Monday, December 29, 2014

Fifty Shades of Parody (Chapter 15c)

Christian comes close.
     I can smell his cologne. Mmm... Taco Bell. Maybe it's not his cologne after all.
     "Leave it all to me," he tells me, his fingers reaching the zipper at the back of my halter dress. "I've brought some lubricants, diuretics, and smelling salts."
     My eyes widen.
     "Why do I need smelling salts?" I ask him.
     "They're not for you, they're for me," he tells me. "I faint at the sight of blood."
     Oh, my. Did I stumble upon something I ought not have stumble upon?
     "I... I... don't know," I whimper, meekly.
     "Are you worried you won't measure up to all the other women I've been with, Ana? You won't but don't worry, you're every bit as pretty as that homeless lady we saw the other day. In a way, you remind me of Slingblade, only without the potential."
     My eyes fill with tears. I've never been with another man. I wonder if they're all so loving and compassionate.
     Sniff.
     "Don't cry, Ana. If I wanted to see a woman cry I'd go to Planned Parenthood. I'll be gentle, I promise. This reminds me of the last time I went to the dentist.
     "'You're going to feel a little prick in your mouth,' he told me.
     "'Then you'd better give me more gas,' I told him."
     "I don't know, Christian. I mean, we're talking about an exit, not an entrance."
     "You'll enjoy it, Ana. I have a special secret to making women moan with pleasure. I tape several hundred dollar bills to the ceiling over the bed for them to look at while I'm having my filthy way with them. It works every time."
     "Have you ever done it before?"
     "Done what?"
     "Anal sex," I say, averting my eyes in embarrassment.
     "With a woman?"
     "Of course. Who else would I mean?"
     "Uh, nothing. My first time making the brown eye blue was when I was on a business trip to Japan. The morning started with a gift from my business partners. A beautiful Asian girl for me to do with as I wished."
     "And did you?"
     "Did I what?"
     "Do with her what you wished?"
     "Of course I did. It would have been rude of me not to. Her name was Mariko, and while we were in the midst of our lovemaking, she kept crying out--screaming, really--'Shigata ga nai, Anjin-san! Shigata go ani!' Later that day, as I was playing a round of golf with my Japanese business partners, we were down to the last hole. By sheer luck I made a hole-in-one.
     "'Shigata ga nai!' I yelled proudly in triumph. 'Shigata ga nai!'
     "My Japanese business partners all looked at each other, confused. Finally one of them asked me, 'What you mean wrong hole?'"
     Christian stopped talking and looked around, quizzically. This time it was his turn to sniff.
     "Is that pizza I smell?" he asked me. "Can I have a slice?"
     I crinkled my nose at the lingering aroma of Parmesan cheese.
     "Um... maybe I should go freshen up," I said.
     "Why?"
     "Because I stink up close."
     "From far away, too."
     I excuse myself, and quickly go to my bathroom. Lordy, lordy, it's a mess. Sy, Jose's plumber cousin, only succeeded in deplumbelating all the pipes and faucets, and they were all laying haphazardly on the floor waiting to correctly be put back together.
     What to do? What to do?
     I know! Kate's not home. I'll use her bathroom.
     I've never been in Kate's bathroom before. It looks like a shrine. There are candles everywhere. I secure the plug in the bathtub and turn both handles so that both the hot and cold water are filling the tub together. I smile at my own little metaphor. Or is that a simile? Words confuse me.
     I add some bath salts to the warm water. I hope these aren't the kind of bath salts that make me want to eat someone's face. I read a story in the newspaper quite awhile back where bath salts were making drug addicts eat people, and not in the fun way.
     I take off all my clothes and step toe first into the warm liquid. Ooh, that feels nice. I lower myself, fuzzy-face first, and submerge completely. This... is... so... relaxing. Hmmm, what's that? There's a little water-sprayer-looking thingie. It looks like a water-pick, only different. I kinda/sorta remember Kate telling me about the special "friend" she has to wash her va-jay-jay with. This must be it. I press the lever and water comes out in a jet at the curved tip. I use it to wash my pits, between my toes, and even floss. I use it to wash the naughty place where the sun doesn't shine. Mmm... nice.
     Time to wash the va-jay-jay, I guess.
     Four hours later, I step out of the bathroom, naked, and ready for some hot monkey love. I can see Christian already waiting for me in bed.
     "I'm here, Christian," I say, swaying my hips as I stroll sexily toward him. "Get ready for me to rock your world!"
     Nothing.
     "Christian? Christian?"
     Snore!
     Hmm... did I take too long?.
 
 
Fifty Shades of Funny
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