Monday, December 30, 2013

Dear John: Special New Year's Edition

Hard Core Advice From
Hard Core's Hardest Core... John Leslie!

Dear John,
     Can you give me any advice about a Panamanian cruise I want to take over Christmas and extending into New Year's? It's a ten to 14 day cruise from Florida, and we'll be stopping at various Panamanian ports along the way.

Dear Cruising,
     Yes, there's this little brothel I like to go to when I'm slumming it in Panama. It's called "La Cucaracha." Give it a try. Tell them Johnny sent you.

Dear John,
     I'd like to find out if there are any events or fun things to do in Curacao during New Year's. Also, which airline has the best price to travel on to Puerto Vallarta, Mexico?

Dear Hurry,
     A fun event they have in Curacao during New Year's is their annual Running of the Hookers at midnight on New Year's Eve. I'm so glad to see you're including Mexico in your holiday vacation plans. Despite all the bad press it's received concerning all the drug violence from all the drug cartels, let me tell you, you'll never feel more alive than when you're being shot at by angry drug lords. As for any inexpensive flights... don't be cheap, you're embarrassing me.

Dear John,
     Seven senior family members (60s to 70s) are planning a trip to Hawaii for New Year's for approximately 12 days. Do you suggest we make our own arrangements to visit several islands or take the inter-island cruise? If we don't take the cruise, which islands would you suggest and for what duration of time? And can you suggest some "must-see" attractions in Hawaii?

Dear Old,
     Being in my upper 60s myself, I've found it's always better to let others do the grunt work for me. I like to pay them by check, that way I can cancel it when I get back to the mainland. Personally, I like to stay on the main island and hit the bars in the homeless district. It's amazing what adventures you can find yourself in the middle of if you slip the bartender a twenty and tell him that you're looking for some action and you don't care what it costs. Some "must-see" attractions are the Japanese massage parlors by the Naval docks. Ask for the "Al Gore" special, and tell them Johnny sent you.

Dear John,
     I am thinking about going to see the Christmas markets from Vienna to Munich over Thanksgiving week. Any suggestions?
     --Can't Wait

Dear Can't,
     Yeah, quit thinking about it. You're too late.

Dear John,
     I want to go to the Galapagos to see all the funny-looking animals there. When is the best season?

Dear Curious,
     Judging by the family photos you've posted on Facebook, you can stay at home.

Confidential to Cubano
Since you're going to Cuba, I need you to do me a favor. There's a package I need  picked up, and I can't do it myself. Don't worry about what's inside, it's completely legit. Just go to
The Fidel Castro Pleasure Palace.
Tell them Johnny sent you.
American Chimpanzee

Friday, December 27, 2013

The Week In Tweets: Special 2-Days-After-Xmas Edition


It's okay to be naughty again. Santa's done watching for the year.

Christmas has become way too commercialized, but, since I always get some really nice gifts, I'm okay with that.

Christmas is never over as long as you have cash left in your gift cards.

Justin Bieber tweeted that he f***s ''...BITCHES!'' What he DIDN'T tweet was that his cat's name is ''Bitches.''

Justin Bieber's SHOCKING Christmas tweet: HE'S RETIRING! Yes, Virginia, there IS a Santa Claus.

Justin Bieber loves wearing loud, colorful socks. Just like the first President Bush and comedian Haywood Banks! Oh, Biebs, you are SO hip.

Only 363 shopping days until Christmas!

Answer: Tit For Tat. Question: How does Miley Cyrus pay for her tattoos?

Carlos Santana was reunited with a former band member he hadn't seen in decades and who now lives on the streets! ''It was an honor to finally meet Willie Nelson,'' he said.

Justin Bieber's new documentary ''Believe'' opens this week. I wonder which black employee he's going to slap in this one.

Russian President Putin frees his enemies as part of Sochi spin! "Don't worry" he said. "I will have them all killed later."

Justin Bieber's SHOCKING Christmas tweet: HE'S RETIRING! The world yawns in response.

Did you know Rihanna's rockin' sockin' ex-boyfriend, Chris Brown is part Indian? Yes. ARAPAHO!

Alec Baldwin BLASTS Duck Dynasty's Phil Robertson! ''Only I can get away with insulting women and faggots! Just ask my piggie daughter,'' he said, punching a paparazzi.

Charlie Sheen BLASTS Duck Dynasty's Phil Robertson! ''There's only room 4 ONE celebrity idiot... and that's ME!''

I love feel-good holiday movies. I get the same happy feeling without having to do anything for anybody.

Things That Make Me Go Hmm... Have you noticed, fruit cake doesn't taste like fruit OR cake?

If my ex could just learn to laugh at herself... she wouldn't have time for anything else.

U.N. investigators discover a mass grave with 34 bodies in civil war-torn Sudan! Here, in Juarez, Mexico, we call that a slow news day.

I don't cry. I just sweat through my eyes.

I'm not saying my ex's a skank, but she was disappointed that the movie The Fly wasn't about Jeff Goldblum's zipper.

Make friends with pain and disappointment, and you will never be alone.

U.N. investigators discovered a mass grave with 34 bodies in the civil war-torn Sudan! Here, in Juarez, Mexico... we call that Tuesday.

Ah, Christmas... the one day when we all act a little nicer, smile a little easier, and cheer a little more.

I have 2 options when I buy my wife a Christmas gift. I can buy her what I know she'd really like... or I can buy her what I can afford.

'Twas the night before Christmas... and my kids all changed their minds about what they wanted Santa to bring them.

Have I been naughty or nice? Let's just say I don't do anything I can't get away with.

The Obama Economy: Rudolph's been laid-off in a cost-cuting measure. Santa's switched to using less-expensive LEDs.

For Christmas, I want a case of electronic GPS trackers. I put them on my golf balls. They've cut my game in half.

Every Christmas, I like to buy a little something for someone really special: Me!

It's a good thing there are l2 days of Christmas. It's gonna take me that long to untangle the Christmas lights.

The NSA to Santa: '' Naughty... nice... it doesn't matter. Just hand over your lists, fat man!''

Movie idea: In the not-too-distant future, ugly Christmas sweaters come to life... and hunger for human flesh!
TODAY! The president signs up for ObamaCare HIMSELF! To prove he's JUST LIKE US! Will he USE IT? ''HECK, NO! I'm not STUPID, like YOU!''

On this date in l823, 'Twas The Night Before Christmas was first published! And children ever since have wondered why Rudolph was left out.

On this date in l968, the captured crew of the U.S. Pueblo were released after the North Koreans realized that no one in their country spoke English.

On this date in l972, an earthquake killed over 5,OOO people in Nicaragua! Not even God could get rid of General Noriega.

Anna Maria Perez de Tagle turns 23! Know why you haven't heard of her? By the time casting directors get halfway through her name, they give up.

Pearl Jam's Eddie Vedder turns 49 today! It's not that I don't like Pearl Jam's music, it's that if I wanted to be depressed I'd go back to my ex.

Emperor Akihito turns 8O today! Don't the Japanese consider him to be a god? If that's true, then why does he get old and sick like the rest of us?

Have I been naughty or nice? Let's just say I didn't do anything I couldn't blame on someone else.

If Alec Baldwin gets a talk show on MSNBC, and there's no one there to watch it, does it still stink?

Did you hear that a sexual harassment lawsuit's been filed against Miley Cyrus? Who knew a wrecking ball could sue?

This Is The End, The World's End, Bruce Jenner and the Kardashians... this was the year of the apocalypse comedy.

What does the fox say? ''Dude, this stinks. I'm suing.''

Between Britney Jean and Smurfs 2, Britney Spears detonated more bombs in 2Ol3 than the sequel to The Expendables.

What does it say about Justin Bieber's career when his biggest release of the past year was his peeing into a mop bucket?

President and Mrs. Obama wish everybody a happy Kwanzaa and a festive Festivus! Because, as president, ''I have to kiss EVERYBODY'S ass!''
The Aw, Nuts! Humor Blog