Friday, August 30, 2013

Dear John (8-30-13)

Hard Core Advise From
Hard Core's Hardest Core... John Leslie!


Dear John,
     Our English springer spaniel has a bad case of fleas again.
     We got him last summer, and couldn't get rid of the fleas until the winter and cold weather. We don't want to bomb the house, so we've tried Frontline. We've also tried Advantage, but nothing seems to work. We vacuum almost daily with a bagless vacuum so we can dump the contents after each use. We comb him daily with a flea comb dipped in soapy water, used tea tree oil on his collar, given him baths with a special shampoo, and constantly wash his bedding.
     WHAT ELSE CAN WE DO? We're...
     --At Our Wits End

Dear Wits,
You could get rid of the dog.


Dear John,
     With the intense heat we've been having, my boyfriend and I do not know how to cool to keep our house during the day while we are at work. We have three cats and two Chihuahuas.
     With the cost of electricity so high, keeping the A/C on all day is a luxury we can't afford, but we do want to do what is best for our pets.
     When I was a kid, we did not have the A/C on at all during the summer. My parents kept the windows and doors open instead, day and night. Since this led to the abduction of two of my brothers and one sister, this would not be an option for my boyfriend and I.
     Please tell us what to do.
     --Animal Lover

Dear Lover,
How did the animal kingdom ever survive before you and your boyfriend were born?


Dear John,
     I understand they're both the same species, but can you tell me what the difference is between a big ol' mountain lion and a tiny li'l house cat?
     --Wondering

Dear Wondering,
Aw, everybody knows a little pussy never hurt no one.


Confidential to Conjunctivitis
I'd horse-whip you... if I had a horse.
 
 
American Chimpanzee
jimduchene.blogspot.com
RaisingMyFather.blogspot.com
@JimDuchene
 
 

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

I Had A Dream, Too

As an urban warrior straight outta Compton, one who just happens to be gay, it was an honor to be invited to speak on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial in Washington D.C. on the 50th anniversary of Doctor Martin Luther King Jr.'s "I Have A Dream" speech.
If you missed it, here it is:

     Ladies and gentlemen, my fellow Americans, the King Family, Michael Richards, President Carter, President Clinton, President Bu..
     Wait a minute, where's President Bush?
     He wasn't invited?
     Why not?
     Because he's a Republican?
     Aw, man, that's messed up. And I wanted to collect that five dollars he owes me, too.
     What's that?
     What about President Obama?
     Man, you don't even know what time it is. Of course I was going to mention President Obama. I was going in order, muthafatha.
     Shoot, now you made me lose my place.
     ...President Obama, the lovely Michelle. How you doin' baby? We'll go out for some ribs later.
     I... had a dream, too. And in that dream I was taking a nap. Yeah, that was a good dream. Not as good as the dream Doctor King had, but it left me well rested.
     Who knew, my brothers and sisters, that fifty years after Doctor King gave that famous speech we'd be worse off than we were before. More of us are unemployed. More of us are on welfare. More of us are born out of wedlock. More of us have our fathers walk out on us. Uh, sorry Barry. There is more black on black crime. More young black men killing other young black men.
     We've been voting Democrat going on fifty years now, and what has it gotten us? Food stamps? Abortions on demand? Government cheese? Shoot, when George Bush turns out to be the president who's appointed more black men and women to various positions in his administration and in the government, you know something's wrong.
     Did anybody here see The Butler? Shoot, the only difference between him and the slaves of the old south is he got paid.
     I'm sure you remember the season where Top Chef went to Washington D.C. The one where they had that fancy-dancy dinner with Leon Panetta as the guest of honor. Shoot, Leon didn't even acknowledge the black men who were serving him. You can't even give the black man a proper thank you, can you, you cracker-ass ass cracker? I guess not with your white Top Chef friends there, eh, Leon?
     Can I get an amen?
     It reminds me of something another civil rights legend, Rodney King, once said: "Ow! That hurts!"
     It does hurt, Leon. It does hurt. And I can't help but notice you didn't make it here today.
     But the hurt I feel seeing my brothers and sisters in servitude to Washington D.C. politicians, is nothing compared to the hurt I felt on that horrible day when Doctor King was felled by an assassin's bullet. I was blessed to be the one to be there to cradle him in my arms and comfort him as he lay dying.
     I remember yelling out for someone to call an ambulance when Jesse Jackson came up and roughly pushed me out of the way.
     "This is my photo op, hunkamunka!" he spat at me.
     It wasn't until later that I discovered my wallet was missing.
     That's as true a story as I could make up.
     What do you mean get off the stage?


American Chimpanzee
jimduchene.blogspot.com
RaisingMyFather.blogspot.com
@JimDuchene
   

Monday, August 26, 2013

The Trial of Hasan bin Laid

The trail of Major Nidal Hasan has been interesting, to say the least. Interesting, in the way that the Chinese like to curse their enemies with an interesting life. In fact, I'd venture to say it's been as interesting as the Jodi Arias trial, except without all that anal sex testimony.
     From the beginning, military judge Col. Tara Osborn ruled her courtroom with a rod of steel.
     "Major Hasan, I ORDER you to shave your beard!"
     "No."
     "Okay."
     Hasan, who admits to killing 13 people and wounding 32 in the 2009 ambush at Fort Hood, told his jury of thirteen officers that "the evidence will clearly show that I am the shooter."
     "I object, Major Hasan!" the judge objected. "We don't live in the future, so we don't know what the evidence will show, and, henceforth, you are barred from referring to yourself as 'the shooter.' If you so choose, you may refer to yourself as 'world's greatest dad.'"
     Continuing his opening statement, Hasan's only hint of regret was when he included himself among the "imperfect Muslims trying to establish the perfect religion."
     The judge was clearly touched.
     "I feel you, Major Hasan," she told him, thumping her chest with one fist. "I feel you."
     "I apologize for any mistakes I made in this endeavor," he went on.
     The judge looked over at the prosecution, and said, "See? He apologizes."
     When Major Hasan declared he had a "jihad duty" to murder those soldiers at Ft. Hood, she quickly overruled him, and said that he could only say he had a "hankering for some ribs."
     She blocked witnesses and key pieces of evidence against him to be presented by the prosecution because "it would be prejudicial."
     Such evidence, she said, would result in a "confusion of issues, unfair prejudice, waste of time, and undo delay. Besides," she continued, "I have a hair appointment."
     She also said prosecutors couldn't introduce three emails, ruling that "emails are electronic mail, and we don't live in the future, you know. Next, you'll be wanting to introduce Captain Kirk's log."
     "But, your honor," the prosecution complained, "one of those emails was to Anwar al-Awlaki, a radical U.S.-born Islamic cleric."
     "Anwar al-Awlaki?" the judge countered. "I don't even know who that is. Their names all sound alike, so it can't be relevant."
     She barred any reference to Major Hasan having allegedly said: "Allahu akbar!" before he went on his murderous shooting spree, because "he's a Muslim, and Muslims are our friends."
     "If you want to say you said 'aloha mahalo,' that's fine with me," she admonished the merciless murderer, and also told him he could not use the term "infidel."
     "Use the name 'Sarah Palin' instead."
     She then barred him from using the phrase "enemy to Islam," and, for good measure, the prosecution from using "terrorist act."
     "You both can either say 'conservatives' or 'Rush Limbaugh.' And, while you're at it, in the interest of fairness, you may refer to the U.S. Army as 'The Tea Party.'"
     When Hasan said he was on the wrong side of terrorism, the judge pushed for more clarification.
    "And what side is that?"
     "The wrong side."
     "No, I mean, on which side of terrorism?"
     "The not-right side."
     "I mean, are you talking about before or after you allegedly shot those soldiers."
     "There is no 'allegedly.' I shot them. I'm guilty."
     "You can't say that."
     "Say what?"
     "Say that you're guilty."
     "Why not? It's true."
     "Because you have the presumption of innocence."
     "But I'm not innocent. I'm guilty."
     "No, you're innocent until proven guilty."
     "What's to prove? I'm guilty."
     "Stop saying that!"
     "And I was on the wrong side of terrorism."
     "And what side is that?"
     "The wrong side."
     In the end, of the nearly 90 witnesses the prosecution called in 11 days, Hasan questioned only 3.
     "Can you tell me the time?"
     "It's 3:47."
     "Thank you."
     And...
     "Is today Wednesday?"
     "No, it's Tuesday."
     "Thank you."
     And, finally...
     "Where are the Snowdens of yesteryear?"
     "I'm sorry, but I don't understand your question."
     "Never mind."
     As I write this, Major Nidal Hasan has been found guilty on 13 counts of capital murder, wounding 31 others, and teaching Miley Cyrus to twerk.
     Now, all that's left is for him to be sentenced. Will it be death? Will it be life in prison? Will he die of the cancer he thought was in remission? No, wait, I'm thinking of Breaking Bad? Well, whatever it is, I can tell you this...
     It will be interesting.


American Chimpanzee
jimduchene.blogspot.com
RaisingMyFather.blogspot.com
@JimDuchene
 

Friday, August 23, 2013

Dear John (8-23-13)

Hard Core Advise From
Hard Core's Hardest Core... John Leslie!



Dear John,
      I seem to be upsetting my co-workers, and it's completely unintentional. They think that I'm unfriendly, and that I think I'm better than they are. That's not true. I'm just a quiet person who's not very social.
     How can I get things on a better track?
     --Misunderstood

Dear Misunderstood,
You could try putting out.


Dear John,
     I'm not proud to admit this, but I cheated on my significant other. I guess you could say that it's more of an affair, because it's still going on.
     The other guy is my significant other's best friend, whose girlfriend happens to be my best friend. We hang out all the time together and started talking more and more, one thing led to another, and...
     Now we want to be together, as in: break up with our significant others and start dating each other exclusively.
     The problem?
     One of his immediate family members is in a long-term relationship with one of hers (think siblings). We already know how awkward this would be. I know we should break up with our significant others, which I'm currently in the process of doing, but how would the rest of it work out?
     I mean, how do we start dating publically without it being some huge scandal?
     Thank you for your advise. I am...
     --Not A Floozy

Dear Floozy,
Why don't you just keep putting out?


Dear John,
     I am a 60 year-old female in great health. I'm an avid walker, putting in almost a full block of walking almost every other day. My problem is that I have bunions on both feet, and the beginning of hammer toes. My feet, however, don't hurt at all.
     I recently saw a podiatrist to seek an opinion about what I could do to keep my foot problems from progressing. His opinion was that I should have surgery on both feet to correct the problems.
     His reasoning is that surgery is inevitable, and to correct the problem now will prevent it from becoming a more complicated procedure and recovery in the future.
     That seems logical, but it's difficult to contemplate having surgery on something that gives me no problems whatsoever.
     Any thoughts?
     --Footloose

Dear Footloose,
None whatsoever. I was too busy putting out.


Confidential to I Want Him Back
You could try telling him exactly how you feel, or you could put out.
I'd put out.
 
 
American Chimpanzee
jimduchene.blogspot.com
RaisingMyFather.blogspot.com
 @JimDuchene
 

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Grammar By Grammer

Waxing Eloquent
by Gram Grammer
 
Prepositions

     It has long been a goal of mine to rid the common man's usage of prepositions at the end of sentences. After all, is it not language that raises man above the common beast?
     What? One is not supposed to end a sentence with a preposition? But, Mr. Grammer, I don't even know what a preposition is.
     That's okay. It is my job to teach you, and teach you I shall.
     Prepositions are simple words, such as "of," "to," and "in."
     I recall one day when a dear friend of mine asked me the simple question: "What are you doing that for?"
     I laughed gently, and pointed out to him that the word "for" was a preposition with which he should not have ended his sentence.
     He answered me with his usual clever two-word wit, and, again, I found myself in the position of pointing out to him that, for the record, the word "off" is also a preposition.
     To end this grammatical faux paus for humanity once and for all, I've come up with an alternative ending for any sentence with a proposition at the end. Simply add the following word to the end of every sentence, and this, I'm sure, will solve the problem.
     For example:

Incorrect: "Where you at?"
Correct: "Where you at, bitch!"

     You're welcome, fellow linguists.


American Chimpanzee
jimduchene.blogspot.com
RaisingMyFather.blogspot.com
@JimDuchene
  

Monday, August 19, 2013

The Answer, My Friend, Is Rick Perry

Governor Rick Perry, the once and future presidential candidate, never overcame his "oops" moment in the 2012 presidential debates. You remember the one, the one where he derailed his presidential hopes by confusing the names of The Three Stooges.
     "You've got Moe Hummad, Curly, and... and... uh, the fat bald guy," he stammered, looking toward Ron Paul for help.
     "That's Curly," Rand Paul suggested.
     "What?"
     "The fat bald guy is Curly."
     "No, that's not him."
     "Sure, it is."
     "No, it's not. Curly's the one with the wild tumbleweed of curly red hair on his head."
     "That's Larry."
     "What?"
     "Larry Fine."
     "You couldn't be more wrong, Senator Paul."
     "That's Congressman."
     "What?"
     "That's Congressman Paul."
     "Whatever. Let me ask you a hypothetical question, Congressman Paul. You have two men. One is bald and the other has a head of hair that even Don King laughs at. Now, which one would you bet a shot of Gentleman Jack is named "Curly"?
     "I concede your point, Governor, but that still doesn't change the fact that the bald one's name..."
     "I rest my case."
     "...is Curly."
     "I SAID I REST MY CASE!"
     Governor Perry ran into similar problems when he tried to impress upon the television viewing audience his strong Christian beliefs by naming all of Santa's reindeers.
     "Let's see, there's Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Nixon. There's Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen. And... and... uh, is it Dopey? Nah, it's not Dopey. It's... it's... OLIVE!"
     "Olive?"
     "Yes, Olive. As in 'Olive, the other reindeer.'"
     "There is no 'Olive, the other reindeer.' It's 'All of the other reindeer.'"
     "No, it's not."
     "Yes, it is."
     "No, it's not."
     "Yes, it is. And that, Congressman, is what makes me a better Christian than you. I rest my case."
     "Governor..."
     " I SAID I REST MY CASE!"
     All in all, it was an interesting debate, and, as Rick Perry learned, there's a reason the Chinese like to curse their enemies by wishing them an interesting life.
     Governor Perry may be playing coy these days, but it's obvious to everyone who knows the governor that he's getting ready for a second bid at the presidency. Unfortunately for Perry, he isn't his own worse enemy, his mouth is.
     In a June speech to the Faith & Freedom Coalition in Washington, he mistook Lebanon for Libya. In a July interview with the soon-to-be-sold Washington Post, he mistook "second choices" for "second chances." And in an August appearance at the New Orleans RedState blogger gathering, he mistook Florida for Louisiana.
     "There are many other states that embrace those conservative values, the approach that we've taken over the years," he told his audience. "I'm in one today... in Florida."
     "We're in Louisiana," someone in the audience yelled out, correcting him.
     "I know, and I said that," Perry said, clearly not having said that.
     If bad things come in threes, then the Texas Governor certainly keeps making his limit over and over again.
     "As the great poet Bob Dylan once said," Rick Perry told me in a recent interview about his views on green energy and protecting the ecology, "'The ants are my friends, and they're blowing in the wind. The ants are all blowing in the wind.'"
     I rest my case.
     I SAID I REST MY CASE!


American Chimpanzee
jimduchene.blogspot.com
RaisingMyFather.blogspot.com
@JimDuchene 
 

Friday, August 16, 2013

LEE DANIELS' The Butler

 
LEE DANIELS

presents

LEE DANIELS

starring in a

LEE DANIELS

production of a

LEE DANIELS

film


LEE DANIELS' The Butler!

 
"The greatest story ever told!"
--LEE DANIELS
 
written by LEE DANIELS
 
"Shakespeare sucks in comparison!"
--LEE DANIELS
 
produced by LEE DANIELS
 
"Just what does a producer do? Who cares?"
--LEE DANIELS
 
directed by LEE DANIELS
 
"Spielberg? Screw that hack!"
--LEE DANIELS
 
starring LEE DANIELS as The Butler
 
"LEE DANIELS is sure to receive the Nobel Prize in great acting!"
--LEE DANIELS
 
also starring LEE DANIELS as Oprah Winfrey
 
"No one can do Oprah Winfrey better than LEE DANIELS!"
--LEE DANIELS
 
and LEE DANIELS as everybody else in the movie
even the presidents
 
"Is there nothing LEE DANIELS can't do? Guess not!"
--LEE DANIELS
 
 
Go!
 
Now!
 
See!
 
LEE DANIELS' The Butler!
 
LEE DANIELS already has!
 
 
 
Amreican Chimpanzee
jimduchene.blogspot.com
RaisingMyFather.blogspot.com
@JimDuchene
   

Monday, August 12, 2013

Sick Bush

Imagine my surprise when I found out from my bookie that my old fraternity brother, former president George W. Bush, had been in the hospital for a heart problem. He underwent an emergency procedure Tuesday (8-6-13) morning to open a blockage in the heart Democrats were convinced he didn't have.
     "You haven't heard?" Carlos Peligro asked me in disbelief. "It's all over the TV."
     "I don't watch TV," I told him.
     "The radio?"
     "I've got Pandora."
     "Newspapers?"
     "There's still newspapers?"
     I immediately got on the hot line with President Obama--the man who once saved my life in 'Nam--and broke the bad news.
     "Bush is sick?" the President asked. "What, did he choke on a peanut again?"
     "It's his heart," I told him.
     "Well, no matter how bad off he is, he's still doing better than the economy."
     I let a few seconds pass, and then I asked, "What are you going to do?"
     "About Bush?"
     "Yeah."
     "Forget Bush. He's a fool even Mr. T won't pity," he said presidentially, and got back to the busy job of being snubbed by Putin.
     As it turned out, the 67 year-old ex-president showed up at the Cooper Free Clinic in Dallas, Texas on Monday (8-5-13) for his annual tax-payer subsidized physical examination, and was in the process of receiving a penicillin shot for undisclosed reasons, when the blockage was discovered.
     It was the next day at the Texas Health Presbyterian Hospital and Gambling Casino where doctors put a stent in the one-time president to relieve the blockage.
     "You're relieved," the doctor told the blockage. "Smoke 'em if you got 'em."
     Did the procedure go well?
     "I would say yes," the surgeon replied, "because if I said anything to the contrary I would open myself up to a lawsuit."
     "President Bush is in better shape than the economy," a statement from the 41st president's son's office read. "He's grateful to the skilled medical professionals the average American tax-payer can't afford to see, and who were paid for by those very tax-payer's tax dollars."
     The statement continued, "He thanks his family (even his dad), friends (even those he owes money to), and fellow citizens (except for the unemployed and those on welfare) for their prayers and well wishes."
     And just when it seemed that the statement would never end, it concluded with, "And he encourages us all to get our regular check-ups and penicillin shots. Go Cowboys!"
     Upon Bush's release, Freddy Ford, spokesman and part-time Tupperware salesman, said that the 43rd president is "doing grrreat!"
     Well, I couldn't just take the word of a Tupperware salesman, so I went to go see my old friend myself. We had been brothers in the Delta Chau Ti fraternity in Faber College back during our college days.
     I went to his house in Dallas, where he lives, and found him lying in his bed enthusiastically chowing down on ribs.
     "Ribs?" I asked him, cocking an eyebrow. "With a heart condition?"
     "Oh, sure," he answered happily. "My dad sent them over, 'cause he knew I'd be hungry after my medical ordeal. See? I told you my dad loves me."
     I cocked the other eye.
     "And all this time," he said, shaking his head thoughtfully, "I thought our relationship was worse than the economy."
     I didn't answer. Instead, I took a look around his room. There were flowers everywhere.
     "Wow, you sure are a popular fellow, aren't you?" I walked over to an especially large and somber-looking arrangement.
     "From Putin?" I asked.
     "From my dad," he answered. "See? I told you he loved me."
     "I thought you were allergic to lilies?"
     "I am, but I still appreciate the sentiment."
      "Well, Mr. President, I'm glad to see that you're doing okay. I'd better go and let you get your rest."
     Before I could leave, his wife walked in. She was carrying a large gift tray full of cheeses from around the world.
     "Don't tell her about the penicillin shot," he whispered to me from one corner of his mouth.
     I gave him a wink.
     "Jim," her eyes brightened when she saw me. "Don't tell me you're leaving already?"
     "I'm sorry, Laura, but I've got to go."
     "Well, just be sure to see me on your way out. I want to show you my Georgia O'Keefe paintings."
     I assured her I would, and she gave me a wink as she passed me on her way to her husband.
     She placed the tray down on the nightstand next to his bed. I could see that there was enough cheese on that gift tray to choke a horse.
     "They're from your father," she told him.
     Bush looked over at me, and gave me his cockiest grin. He was happier'n a pig in... well... you know.
     "See? I told you my dad loves me."


American Chimpanzee
JimDuchene.blogspot.com
RaisingMyFather.blogspot.com
@JimDuchene
 

Friday, August 9, 2013

Dear John (8-9-13)

Hard Core Advice From
Hard Core's Hardest Core...
John Leslie!


Dear John,
     I recently had a conversation with my mother. She mentioned that she and Grandma are not speaking again. She reminisced about how poorly she's been treated by her mother, even as a child.
     She then mentioned how her mother donates blood frequently, and told her she is O-negative, which means it's genetically impossible for her to be my mom's biological mother, because my mom is AB-negative.
     Family relations with that side of the family are very fragile, and I am fairly confident that my grandmother would never tell them the truth about the situation. I don't have contacts with relatives on that side of the family because grandma prohibited it.
     I have one question about this, should I tell my mother? Should I confront my grandmother? How do I start a search looking for the answers on my own?
     I guess that's more than one question, isn't it?
     --Sally (not my real name)

Dear Sally,
Of course that's your real name. Girl, you are as dumb as a rock.


Dear John,
     My boyfriend Keith (not his real name) has worked at a retail store for 30 years. He has been friends with a female co-worker named Marla (also not her real name) for a while. This co-worker calls Keith every day. I mean EVERY day. At work, they talk constantly. If he doesn't work on a specific day, she calls him multiple times at home.
     I have no problem with their friendship, except that Keith keeps most of this information from me. When I ask him directly about talking to Marla, he denies it, even though I have cellphone records as proof. If it is only a friendship, why is he so secretive? There have also been several occasions where we had plans, but Keith made up excuses for being late while he waited for Marla's phone call.
     Keith doesn't understand my frustration with having to wait so that he can talk to his "friend," and because he has limited minutes on his cell plan, he spends most of the talking with her, and not with me.
     Should I be concerned?
     --Stymied

Dear Stymied,
Girl, you are dumb as a rock.


Dear John,
     "Too Good of a Cook" said she'd like to have some help with the grocery bills and cooking when her eight grown children and numerous grandchildren visit. This is what WE did:
     Six couples were invited to spend the weekend at a friend's mountain cabin. The hostess specified that each couple would be responsible for cooking one meal for everyone and should bring all of the groceries required for that meal.
     It worked out GREAT. And it was fun to sample everyone else's cooking. We shared the cooking cleanup and grocery expense. The hostess didn't have to spend a fortune on groceries and all her time preparing meals.
     --Helpful

Dear Helpful,
Girl, you are... no, that's actually a good idea.


Confidential to Not My Real Name
Girl, you are as dumb as a rock.
 
 
American Chimpanzee
jimduchene.blogspot.com
RaisingMyFather.blogspot.com
@JimDuchene
   

Monday, August 5, 2013

El Paso! The Survey!

El Paso gets a bad rap.
     I just read in a recent poll that Anthony Weiner comes out ahead of our great city in likeability.  It may be our proximity to one of the most dangerous cities in the world.  It may be a misunderstanding of who we are as a community.  Or it may be something much simpler, like our constantly being mistaken for George Bush.  Who knows? 
     That's why, I suppose, El Paso's City Development Department has, um, developed (Which is what they do, I guess. Developing things, I mean.) a survey designed to help the powers-that-be gain a better understanding of our great city's local business climate. 
     I don't know how much money they spent sending these surveys out, but I'm sure they would have spent more, except that former Mayor John Cook, El Paso's first honorary gay mayor, needed the money from the petty cash drawer to pay the legal bills he incurred when he was sued by HBO for looking too much like the Cryptkeeper, the host of their horror anthology show Tales From The Crypt.  It didn't help his cause when he took his guitar to court in lieu of a lawyer, and decided to sing La Macarena instead of pleading, "Innocent, your honor."
     But I digress...
     They sent the surveys to businesses such as Joe's Pawn Shop, Moe's Pawn Shop, and Ho's Pawn Shop (otherwise know as The Red Parrot, a communist topless bar for friends and fowls). 
     I got my hands on a copy of the survey. 
     Well, actually my twelve year-old daughter did.  She was selling lemonade in front of our house on a recent hot summer day, when Denisse Rodarte, the EPCDD's program administrator known best for dotting her i's, crossing her t's, and adding an extra "s" to her first name, handed her a copy. 
     "Do you want any lemonade?" my young daughter asked, taking the survey with one hand and holding out a paper cup filled with something wet and sweet with the other.  "It's an awfully hot day."
     "No!" came Ms. Rodarte's curt reply, which, I'm sure, had nothing to do with her being a Ms.
     Apparently, developing an understanding of El Paso's business climate doesn't include developing a desire to buy lemonade from a fellow El Pasoan, even if she is twelve years-old and cute as a button. 
     My daughter gave Denisse her brightest smile. 
     "Are you sure?" my daughter cooed, as sweetly as she could.
     "Well, okay," the program administrator finally relented.  Heck, she even smiled herself.  "But you're going to have to bill the city for it."
     I took the survey from my daughter and looked at it.  In all, it was a total of ten questions.
     What the heck, I thought, looking through the survey.  I'll fill it out.


EL PASO'S BUSINESS CLIMATE

1)  How would you describe El Paso's business climate? 
I answered:  Um... isn't it YOUR job to describe El Paso's business climate?

2)  Maybe you misunderstood the question.  Since El Paso is trying to improve its image, would you say that we have a positive business climate? 
I would say yes, if, by positive, you mean broke.

3)  You still don't get it.  We're trying to improve our image here! Isn't there anything you can say that's positive about El Paso's business climate? 
Um... no.

4)  Let me put it another way:  Drug Wars!  Kidnappings!  Robberies!  Extortion!  And that's just the politicians and law-enforcement agents across the border.  Compared to all that, wouldn't you say that El Paso's business climate looks good in comparison? 
Well, since you put it that way... no.

5)  Okay, I'm giving you one last chance.  Detroit!  Bankrupt!  What do you think about that? 
I feel sorry for the people of Detroit, but don't you think David Bowie's "Panic In Detroit" is one of his best songs?. 

6)  Are you kidding me?  Bowie's comeback is all well and good, but he's no Pepe Aguilar! 
Who's Pepe Aguilar?

7)  Hey, I'm asking the questions here.  This survey is part of an initiative to help our city leaders gain a better understanding of our business climate, so that we can up with a game plan to properly promote El Paso as a vacation and relocating business destination. 
Then I would suggest we find a way to promote ourselves as the great city we are, rather than try to make ourselves look good by making someone else look bad.

8)  Okay, on a scale of one to ten, with ten being the highest, how would you rate El Paso's business climate? 
I choose "c."

9)  What are you, a wiseguy?  Why, I outta...
Hey, I don't have to take that.  Do you have a final question for me, or not?

10)  Yes.  Does this survey make me look fat? 
No...  your fat makes you look fat.


American Chimpanzee
jimduchene.blogspot.com
RaisingMyFather.blogspot.com
@JimDuchene
  

Friday, August 2, 2013

Dear John (8-2-13)

Hard Core Advise From
Hard Core’s Hardest Core… John Leslie

 
 
Dear John,
                I feel betrayed by my husband, and he doesn’t seem to see the problem.
“Victor” and I have been married for over 40 years. He’s always had a wandering eye, and a problem being faithful. For whatever reason, I was never enough for him. He has no idea how much he has hurt me over the years. I put up with a lot, but now he has started watching pornography when he thinks I’m asleep.
I know he’s masturbating, but if I ask whether he wants to have sex with me, he always says “no.”  I feel as if he’s cheating on me in my own bed. I’ve tried talking to “Victor” about it, but he makes me think I’m the one with the problem.
What do you think I should do?
--Betrayed

Dear Betrayed,
Sorry, but I was out all night and can’t seem to focus. Say again?

 
Dear John,
                My husband and I have been happily married for 15 years and recently decided to try an open-marriage lifestyle. We are doing this with full honesty and respect for each other.
                The main problem is that the dating success is not equal. I found it easier to get a date, whereas my husband is having tremendous difficulty. He has online dating profiles, but no luck. I am seeing someone who is a wonderful person, but I want my husband to experience new things along with me.
                Open marriage is still considered taboo, and it is extremely important to my husband and me that we are honest about our marital status with any prospective date. Even though he is happy for me, I feel compelled to help him, but I don’t know how to do it without overstepping unspoken boundaries.
                --Bothered

Dear Bothered,
                Man… I can barely keep my eyes open.

 
Dear John,
                I will be graduating from high school in less than a month. I’m a very good student and have been given a free ride to Yale University. I will be leaving in September.
                But I feel very disappointed that I was not selected as the valedictorian of my graduating class. Ever since I entered high school, I have taken college prep classes. They include calculus, trigonometry, advanced Chemistry, and Mandarin Chinese I, II, and III, just to name a few. I have received all A’s, except for one little C+ in roller-skate dancing.
                The boy who is our valedictorian received A’s in all of his high school classes, but he didn’t take any college prep courses. His courses were less strenuous.
                I will give him credit for getting all A’s, but he didn’t take any classes that had the level of degree of difficulty, like I did.
                My parents went to see the principal, who agreed that I took the more difficult course load, but said that rules were rules, and the rule for our school states that the senior with the highest grade average would be the valedictorian.
                I feel like I was robbed of a very special honor.
                What do you think?
                --Cheated

Dear Cheated,
                …yawn…

 
Confidential To Still Waiting
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…
 
 
American Chimpanzee
jimduchene.blogspot.com
RaisingMyFather.blogspot.com
@JimDuchene