Monday, July 14, 2014

Fifty Shades of Satire (Chapter 11c)

I don't know what my editor could even have been thinking about, I don't even own a computer, so I don't know how he expects me to exchange emails with Christian.
     "Wake up, Ana," my roommate Kate interrupts my revery, "you have a delivery."
     "Is it a pizza?" I ask, hopefully.
     "No, it's a computer."
     Aw, you can't eat a computer. Believe me, I've tried.
     "That's right, ma'am," a male voice says, malefully. "A laptop, to be precise. It's the HAL 9001, a Heuristically programmed Algorithmic computer, and it's courtesy of Christian Grey, Ltd."
     What a jerk that Christian Grey is, I thought to myself. How dare he GIVE ME SOMETHING!
     That's right! my inner goddess agrees with me.
     You go, girl! my subconscious says.
     The third voice in my head offers no opinion. It just sits there, cleaning its gun.
     I look up and see a walking side of beef. If this were a movie, Rocky would be punching on him to get ready for a fight. Kate's noticed him, too, and she likes what she sees. I can tell by the puddle of drool at her feet.
     "How thoughtful," Kate says. "Christian sent you a computer, and he sent me... him!"
     "Sorry, ma'am," the delivery guy says to her, taking a step back. "But I'm supposed to set the computer up for Miss Steele here and show her how it works."
     "Pish, posh," Kate says, taking his arm and leading him into her bedroom. "Pish, posh, I say. Have you ever heard of an Dominican Head Dunk?"
     "No, ma'am," he answered. "I haven't."
     "Well, you're in for a treat," she tells him and then turns to me and says, "You don't mind if I steal him from you, do you, Ana?"
     "Well, can't he set up the computer and show me how to use it first?" I ask.
     "I didn't think you would," she answers, and disappears with him into her room. She closes the door behind her. I hear her turn the lock. And then the other lock. And then the other.
     She wasn't letting this one get away.
     Oh, well... how hard can setting up a computer be?
     By the next day, I've just about got it figured how to take my new laptop out of its box. Kate and the delivery guy are still in her room. I hear her charging up her defibrillator. She must have really shown him a good time.
     With the computer out of the box it's a simple matter for me to plug the three-pronged electrical thingie into the three-opening electrical thingie in the wall and I watch--amazed--as the computer comes alive in my hands. There's probably a sexual metaphor there. Crap if I know what it is.
     A large red light, round and located in the center of the computer, comes on. It reminds me of an eye--my father's, after a night of entertaining one of my "aunts"--and looks as if it's looking at me. I lean to the left, it seems to look to the left. I look to the right, the same thing. If I didn't know any better, I'd think...
     Ding! the computer says, interrupting my train of thought. How cute. the computer dings! when it wants to get my attention. I wonder if I can get it to tell me where Kate hides the kielbasa.
     I look. Oh, my. I already have a message. It's an email. And it's from Christian Grey!
     I open it. It reads:
 
From: Christian Grey
To: Anastasia Steele
Date: 7-14-14
 
Knock, knock!
 
     What? A knock, knock joke? I... uh... don't understand.
     Ding!
     Another message from His Majesty. I open this one as well.
 
From: Christian Grey
To: Anastasia Steele
Date: 7-14-14
 
I said: KNOCK, KNOCK!
 
     Oh, my. He sounds rather testy. I quickly answer back. I don't want him mad at me.
 
From: Anastasia Steele
To: Christian Grey
Date: 7-14-14
 
Who's there?
 
     Ding!
 
From: Christian Grey
To: Anastasia Steele
Date: 7-14-14
 
Buster.
 
     Buster? Hmmm...
 
From: Anastasia Steele
To: Christian Grey
Date: 7-14-14
 
Buster who?
 
     Ding!
 
From: Christian Grey
To: Anastasia Steele
Date: 7-14-14
 
It sure was fun to Buster cherry.
 
     How... how... romantic! If there's one thing Christian Grey is full of, it's romance. Yeah, he's full of it, all right.
     I look back at the emails. My editor was right, they sure do take up a lot of space.
     Ding!
 
From: Christian Grey
To: Anastasia Steele
Date: 7-14-14
 
Knock, knock!
 
     I don't make the same mistake, and I answer back quickly.
 
From: Anastasia Steele
To: Christian Grey
Date: 7-14-14
 
Who's there?
 
     Ding!
 
From: Christian Grey
To: Anastasia Steele
Date: 7-14-14
 
Dewey.
 
From: Anastasia Steele
To: Christian Grey
Date: 7-14-14
 

Dewey who?
 
     Ding!
 
From: Christian Grey
To: Anastasia Steele
Date: 7-14-14
 
For future reference, Dewey have to use a condom?
 
     A what?
 
A what?
 
Knock, knock!
 
     Man, is this getting tiresome.
 
Who's there"
 
Khan.
 
     Oh my gosh, don't tell me Christian is one of those Star Trekkie freaks? Crap, do I find that hot.
 
Khan who?
 
Khan-dom! Do we have to use a Khan-dom?
 
     Oh... a Khan-dom. Now it's all beginning to make sense.
     Not use a Khan-dom? How stupid does he think I am? In this day and age where sexually transmitted diseases are as common as a White House denial, he's asking me if he can get out of using protection? I've never been more insulted in my life.
 
Not if you don't want to.
 
     Ding!
 
Knock, knock!
 
Who's there"
 
Little Boy Blue.
 
     Wow, I wonder what incredibly romantic thing he's going to tell me this time?
 
Little Boy Blue who?
 
Little Boy Blue Michael Jackson.
 
     Ew...
     Hmm... lemme see that menu again.
 
 
Fifty Shades of Humor
jimduchene.BlogSpot.com
RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com
@JimDuchene
 

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