Herman Cain Can (Part One)

Herman Cain can take criticism.  He just takes it to the next level, which is death.

 

Herman Cain can turn back time simply by focusing his intense eyes and staring it down.

 

Herman Cain can fill out his tax forms with just his name and not have to pay his taxes.

 

Herman Cain can stare at you until you explode.

 

Herman Cain can tell you what happened to the unicorns.  They were delicious.

 

Herman Cain can end his relationships by honestly saying "It's not me, it's you."

 

Herman Cain can drink gasoline and get 78 miles per gallon.

 

Herman Cain can punch you so hard you'll fly into the future and land at the feet of President Palin.

 

Herman Cain can swallow an Occupy Wall Street protester whole, and the end result will be a Navy Seal.

 

 Herman Cain can finally take credit for killing Osama bin Laden.  Seal Team Six?  They're a bunch of liars.

 

Herman Cain can can make sweet love to your mom, while your dad enjoys the pizza Herman Cain brought him.

 

Herman Cain can get jiggy with Miss Piggy, leaving Kermit the Frog green with envy.

 

Herman Cain can deny ever having sex with your woman, and, if you don't believe him, he can also repeatedly punch you in the face until you do.

 

Herman Cain can take your virginity.  If you're not a virgin, he can still do it.  It'll just take him a little longer.

 

Herman Cain can have anyone he wants.  Yes, even you.

 

Herman Cain can only achieve orgasm by crushing his enemies, seeing them driven before him, and hearing the lamentations of their women.

 

Herman Cain can do things three ways:  the right way, the wrong way, and the Herman Cain way.  The Herman Cain way makes the other two unnecessary.

 

Herman Cain can strangle you with one hand, and satisfy your woman with the other.

 

Herman Cain can charge any electrical device just by rubbing it on the top of his head.

 

Herman Cain can tell you where babies come from.  If you're a woman, he'll show you.

 

Herman Cain can power a small city with the static electricity in his hair.

 

Herman Cain can create a rainbow by sheer force of will.

 

Herman Cain can give an angel its wings by ringing a bell.  Your woman's bell.

 

Herman Cain can put pepperoni on your pizza.  Or onions.  Or the heads of your enemies.

 

Herman Cain can smile using only 17 muscles in his face.  He can make your woman smile using only one.

 

Herman Cain can pass gas, and everybody will swear they smell freshly baked bread.

 

Herman Cain can have any woman as many times as he wants, but, for Herman Cain, once is enough.

 

Herman Cain can swallow a Rubik's Cube, and the end result will come out solved.

 

Herman Cain can sue TV producer Dick Wolf, because "Law" & "Order" are the trademarked names of his left and right fists.

 

Herman Cain can win a hot dog eating contest, and, later that night, so can your woman.

 

Herman Cain can make an onion cry.

 

Herman Cain can impregnate anybody.  If you're thinking "well, he can't impregnate me.  I'm a guy" you'd be sadly mistaken.

 

Herman Cain can eat coal, and the end result will be a diamond.

 

Herman Cain can eat the entire cake at a bachelor party, including the stripper.

 

Herman Cain can impregnate your woman, but don't try to abort the fetus.  That only makes it stronger.

 

Herman Cain can train his dog to pick up its own poop.  That's because Herman Cain doesn't take crap from anyone.

 

Herman Cain can always see you, but you can't always see Herman Cain.  Warning!  You may be only seconds away from death!

 

Herman Cain can proudly tell you about his two grown children.  It's the other seventeen he doesn't like to talk about.

 

Herman Cain can put his pants on one leg at a time, just like you or me.  He just takes them off more often is all.

 

Herman Cain can bend light and warp time.  If you don't believe me, just take a look at what he did to Stephen Hawkins.

 

Herman Cain can remember that fateful day when he leaned against an old tower in Pisa, Italy, and...

 

Herman Cain can replace the entire cast of Modern Family and no one would notice.  He's that good.

 

Herman Cain can shoot a plane out of the sky simply by pointing his finger and going "Bang!" 

  Sadly, he discovered this talent duing the Challenger launch.

 

Herman Cain can stop time just by sticking out the palm of his hand like a traffic cop.

 

Herman Cain can, when angry, radiates the heat of a thousand suns.

 

Herman Cain can train a dinosaur.  Too bad they're extinct, or else he would show you.

 

Herman Cain can fit six billiard balls in his mouth.  But, to tell the truth, so can any other politician.

 

Herman Cain can swallow art supplies and the end result would be the Mona Lisa.

 

Herman Cain can punch through steel...  but he's sticking to his story that he had nothing to do with the sinking of the Titanic.

 

Herman Cain can go on Jeopardy! and beat IBM's unbeatable Watson computing system in the first category.  How?  By beating it to death with Alex Trebek.

 

 

Fifty Shades of Funny

jimduchene.blogspot.com

RaisingMyFather.blogspot.com

@JimDuchene

 

*with a wink and a nod to Ian Spector, who not only talks in the third person, he sees in the third person

**send me your Herman Cain Cans

***thanks

   

Herman Cain Can (Part Two)

Herman Cain can shatter a mirror just by looking at it.  Not even a mirror is stupid enough to look Herman Cain in the eyes.

   

Herman Cain can creep out a clown.

   

Herman Cain can give you heartburn.  With one punch to the chest, your heart will catch fire.

   

Herman Cain can make Death wish it was dead.

   

Herman Cain can use the phrase "eat my heart out," but you can't, because Herman Cain will literally eat your heart.

   

Herman Cain can punch you in the face.  From the inside out.

   

Herman Cain can break a mirror, and it's the seven years that will have the bad luck.

   

Herman Cain can donate a testicle to Lance Armstrong and still be twice the man you are.

   

Herman Cain can be bitten by a rattlesnake, and, after days of suffering, the rattler will finally die.

   

Herman Cain can always win a game of paper-rock-scissors.  How?  With a punch to your face.

  

Herman Cain can kill you in more ways than there are to die.

   

Herman Cain can eat a box of Alpha-Bits, and the end result will be a love letter to his beautiful wife of 43 years.

   

Herman Cain can have his cake and eat it, too.  And then he'll eat yours.

   

Herman Cain can run for the Senate in any state, and win both seats.

   

Herman Cain can take a driver license picture and look better than you on your best day.

   

Herman Cain can bring a man back to life if that man has the nerve to die before Herman Cain is done killing him.

   

Herman Cain can visit the Lincoln Memorial, and Honest Abe will get up just so Herman Cain can have a place to sit.

   

Herman Cain can look in his car's rear-view mirror, and objects will appear to him at their proper distances.

   

Herman Cain can beat IBM's Deep Blue computer at chess with only one move.  That move is a punch to its hard-drive.

   

Herman Cain can go to a zoo, and all the animals will thank God they're in cages and safe from Herman Cain.

   

Herman Cain can break wind, and it will stay broken.

   

Herman Cain can legally wear pants only by first obtaining a concealed weapon license.

   

Herman Cain can classify women into two types:  Those that want to sleep with him, and those that want to sleep with him again.

   

Herman Cain can have a heart attack, and his heart will learn the hard way not to do that again.

   

Herman Cain can honestly say that the only thing he's ever lost was his virginity.

   

Herman Cain can order a Big Mac at Burger King...  and he'll get one.

   

Herman Cain can turn off the bedroom light-switch and be in bed satisfying your woman before the lights go out.

   

Herman Cain can be the next face on Mount Rushmore, but, unfortunately, granite is not a hard enough substance to capture the hardness in Herman Cain's eyes.

   

Herman Cain can clog the toilet just by urinating.

   

Herman Cain can tell a woman "yes, that does make you look fat," and that woman will thank him for his honesty.

   

Herman Cain can go to bed at night and sleep like a baby.  The Boogeyman, however, stays up all night worrying about Herman Cain.

   

Herman Cain can find a rock too heavy for him to lift, and then he'll lift it just to show you that there's nothing that Herman Cain can't do.

   

Herman Cain can take criticism...  he just doesn't take it very well.

   

Herman Cain can communicate by thinking words into his fist, and then punching them into your head.

   

Herman Cain can open up a can of Whoop-Ass, and, when he looks inside, he'll just see more Herman Cain.

   

Herman Cain can pass any test simply by writing his name at the top of the sheet and turning it in.

Herman Cain can give Freddy Krueger nightmares.

   

Herman Cain can go as Herman Cain for Halloween, and he'll get twice as much candy as anyone else.

   

Herman Cain can bring a dead man back to life, and then immediately kill him again, just to show that what Herman Cain giveth, Herman Cain can taketh away. 

   

Herman Cain can explain why there are no longer any dinosaurs.  "See that dent in its skull?  It's the exact shape and size of my fist."

   

Herman Cain can look at you, and, if he even thinks about Jesus, you'll be saved.

 

 

Fifty Shades of Funny

jimduchene.blogspot.com

RaisingMyFather.blogspot.com

@JimDuchene

 

*with a wink and a nod to Chuck Norris, who has never used a question mark in his entire life

     

 

Same Old Politicians, Same Old Problems

I was driving on the freeway making my way to one of the many early voting sites located around El Paso.  I was on the passing lane going 50 mph.  It wasn't my idea to go that slow on the fast lane.  It was the idea of the driver in the car ahead of me.  I flashed my high-beams at him in the international signal to scoot over.  He flashed me back with the longest finger on his right hand, and punctuated that gesture by hitting his brakes.  It could have been worse. 
     He could have been from New Mexico driving 40. 
     But I wasn't about to let him get me down.  It was a great day, and a great day to vote.  Besides, I thought, when we vote the same elected officials back into office again I bet you they'll finally do something about those crazy drivers.
     There's a lot that we can complain about in this town.  In fact, a lot of people do nothing but complain.  Some even move elsewhere thinking that somewhere just over the next rainbow there's a land where bluebirds are singing, and milk and honey are flowing.  Myself, I know better.  I know that taxes are high and money's scarce.  If we just keep voting in the same people over and over again I'm sure that someday our taxes will be fair.
     Growth and prosperity?  Redistribution of wealth?  Childhood obesity?  Ex-wives?  If we can just vote in the usual suspects often enough, I'm sure they'll eventually do something about it.
     I don't live in District 76, but, like many of you, it's caught my attention like a bad episode of Jerry Springer.  It's a good example of how people in El Paso don't run on the issues.  They run on whether or not their opponent knows that the quickest way to a man's heart is with her fist.
     I was listening to Paul Strelzen's radio program quite a few months back, and a caller by the a.k.a. of The Patriot insisted that it's not the Democrats who are responsible for our high property taxes, but the Republicans.  That may be true--I can't prove otherwise--but I couldn't help but think:  What Republican has that kind of juice in this town?  And then I thought:  This pointing of fingers has got to stop.  The only fingers I want pointing are the fingers of voters voting in the candidate who has the best interest of El Paso at heart.
     Yes, our city does have its share of problems, but when it comes to solving them...  I think it's up to us.
 
 

Fifty Shades of Funny

jimduchene.blogspot.com

RaisingMyFather.blogspot.com

@JimDuchene

 

Herman Cain Can (Part Three)

Herman Cain can proudly tell you all about his 2 grown children.  It's the other 17 he doesn't like to talk about.

 

Herman Cain can take criticism...  that is, if you can take Herman Cain's fist repeatedly slamming against your skull.

 

Herman Cain can tell you who's buried in the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier.

 

Herman Cain can watch 60 Minutes in just half an hour.

 

Herman Cain can hit a man so hard that that man's future children will be born with a fist-shaped dent in their heads.

 

Herman Cain can give a woman an orgasm via a third party, like UPS.

 

Herman Cain can go trick-or-treating, and he'll come back with a Halloween bag filled with women's virginity's.

 

Herman Cain can make Bill Clinton look like an amateur.

 

Herman Cain can leave a woman feeling satisfied with just a wink and a nod.

 

Herman Cain's eyes can take the place of those airport x-ray body scanners.

 

Herman Cain can savagely punch a man in the chest and pull out his still-beating heart.  But he would never do that, because Herman Cain is not that kind of man.

 

Herman Cain can make Minute Rice in seconds.

 

Herman Cain can hit a man so hard that the shock-waves can knock a plane out of the sky.  Now you know what happened to Amelia Earhart.

 

Herman Cain can have your woman, if he wants her.  In fact, while you were reading this, he did.

 

Herman Cain can blow out the Eternal Flame on President John F. Kennedy's grave.  But he won't.  Herman Cain respects JFK too much.

 

Herman Cain can count to infinity and back, and still have time to pick up that hot White House receptionist.

 

Herman Cain can eat just one Lay's potato chip.

 

Herman Cain can find out who's been naughty or nice, but he'd never give that information to Santa. Herman Cain is no snitch.

 

Herman Cain can pick the winner of any sporting event, and be correct 100% of the time.  Has Herman Cain ever gambled?  That's none of you damn business!

 

Herman Cain can get a woman pregnant just by sitting where she once sat.

 

Herman Cain can let you have some of his testosterone.  He has more than enough.

 

Herman Cain can die, go to Heaven, and if he's offered 72 virgins he'll just say:  "No, thanks.  I've already had my share."

 

Herman Cain can walk down any casino in Las Vegas, and the slot machines will give up their jackpots to him out of respect.

 

Herman Cain can go back and forth in time, but sees no point.  He's happy where he is.

 

Herman Cain can honestly say he's been happily married to the same woman for 45 years.  Now you know why your woman has been crying herself to sleep every night for the last 45 years.

 

Herman Cain can visit every house around the world on Christmas Eve, just like Santa.  Only he wouldn't leave presents.  He'd leave your woman satisfied.

 

Herman Cain can come back with a full candy bag on Halloween just by trick-or-treating at one house.

 

Herman Cain can go around the world in 80 days.  Why does it take him so long?  The women, my man.  The women.

 

Herman Cain can fight Ali, Frazier, and Tyson to a standstill.  But why would Herman Cain want to humiliate them?

 

Herman Cain can beat President Obama.  In the 2016 presidential elections?  Oh, sure.  That, too.

 

Herman Cain can fix the economy, bring peace to the Middle East, and make sweet love to your woman all at the same time.

 

Herman Cain can visit The Virgin Islands, and when he leaves they'll just be called The Islands.

 

Herman Cain can take criticism.  He just takes it deep in the forest, and shoots it in the head, Miller's Crossing-style.

 

Herman Cain can go to France, and the French will immediately surrender.  Just in case.

 

Herman Cain can always win a game of paper-rock-scissors.  How?  While you're busy playing games, Herman Cain is busy getting busy at your house.

 

Herman Cain can trace his nine-nine-nine tax plan back to that hot young female consierge from Germany who kept telling him "nein-nein-nein."

 

Herman Cain can be the next President of the United Sates of America if he wants to.  He just doesn't want to.

 

Can Herman Cain eat at Kentucky Fried Chicken? Of course he can, but he doesn't. He refuses to lick anybody's fingers. Even his own.

 
 

Fifty Shades of Funny

jimduchene.blogspot.com

RaisingMyFather.blogspot.com

@JimDuchene

 

*With a wink and a nod to Ian Spector & Chuck Norris, who aren't one of the 1%.  They ARE the 1%!

   

Why El Paso?

I learned an interesting fact the other day as I was surfing that Devil's Playground known as the internet, and, as we all know, if it's on the internet it must be true.  The fact was this:  men are good at following orders.  Women, however, seem to need an exceptional amount of discussion before they decide to do something they're not supposed to do.  Any man who's received a gift from a woman knows this to be true.  They'll give you what they think you want, rather than what you actually want.
     I remember once receiving a Teddy Ruxpin talking bear as a gift from my 2nd wife.  Why she thought I would like this children's toy is beyond me, since I had never shown a desire for a stuffed animal before, much less one that talks.
     "I thought you would like it," she told me.
     "Why would you think that?"  I asked her, honestly perplexed.
     "Well, you like robots," she answered, and immediately started crying, thus ending any potential argument.
     I have no idea why she thought I liked robots, either.  Maybe I once said in passing that I liked a particular movie that happened to have a robot in it, but, to tell the truth, I like talking stuffed animals even less than I like robots, and that's pretty low on my scale of likes and dislikes. 
     Personally, I think she bought me the darn thing for two reasons:  First, she bought it because she knew it would irritate me.  Second, she wanted it for herself.  Later, when we divorced, she took the bear and left the kids.  Go figure.
     The reason I found this internet factoid so interesting was because I saw it as a great way to sell El Paso to tourists and businesses.  I called my friends at the Sterling Cooper Advertising Agency, and they thought it was a great idea, too.  Don't try to convince or beg anyone to come here...  TELL THEM!  And if they're men, they'll obey, because obeying orders is what men do best, just ask the Nazis.  As for women...
     ...you just have to tell them that they'll get a great tan here.
 

     Why El Paso?  Because I Said So!  See?  Didn't you immediately want to get up and go to El Paso, only to remember that you were already here?
 

     Come To El Paso!  And I Mean NOW!  "Come to El Paso" is an order in itself, and as for the "I mean now," well, it always worked for my dad.
 

     El Paso!  Don't Make Me Come And Get You!  I think that's self-explanatory.
 

     If our city council doesn't adopt this tough-love advertising proposal, I don't know what they'll do.
     Besides raising our taxes again, that is.
 
 

Fifty Shades of Funny

jimduchene.blogspot.com

RaisingMyFather.blogspot.com

@JimDuchene

 

Politics. Go Figure.

The mayor of Sunland Park, New Mexico has been ridiculed and criticized for signing a million dollar contract while he was drunk, but I can sympathize with him.  If it wasn't for being drunk I wouldn't have gotten married three out of my five times.  No, what should be ridiculed is that State Rep. Mary Helen Garcia has taken steps toward the state takeover of the city.
     She contacted both the New Mexico Attorney General's office and the Department of Finance and Administration to begin the process, and told them:  "These people are so dumb it takes them an hour and a half to watch 60 Minutes."
     The reason the State Rep. was so upset was the conduct of the Sunland Park city council during one of their recent meetings.  City Councilor Carmen Rodriguez was especially on a roll, and went down the row of fellow councilors airing her grievances.
     "You're so fat," she told one, "when you go to a restaurant you don't get a menu, you get an estimate."
     It was only when she got to Christian Lira that she stopped.
     "You're so ugly..." she began.
     "No!"  Lira interjected.  "You're so ugly you don't have to worry about birth control.  Your face does just fine."
     Mayor Martin Resendiz laughed loudly.  That diverted Lira's anger into another direction.  Mainly, toward the mayor.
     "Are you drunk?" Lira asked the mayor, angrily.
     "Of course not," the mayor retorted.  "Can't you see?  Of course you can't, you're so cross-eyed every time you go to the movies you think you're watching a double-feature."
     "Oh, yeah?" Lira answered back.  "Well, you smell so bad you need to use both Right and Left Guard."
     City Councilor Carmen Rodriguez was anxious to get back in the fray.
     "Mr. Mayor," she said, "your breath is so bad people on the phone hang up."
     There's an old saying.  The enemy of my enemy is my friend.  Lira and the mayor turned on Carmen Rodriguez faster than the ending of Kim Kardashian's fake marriage.
     "Councilor Rodriguez, your arms are so hairy when you walk down the street they look like you've got Buckwheat in a headlock," said one.
     "And you wear clothes from two famous designers:  Poly and Ester," said the other.
     "Oh, yeah?" she answered.  "Well, I can pull enough wax out of both your ears to make candles."
     "Oh, yeah?  Well, there are so many roaches in your house, you should make them sign a lease."
     "Oh, yeah?  Well, your teeth are so yellow you brushed with Aim and missed."
     "Oh, yeah?  Well, you stink so bad when you break wind, it stays broken."
     "Oh, yeah?  Well, you're so old when the police ask for your ID you hand them a rock."
     And, speaking of the police, that's when on-duty Sunland Park officers had to step in to keep the mayor and Mayor Pro-Tem Daniel Salinas from stepping outside to settle their differences with fisticuffs.
     "I'm gonna hit you so hard your next baby's gonna be born with two black eyes!'"
     "Oh, yeah?  Well, there's only gonna be two hits:  me hitting you, and you hitting the moon!"
     I'd go on, but it never ends in Sunland Park, New Mexico.  It never ends.

     This Was A True Story.
     Sort Of.
 
 

Fifty Shades of Funny

jimduchene.blogspot.com

RaisingMyFather.blogspot.com

@JimDuchene

 

Yes, But Where Will We Park?

I was at the El Paso Central Business Association luncheon at the DoubleTree hotel when I heard Mayor Cook mention that the city is close to buying the old El Paso Saddleblanket Co. building from River Oaks Properties for $1.26 million as part of efforts to revitalize Downtown and help reduce blight in the central area.
     I sat next to Mike Breitinger, executive director of the Central Business Association, and asked him:  "Won't it take a long time to revitalize Downtown?"
     "Rome," he answered, "wasn't bulit in a day."
     "Do you think a revitalized Downtown can attract enough people to make it worthwhile?"
     "Hope springs eternal."
     "Are you going to keep answering me in nothing but cliches?"
     "Time will tell."
     That's when I saw Mayor Cook.  He was sneaking out the back through the kitchen.  He was wearing a waiter's jacket and carrying a tray of dirty dishes.  I ran to catch him.
     "Mayor Cook, may I ask you a few questions before you leave?"
     "No hablo ingles."
     "Of course you speak english," I told him.  "Mayor Cook, I know it's you."
     "Oh, all right."  He peeled off his Steve Crosno wig.  "I'm always happy to talk with my constituents.  Wait!  What's that?"
     I turned to see what he was pointing at, and saw nothing.  When I turned back Mayor Cook was gone.  I looked around and saw him hiding behind the dishwasher.  I walked over.  He pretended to be inspecting a fork.
     "Mayor Cook, about my questions?"
     "No hablo ingles."
     I raised one eyebrow.  He shrugged his shoulders in resignation.
     "Oh, all right," he said, taking off his fake black glasses with the big nose and the bushy eyebrows.  "I'm always happy to...  what's that?"
     I raised my other eyebrow.
     "Fool me once, Mr. Mayor, shame on you.  Fool me twice, and...  uh...  won't get fooled again.  Now, about the parking situation Downtown, what's the point in revitalizing Downtown if people can't find a parking space, or, if they do, have to pay for it?  Who wants to pay for parking?  It's easier to go to the mall where the parking is plentiful and free."
     The Mayor grew agitated.
     "Parking?  We don't need no stinkin' parking.  I was in the Mesilla Valley Corn Maze when I heard a voice.  It said:  'If you build it, they will come.'"
     "What does that even mean?"
     "It means:  if you build it, that is, revitalize Downtown, they, that is, the shoppers, will come."
     "Maybe the voice was saying if you build free parking spaces Downtown the shoppers will come."
     Mayor Cook grew quiet.  Thinking.  The minutes passed.
     "Mayor Cook?"
     "No hablo ingles."
 
 

Fifty Shades of Funny

jimduchene.BlogSpot.com

RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com

@JimDuchene

 

Obama's Campaign Song

President Obama--the man who once saved my life in 'Nam--has an ace in the hole in the upcoming presidential elections, and I'm not talking about who the Republicans picked for their candidate (I'm not saying their choice was poor, but it used to go to Kentucky Fried Chicken to lick other people's fingers.).  That ace, my fellow 98%, is Darrin Stevens from the McMann & Tate Advertising Agency.  Mr. Stevens has been in the advertising business since the 60's, and was the creative force behind such successful advertising campaigns as Baby Bye-Bye, the happily aborted fetus.
     "Thank you, mommy," Baby Bye-Bye's tagline was.  "I'm with Jesus now."
     And Jesus, standing beside her, would take a deep drag from the cigarette He'd be enjoying.
     "Smoke what you are," He'd say.  "Kool."
     The ad was brilliant on so many different levels, but the most obvious was how Mr. Stevens originated the selling of two products in the same ad.  He received advertising's highest honor, the Barnum, and it was presented to him by none other than Gloria Steinem.
     "Darrin Stevens," she declared from behind the podium, "has liberated all women, and given us the freedom to murder our unborn babies, and the permission to pick up the bad habits of the men we hate."
     So, yes, Darrin Stevens is President Obama's ace in the hole, but what is Mr. Stevens' ace in the hole?
     Motown.  Yes, Motown.
     "It's genius," Darrin's boss, Larry Tate, told me.  "You know those songs that get stuck in your head and you carry them with you all day long?  How can you not help but vote for the candidate whose campaign song you find yourself humming in the voting booth?  And do you know which songs stay with you the longest?  Motown.  Yes, Motown.  It's been documented."
     "Is that so?" I asked.  "By whom?"
     "By those same researchers who studied SpongeBob SquarePants."
     Right now Larry Tate and Darrin Stevens are hard at work trying to pick out the song.  Their first choice was Give Me Just A Little More Time by The Chairmen of the Board, but, besides it not being a Motown hit, they decided it sounded a little too much like begging.
     "He does enough of that with Michelle," Mr. Tate told me, confidentially.  "Off the record, of course, right?"  He winked.
     "Off the record," I winked back.
     Oops.
     They've narrowed it down to the following choices:
 
     Never Can Say Goodbye by The Jackson Five.  Unfortunately, this whole Michael Jackson/Dr. Conrad Murray trial thing has a stench attached to it worse than the 200 pounds of human feces left behind at ground zero of Occupy Wall Street's Zuccotti Park infestation.
 
     Neither One Of Us (Wants To Be The First To Say Goodbye) by Gladys Knight & the Pips.  Here, the song title was too long and wordy.  Voters, as we all know, aren't smart enough to remember the whole thing.
 
     Ain't Too Proud To Beg by The Temptations.  While that might be true in negotiations with his wife, it wasn't considered to be very presidential.
 
     (I Know) I'm Losing You, also by The Temptations, was a consideration, but the Obama administration is still hopeful the economy will improve.
 
     I'm Gonna Make You Love Me by Diana Ross & the Supremes and The Temptations, but President Obama personally nixed this one because there was that one night in Chicago, that he hasn't told the First Lady about, when he was still a Neighborhood Watch Organizer, and Diana Ross came to town for a concert, and they...  and she...  nevermind.
 
     Signed, Sealed, Delivered (I'm Yours) by Stevie Wonder.  This was a strong contender, but various lobbyists and contributors to Obama's campaign consider it a conflict of interest.
 
     Don't Leave Me This Way by Thelma Houston.  Okay, I admit it.  It's not really being considered.  This song just reminds me of the great time I had in the disco 70's.
 
     War by Edwin Starr.  Nobody does it better than Obama.  Nobody.
 
     Sexual Healing by Marvin Gaye, because, as any pundit from Rush Limbo to Bill O'Really will tell you, America is broken, and it needs to heal.  And finally...
 
     If I Were Your Woman by Gladys Knight & the Pips.  Um...  maybe we'd better not go there, but it would explain the repeal of Don't Ask/Don't Tell.
 
     The final decision will be made after the Republicans have chosen their campaign song.  With Mitt Romney as their candidate, they might very well decide to go with:
 

The Tears Of A Clown by Smokey Robinson & the Miracles.

 
 

Fifty Shades of Funny

jimduchene.blogspot.com

RaisingMyFather.blogspot.com

@JimDuchene