Monday, March 24, 2014

Fifty Shades of Satire (Chapter 6b)

When I finally make my way into my duplex I fully expect to see not-Willie-Nelson, but the surprising Kate Kavanaugh manages to surprisingly surprise me one again.
     "Well, look who the cat dragged in," I say, and then stop in my tracks. There are two strange Asian men sitting at the table eating the breakfast of champions. From the bathroom, I can hear some strange noises. I guess Kate ate a bad clam.
     "Who are you?" I asked the one who was obviously in charge.
     "That is correct," he answered.
     "What is correct?"
     "I am Hu."
     "That's what I'm asking."
     "Asking what?"
     "Who you are."
     "That is correct."
     "What is correct?"
     "Hu I am."
     "I don't understand."
     "Hu is my name."
     " 'What is my name?' "
     "You mean, 'what' is your name. Not 'who.' "
     "My name is Hu, not What."
     "That doesn't even make sense. You should learn how to speak English."
     "Yu speak English," he says, pointing to his friend.
     "Yes," his friend says.
     "That's not you," I correct him. "That's him. He speaks English."
     "Him not he, him Yu."
     "No, he's not."
     "He not Yu?"
     "No, I'm 'you.' "
     "You're Yu?"
     "Yes," I say, pointing to myself. "Me. Me!"
     He points to his friend.
     "Yu 'he'?" he says, and looks at me for confirmation.
     "That's right," I say, nodding my head.
     He points at me.
     "You 'Yu'?"
     "Now you've got it," I say, encouraging him.
     He then points to himself.
     "And me Hu."
     I slap my hand down hard on the kitchen table.
     "And that's what I'm trying to find out!"
     Fortunately, that's when Kate finally comes out of the bathroom and straightens the whole thing out. She tells me that once she found out she wasn't diddling with the real Willie Nelson, she dumped that homeless guy like he was, well, homeless. And that's when she picked up China's President Hu, who was in the country to ignore President Obama.
     She took him home, and had wild Asian sex with him.
     "He was insatiable," she tells me.
     "That's right."
     After they were done, he--Hu--went into the bathroom, and came out a minute later, ready for some more action. This happened five more times. They'd have sex. He'd go into the bathroom. And then he'd come out, raring to go another time. And another time. And another time. And another time. And another.
     Finally, she had to go to the bathroom, and that's where she discovered the six Chinese nationals who had snuck in the bathroom window the original Hu had opened when he first went in there.
     I look at Hu. He's nodding in agreement, proud of himself.
     "Mr. Chinese President," Kate tells him, pointing at me, "this is my friend Anastasia."
     "Anastasia?" he asks, his eyes widening, which isn't an easy thing for him to do.
     "Yes," I confirm. "Anastasia."
     "Oooh," he says. "What a funny name."
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