38 It was Christmas, before Christmas was, and it came to pass that Jesus and His disciples entered into a certain village, and a certain woman named Martha received Him into her house.
39 And she had a younger sister called Mary the Lazy, who sat at Jesus' feet, and heard His word.
"Remember, Jesus, how You did wash the feet of Your disciples?" Mary the Blunt did ask.
"That doesn't enter the story until later," Jesus said. "But why asketh thou?"
"Oh... no reason," Mary the Passive-Aggressive did answered.
40 Martha, on the other hand, was much cumbered about much serving, and came to Him, and said, "Lord, dost thou not care that my sister hath left me to serve You and Your twelve empty stomachs alone?"
41 And Jesus answered and said unto her, "Martha, Martha, thou art careful and troubled about many things,"
42 "but one thing is needed, and Mary hath chosen that good part, which shall not be taken away from her."
43 "She has, has she," Martha did reply. "So... let me get this straighteth, Thou art saying that my sister, Mary the Bottom-Heavy, hath chosen the good part, not by serving Thee and Thy twelve bottomless pits, but by sitting at Thy feet and listening to Thy words?"
47 "Well, Lord," Martha did say, taking off her apron, "that's all I needeth to hear." And Martha did plop herself down at Jesus' feet and made herself comfortable doing nothing.
"Lord," Martha spoke.
"Yes," the Lord did answer.
"Remember how You did wash the feet of Your disciples?"
"Why does everybody keep asking Me that?"
48 So Martha brought out an alabaster box of very precious ointment, and rubbed it on His feet, as her sister, Mary the Nodding Off, sat and nodded off.
49 And when His hungry disciples saw it, they had indignation, saying, "To what purpose is this waste? For this ointment might have been sold for much, and given to the poor. Or used to purchase some sweet meats. Or nachos."
50 When Jesus understood it, He said unto them, "Shaddup!"
51 Time did pass and stomachs did growl and the disciples did grow hungrier and hungrier still. Jesus spoke and then He spoke some more and, with such an eager audience of two sitting at His feet, He spoke more still.
52 Then one of the twelve, called Judas Iscariot, did arise, walked into the kitchen, opened a cabinet--pretending to stretch--and lamented to himself, "Not even one little nacho."
53 "I wonder what Caiaphas would have to say about that?"
54 And even more time did pass and even more stomachs did growl. Finally...
55 "Lord," Peter, who would deny Jesus three times, spoke, "I'm hungry."
"I'm hungry, too, Lord," John agreed.
"And I." "And I." "And I." the rest of the twelve chimed in.
56 "Verily, when will the two women listening at Your feet get up and fix us something to eat?" James, Jesus' younger brother who had much to live up to, did ask.
57 But Jesus answered, smacking His brother in the back of the head, and said, "It is written, 'Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceedeth out of the mouth of God.'"
58 "But we hunger, oh Lord," the twelve did whine and complain. "Words are very well and good, but a full stomach they do not make."
59 "Yea, Lord, remember when Thou did feed five thousand with but five loaves and two fishes?"
"So," Jesus said, rolling His eyes in exasperation, "whenever someone hungers, I'm supposed to feed them?"
"Well... verily!" the twelve said as one.
60 "Verily, indeed. As I remember it," Jesus said, remembering it, "after you, my twelve disciples, did all eat and were filled, didn't you each take up all of the fragments that remained and fill twelve baskets full?"
61 "Ah, yes," Simon concurred. "I've always wondered what happened to those twelve baskets."
62 "Again, as I remember it," Jesus said, again remembering it, "I gave them to Judas to take care of," and all eyes went upon Judas.
63 "Why does everyone look at me?" Judas asked, his beady eyes darting side to side, back and forth, Samson and Delilah.
64 "Judas," Jesus spoke softly, "what happened to those twelve baskets?"
65 "Er... ah..." Judas stammered. "Hmm, those baskets, you say.... Dost Thou not remember how I told Thee that I gave those baskets to those people at that place who were doing that thing around that time?"
"Verily, I remember not," Jesus answered.
"Y...y...you remember not?" Judas stuttered, sweating profusely, and looking around in desperation. "Thomas!" he called out. "Surely you remember."
"I doubt it," Thomas answered.
"Paul doesn't enter the story until later," Jesus reminded Judas. "In fact, wasn't that around the time you bought that expensive new rope?"
66 "Hey!" Judas did cry out, pointing in excitement. "What be-eth that?"
And everyone did turn to look.
But, when they looked back, Judas was gone. The sheet, covering the door opening, flapping behind a man who was no longer there.
67 "Well..." Jesus said.
"Well..." those who were left repeated.
"Snore!" Mary the Sleep Apnea-ed concurred, which brought everybody's attention back to the two women who, as Jesus did say, hath chosen the good part, which should not be taken away from them.
68 "Martha..." Jesus said, sheepishly trying not to eat His words. "My apostles are hungry."
69 "And what be-eth that to me?" Martha said, not even opening one sleepy eye.
Fifty Shades of Funny