I just got skylights put into my place. The people who live above me are furious.
If FedEx and UPS merged, would they be FedUp?
The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing, and then they marry him.
If a man says something in the woods, and there is no woman there to hear him... is he still wrong?
Generally speaking, you're not learning a whole lot while your mouth is moving.
Only In America...
...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
...do we leave our valuable cars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
...do banks leave both doors open, and then chain the pens to the counters.
...do they have drive-up ATMs with braille lettering.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
How come the time of day with the slowest traffic is called Ruch Hour?
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Whose cruel idea was it to have the word "lisp" with an 's' in it?
Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. Wouldn't that be redundant?
Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases:
If it moves, tax it.
If it keeps moving, regulate it.
If it stops, subsidize it.
The only difference between the tax man and the taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.
Keep honking. I'm reloading.