Monday, October 13, 2014

Fifty Shades of Parody (Chapter 14b)

I awake with a shock. That's the last time I fall asleep in the bathtub with a toaster.
     Wow... morning already.
     "What time is it?" I ask my Hello Kitty alarm clock. Not having a mouth, it doesn't answer, so I look to see where the little and big hands are pointing. I quickly do the math. Hmmm, carry the one... it's eight o'clock.
     Eight o'clock? Times a-wasting!
     I run into the bathroom for my morning constitutional. My tummy is rumbling, just a tad upset. I can't take care of business, however, because there's a man working on the plumbing. A Mexican man. Must be that cousin of Jose's from Mexico who's... um... visiting. He said he would send him over to fix our toilet.
     "Oh, excuse me," I tell him. "Are you working on the plumbing?"
     "Si," he tells me.
     This toilet had always given us trouble. That's one of the reasons we're moving.
     "I guess Jose sent you."
     "Are you his cousin?"
     "My name's Ana. What's yours?"
     "Do you speak English, Sy?"
     "Sy, I really have to use the bathroom."
     "Are you saying I can't use it?"
     This place drives me nuts. The toilet has never worked properly, and now I have to use the bathroom and I can't. It has to be fixed before we can move out or we'll lose our deposit, but why should we pay for something to be fixed that was already broken to begin with? We couldn't afford to hire a real plumber, so Jose said he'd get one of his relatives to do the job.
     "A cousin of mine," Jose told me. "He works real cheap."
     "Real cheap?"
     I vent all my frustrations to my captive audience. He listens patiently. I tell him that we--Kate and I--feel we're owed some kind of monetary settlement for all the pain and suffering we've been through.
     "So what do you think we should do?" I ask him finally.
     "That's good advice, Sy."
     "By the way, thanks for coming by on such short notice. Jose says you work cheap."
     "So... how much are you going to charge us?"
     "A hundred bucks."
     I'm discombobulated and just plain bobulated. I excuse myself and head back to bed.
     I'm so confused. Do I really have that final exam to take? Or was all that nonsense just a dream? I guess there's only one way to find out. I get back up and put on the first thing I find: Christian's jacket. That's sure to not draw suspicion from my nosy roommate. Speaking of whom...
     Kate is in the kitchen when I stagger in like Frankenstein's monster. I'm not what you would call a morning person. Kate, as usual, looks beautiful. When I first met her our freshman year at UTEP, she was rather plain looking. And then she had a drawing of a beautiful face tattooed over her plain one. It was a gift from her father. What a difference it made. She went from looking like King Kong to Fay Wray.
     "Well," she says when she sees me, "look who's up. You look like something the cat dragged in. And ate. And puked up on the floor."
     That Kate. She's such a kidder.
     We don't have a cat.
     "Thanks," I say, "and your tattoo looks as beautiful as ever."
     "Well, you know what I always say."
     "I was hoping you'd know, because I can never remember." She squints her eyes and takes a closer look at me. "Oh my goodness... is that Christian's jacket you're wearing?"
     I thought she'd never notice.
     "This old thing?" I mock. "I've had this Armani bathrobe for years."
     "Tell me, tell me, tell me," She says, apparently wanting me to tell her something. "Did you sleep with him?"
     "Not a wink," I assure her.
     She seems satisfied with that and begins to talk. Man, she has a lot to say.
     I head to the refrigerator and begin to make myself my morning concoction. I take some low-fat milk, mix it with honey, add some Chia seeds and stir vigorously. It's a nutritious drink designed to give me plenty of energy for the day. After I make it, I immediately pour it into the toilet, cutting out the middle-man. I'm on my third helping of whale blubber before I notice Kate is wrapping it up.
     "And that's the story of the man from Nantucket," she finishes. "Now tell me all about your date, Ana. Did Christian wonder where I was?"
     "Did he wonder who I was with?"
     "Did he wonder where I was and who I was with?"
     "Kate, I keep telling you" I say, telling her, "I really don't want to talk about it, and that's not because of any contract I may or may not have signed that legally requires me by law to keep mum."
     "Isn't there anything you can tell me?"
     "Well, he doesn't like Wanda."
     "He doesn't? I can't believe that. Who's Wanda?"
     "I don't know. Like you, I wasn't paying attention to the last chapter."
     "Well..." she starts and then tapers off with nothing to say.
     "Well..." I begin, trying to think of some other stuff to fill up this chapter. I get a sudden burst of inspiration. It was the bean burrito I had from Taco Bell on my way home last night.
     She lifts two fingers to her nose and squeezes her nostrils shut.
     "You want to listen to my valedictorian speech?" she squeaks.
     Before I can even say yes, she's already running out of the room. Wow, she must really be anxious to have me listen to her speech.
     While she's gone, I take the opportunity to think about that dream I had last night, about the contract Christian Grey wants me to sign, and about that bean burrito I had at Taco Bell. That dream must have had some deeper meaning, but as for what that deeper meaning is, I don't understand.
     The thing I remember most about last night's dream is Christian flying a 747 into the Grand Canyon. A big, long, hard object going into a giant gaping hole. Even though a 747 is huge, in the dream, once it was inside the canyon the plane looked so small and the hole so big. Surely that must mean something. but I can't make the connection.
     My inner goddess shows up smoking a cigarette. She has dark bags under her eyes.
     "Where've you been?" I ask her.
     "Mind your own business," she tells me.
     Just then, Kate rushes back in with a copy of her speech in one hand and a book of matches in the other. Unfortunately for her, I just had another inspiration, so she keeps moving on out the door.
     "I'll see you at the graduation," she yells on her way out.
     I'd answer, but I'm in the middle of another inspiration.
Fifty Shades of Parody

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