Monday, May 19, 2014

Fifty Shades of Satire (Chapter 9b)

   He leads me down the hall. I bump into three walls and a door-jam, and then we're where he wants us to be.
     "Get on your knees," he orders.
     And I do.
     "Stick out your hand, palm up. I'm going to place something in it."
     And he does.
     It's longer than it is wide. It's so big I need to hold it with both my hands, and it feels cool against my skin. I close my fingers around it. It is both soft, yet hard to the touch. Smooth, yet ridged. Armed, yet dangerous.
     "Push it forward," he demands.
     And I do.
     "Now back."
     And I do.
     And I do.
     And I do.
     As it comes back toward me I open my mouth like it's the most natural thing in the world for me to do.
     "Don't," he says. "You'll hurt your teeth."
     Hurt? My? Teeth?
     His hand slips just under mine. I can both hear and feel a switch being flipped. There's a low rumbling, and whatever's in my hand comes to life with an arousing vibration.
     OMG! Could it be what I think it is?
     I open one eye and peek.
     It is! It is!
     "I didn't say you could peek," he chastises me.
     There's an undertow of anger in his voice. A sewer of madness, if you will. Not 'madness' as in crazy, but 'madness' as in anger. But since I've already used the word anger, I didn't want to use it again. How about if I say 'madinousity'? Of course it's a word. I just used it, didn't I?
     "I'll punish you later," he says.
     "Oh... Christian..." I pant. "Is it... can it really be a... a Nimbus 5000 vacuum cleaner? I've only heard of them. I never thought they really existed."
     "Only seven were made," he tells me. "I own three."
     "Oh... my... goobers, I can feel the suction through the handle and into the very core of my being."
     Christian puts his lips close to my ear.
     "It sucks good, yes?" he whispers huskily.
     "It sucks good, yesss..." I answer.
     "You like the way it sucks?" he whispers into my other ear.
     "I looove the way it sucks."
     "How does all that sucking make you feel?" he begins in one ear, and finishes in the other.
     My inner goddess is doing the hokey-pokey, and she turns herself around...
     "Hmmm... it makes me feel..."--I look for exactly the right word--"...supercalifragilistic."
     Now it was my turn to say, "What?"
     "You mean 'expialidocious.' It makes you feel supercalifragilisticexpialidocious."
     "No, just supercalifragilistic."
     ...and that's what it's all about.
     The vibration is driving me wild as I keep moving the Nimbus 5000 back and forth, back and forth. I don't know how much more I can take before I'll explode in an explosion of exploding explosions. In the vacuuming world, what I'm holding in my hand is known as The Suckmaster Supreme.
     "I can feel it in my skin," I moan.
     "I can feel it in my bones," I cry.
     "I can feel it in the little man at the front of the boat," I whimper.
     "The little man at the front of the boat."
     "The little man at ... ah... wha?"
     "The front of the boat! The front of the boat!"
     "And what does the little man say?"
     "He says to... to... keep on vacuuming!"
     And I do.
     Until the vacuuming ends in a crescendo of spent passion.
     "That was incredible," Christian tells me, breathlessly. He looks at the carpet. It's clean. "Is this your first time?"
     "Yes," I confess. Not bad for a first-timer.
     "I don't believe it," he goes on. "You didn't even get a cramp."
     I blush with pride. He's amazed at my sucking ability. In fact, so am I. Who knew?
     "You're really good at sucking. I mean, really good at sucking. You sucked it all up. You didn't leave anything."
     He stands close to me, our bodies almost touching. I can feel his warmth, his aura, the size of his wallet.
     "I've never seen this carpet so clean," he says.
     I stand on my tip-toes and lift my head slightly to kiss him lightly on the lips.
     He pulls away.
     "I'm sorry," he says." I've never been able to kiss a girl after she's just vacuumed."
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