Thursday, October 27, 2011

Count Barackula

As we make our way into the coming presidential elections, I can't help but remember something that happened to me this past Halloween eve.  I saw the scariest movie I've ever seen, and, no, I'm not talking about Occupy Wall Street's latest YouTube videos.  Something even scarier than the Republican debates.
     It was almost midnight, and I was walking in Downtown El Paso by the old Palace Theater where I used to watch horror double-features for thirty-five cents when I was a kid.  Later it became a porno theater and began showing movies that were horrifying in a different way altogether.  Eventually, it went out of business.  Someone, however, must have renovated it, like they did with the legendary Plaza Theater, because it looked like it must have looked when it first opened.  I bought my ticket.  It was thirty-five cents.  I felt like a kid again. 
     I went inside.  The audience looked vacant-eyed, much like the porno audiences of the dying theater's last years (not that I would know anything about that).  The movie was about vampires who hid their true natures by becoming politicians.  Chauffeured around in black limosines with windows tinted so dark they were protected from the sun's rays and angry constituents.
     The hero of the movie gets elected to office, discovers their terrifying secret, and then spends the rest of the movie trying not to become one of them.  The vampire politicians create zombie slaves who are kept subservient with free government cheese.  It's a symbiotic relationship.  The vampires can't live without the zombie's votes, and the zombies can't live without their "free" entitlements from the government.  Each creature's hunger causing the other's to grow.
     "We are the nosferatu," the head vampire, Count Barackula, proclaims.  "The undead.  As long as you keep voting us back into office, we'll never die."
     The hero tries to lead a voter revolution to get them out of office, but fails miserably.
     "We vote straight ticket," the zombie voters eerily cry as one, "because the vampires give us more."
     "Don't you understand?" the hero was desperate.  "They have to take from you before they can give to you."
     But it was no use.  The zombies wouldn't listen.
     "More free cheese!" they chanted.  "More free cheese!"
     Finally, the hero succumbs to the vampires...  and votes himself a big, fat pay raise.
     What a great movie.  It was filmed in a 3D so realistic you could practically feel Count Barackula's hand reaching down from the screen and into your wallet.
     When the movie was over I left the theater.  I thought about our own upcoming presidential election.  I thought about how I was going to vote.  Would I vote the same people back into office?  Same people, same problems.  I looked back at the Palace Theater, hoping for a sign...
     ...but it was no longer there.


American Chimpanzee
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