Monday, June 30, 2014

Fifty Shades of Satire (Chapter 11a)

Inside the manila envelope there are several papers... and a duck. Not a real duck. A photograph of one. Did you think I meant a real duck, silly? That's because you're stupid.
     I fish the papers out, my heart pounding in my freshly-shaved chest. There's a hand-written note attached. It reads, "Don't worry about wearing any jewelry. I'm planning on giving you a pearl necklace."
     I sit back on my bed and take a closer look.
     Hmmm, it's a menu.
     Here, I'll describe what I can, but some of you may have just eaten.
Christian Grey's Homestyle Sex Buffet
Alabama Hot Pockets
Charleston Chews
(You put your top lip on top, you put your bottom lip on the bottom, and you work the middle.)
Cleveland Steamer
For Breakfast
Boston Pancake
For Lunch
The Hot Lunch
Texas Hot Plate
For Dinner
Mississippi Meathook
(You hook your thumb and forefinger like you're carrying a six-pack. Only it's not a six-pack, if you get my drift.)
The Houdini
(You pretend to do something, but you don't, and, when your partner looks back, you do it.)
Canada's History
(Something so depraved, it can't be explained on TV.)
The El Paso Theory
(There's a sex act named after every major metropolitan city or state... except El Paso.)
Clam Jam
Canton Crab-Walk
Hot Carl
(No, I'm not talking about that annoying kid on The Walking Dead.)
Chilli Dog
Toledo Taco
Alaskan Pipeline
Jersey Turnpike
(This one requires someone eventually yelling out, "I'm a blast in a glass!")
Celebrity Specials
The Kanye West
(Stopping in the middle of what you're doing, telling your partner how someone did it better, then continuing.)
The Tony Danza
(Somewhere along the line you yell out, "Who's the boss?" Then you give your partner a donkey punch, and answer, "Tony Danza!")
The Cosby Sweater
(This one sounds fun. You eat your fill of a colorful cereal, then vomit on your partner's chest during--well, you know--giving them a colorful "sweater," like the kind Bill Cosby used to wear on his TV show.)
The Paris Hilton
(I don't want to be too specific, but, like Kansas, it's flat, white, and easy to enter.)
For The Kids
Panamanian Petting Zoo
(It's better that I don't even try to describe this one.)
Strawberry Shortcake
Toledo Raspberry
Maui Mudslide
Toledo Mudflap
Donkey Punch
Dirty Sanchez
(It's when you... and then you... and then...  and then... excuse me, I need to throw up.)
Rusty Trombone
Angry Dragon
(You smack your partner in the back of the head so that something in their mouth shoots out of their nose, making them look like an angry dragon.)
Angry Pirate
(Like a sniper, you take out your partner's eye with what came out of the Angry Dragon's nose, and then, when they get up to yell at you, you kick them in the shin so that they hobble around like a one-eyed, one-legged angry pirate.)
Pink Sock
(You don't know. You don't wanna know.)
Teabag (no charge)
No substitutions.
(And everything comes with a nice "glaze.")
Fifty Shades of Satire

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