Monday, October 20, 2014

Fifty Shades of Parody (Chapter 14d)

I'm in the auditorium with the rest of my college graduating class. You can feel the excitement in the air. It's like "excite" with a "ment" at the end
     The comedian and host of the whole graduation/comedy roast, Jeffrey Ross, takes the stage at exactly 11:00am. The chancellor walks in just behind him and makes him give it back.
     "Good afternoon," the Roastmaster General says, "we're here to celebrate UTEP's graduating class of who-the-heck-cares?"
     He waits for a healthy chuckle from the audience, and then continues.
     "Joining me at the podium will be Milton Berle, Buddy Hackett, Jack Benny, Sid Ceasar, Geroge Burns of Burns & Allen, Bob Hope of Bob & Hope, Don Rickles, the Marx brothers, the Three Stooges, Abbott & Costello of Abbott & Costello, and Lisa Lampanelli."
     There is polite applause at the mention of each name, but the crowd really erupts at the mention of Lisa Lampanelli. Jeffrey Ross holds up his hand to calm us down. Who's this Lisa Lampanelli everybody is getting so excited over? I look at her. She looks like a million dollars... all green and crumpled.
     "First up, it is my honor to introduce to you... Milton Berle!"
     The crowd lets out an enthusiastic snore as Mr. Television takes the stage.
     "Good evening, ladies and germs," Milton says getting up from his wheelchair. "I don't want to brag, but those rumors you've heard about the size of my penis are all true. My penis is so big that. like you, it graduated from college..."
     We applaud enthusiastically at this.
     "...a year before I did!"
     After Milton Berle gets done bragging about the size of his equipment, Buddy Hackett takes the stage.
     "Good evening, ladies and germs," he says. "I'd like to thank the chancellor for his kind invitation." At this, he turns to the chancellor. "Thank you, Mr. Chancellor. Any similarity between you and a human being is simply coincidental."
     Buddy Hackett steps down and Jack Benny gets up.
     "It's lovely to be here," he begins. "Really lovely. As I look at the chancellor, I can't help but think that some town somewhere is missing its idiot." He turns to address the chancellor personally. "Are you the first one in your family to be born without a tail? I thought so."
     Jack Benny steps down, having gotten some pretty good laughs, but no one still knows who he is.
     Sid Caesar takes Jack's place behind the podium. He looks around, his crazy eyes taking everything in.
     "Mr. Chancellor!" he says, a bit too loud. "I would like to say that, despite what everybody think, you're not obnoxious like so many other people. You're obnoxious in new and different ways. While your students might think that you have a stick up your ass, let me correct that misperception. It's not a stick. The space aliens just forgot to remove their anal probe."
     George Burns takes a long time to make his way to the podium after Sid Caesar. A loooong time. Man, that old guy moves so slow it looks like he's moving backward. He slowly turns his head one way, then he slowly turns his head the other way. That's probably the most exercise he's gotten all week.
     "Ah..." he says, a big cigar between his fingers. He moves the cigar to his mouth, but before he can take a puff, he moves it back down. "Ah..." He turns to the chancellor. "Do you want me to accept your graduating class as they are, or do you want me to like them?" To us, he says, "Your chancellor is a modest man, and, believe me, he has much to be modest about. He could be described as charming, intelligent, and witty, and who knows, perhaps one day he will be."
     Bob Hope took time off from entertaining the troops and takes his place behind the podium with a big smile. As he passes the chancellor, he hands him something.
     "Here's twenty cents," we overhear him say. "Call all your friends and bring me back the change." To us, he says, "I love your chancellor. He's a difficult man to forget, but it's well worth the effort. He's a fine example for you, his students. He started out with nothing, and, to this day, he still has most of it. He's a man of many hidden talents. As soon as anybody can find one, we'll let you know what it is."
     Don Rickles is next on the stage.
     "Good evening, ladies and germs," he says, smiling like a snake about to devour a rat. "I don't know why everybody is insulting the chancellor. He's a fine, fine man. Why, his own father looks at him as the son he never had. Do you know what he uses for contraception? His face. I hear the only place he's ever been invited is outside." Like the other comedians, Mr. Rickles addresses our chancellor personally. "I know you're a self-made man, Mr. Chancellor. It's so nice of you to take the blame." And, like the other comedians, he turns back to us. "His wife told me that he brought religion into her life. She never knew what Hell was... until she married him. Speaking of his wife, she's so easy that the college faculty affectionately calls her 'Doorknob.' Everybody gets a turn.'"
     While the Marx Brothers were scheduled to show up, only Groucho does. Chico and Harpo had something else to do, like decompose. He raises and lowers his eyebrows several times, and wiggles his cigar in his hand.
     "Let me just say that I respect the chancellor," he tells us. "In fact, I respect the dead. And the only way I could respect the chancellor more, is if he were dead." With this, he, too, turns to the chancellor. "You know, I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters." He turns back to us. "I thought about you people all day yesterday. Yesterday, I was at the zoo. Speaking of the zoo, last night I shot an elephant in my pajamas. What he was doing in my pajamas, I'll never know."
     Next up are The Three Stooges, but Larry, Curly, and Moe only spend the whole time hitting each other, so Abbott & Costello take their place.
     "You know, Lou," Abbott tells Costello, "I like your approach, now let's see your departure."
     "Aw, gee, Bud," Costello tells Abbott, "I used to think you were a pain in the neck. Now I have a much lower opinion of you."
     "Did you say something, Lou? I don't mind you talking, if you don't mind my not listening."
     "I said I'd like to give you a going-away present, Bud, but first you have to do your part."
     And then they turn to us and say, "We'd like to leave all of you with one thought, but, since you're graduating from UTEP, we're not sure you have a place to put it."
     Jeffrey Ross was quick to take the stage again. This graduation was sucking so much, Paris Hilton felt left out.
     "And now, ladies and germs," he says, "the comedian you've all been waiting for. She's the Queen of Mean. She's the Wicked Witch of the West Coast! She's the Girl Next Door--if you happen to live next door to Overeaters Anonymous! LISA LAMPANELLI!"
     Lisa energetically waddles onto the stage like a walrus on crack.
     "I'd like to thank the chancellor for allowing me to make an appearance here today. The chancellor is so ugly that, when he masturbates, his hand throws up. He's so hairy, he looks like Chewbacca's butt. He loves to play Xbox because that's the only box he can get into. I bet you don't know this about your chancellor, but he's always been ahead of his time. He was the first man to take Viagra and wash it down with prune juice. that's why he doesn't know if he's coming or going. But enough about the chancellor. As I look around, I see the three vice-chancellors he brought along with him. I don't want to say they went into teaching because they're pedophiles, but they shop at K-Mart because they keep hearing little boy's pants are half-off. Oh, I also see the senior faculty is here, all dressed in their orange and blue school colors. What are you losers doing here? Was Hooter's closed? Oh, and there's the teaching staff. I don't know what's worse, fellas, the education you give your students or the smell of your feet. Hey, everybody, it's Professor Collins! Is that a toupee on your head, sir, or a sick ferret? And nice teeth. Are they yours, or did you bump into a piano?  It's amazing how you can be so old, and yet still addicted to drugs... stool softeners. Now where's this Kate Kavanagh I hear so much about? The student body knows who I'm talking about, but they probably know her from her nickname 'Elevator.' She got it because if you press a button, she'll go down. I hear her butt is so big, when she goes to the beach the tide comes in. I hear no one wanted to go with her to Homecoming, so she took her brother. Hey, at least he got laid. And what's up with her breast implants? She's been inflated more times than Jose's prom date. Speaking of Jose, doesn't he look like Rocky? I'm talking about the character from the movie Mask. The last time I saw a face like his, it was carrying a bone in its mouth. Which reminds me, he's gay, isn't he? He took an AIDs test and got a 55. Settle down, settle down everybody. Don't embarrass yourselves in front of our special guest, Mr. Christian Grey, the billionaire sex predator. What can you say about Christian Grey that hasn't already been said by the women in the Witness Protection Program? Don't worry, Christian, I'm sure that 666 on your scalp is just an unfortunate birthmark. An interesting fact about Mr. Grey, is he's a member of PETA, People who Eat and Torture Animals. I'm not saying he's a dangerous man, but his blood type is O-shit. I hear he thinks the best part about meth is that it keeps the price of prostitution down. And, finally, YOU... the graduating class of the University of Texas at El Paso. Are you really the graduates or the children of the Octo-mom. I look at all of you and I can see that you don't know the meaning of the word 'fear.' In fact, you look like you don't know the meaning of most words. Your brains are proof that nature does not abhor a vacuum. I'm kidding, I'm kidding. As a graduating class, you're not as bad as people say... you're worse! Thank you, and don't forget to tip your waitresses!"
Fifty Shades of Funny

Thursday, October 16, 2014

Fifty Shades of Parody (Chapter 14c)

There's a knock at my front door. I look out the peephole. Great googly-moogly, it's Ray! My step-father! The man who's sacrificed so much for me.
     I quietly sneak out the window.
Fifty Shades of Funny

Monday, October 13, 2014

Fifty Shades of Parody (Chapter 14b)

I awake with a shock. That's the last time I fall asleep in the bathtub with a toaster.
     Wow... morning already.
     "What time is it?" I ask my Hello Kitty alarm clock. Not having a mouth, it doesn't answer, so I look to see where the little and big hands are pointing. I quickly do the math. Hmmm, carry the one... it's eight o'clock.
     Eight o'clock? Times a-wasting!
     I run into the bathroom for my morning constitutional. My tummy is rumbling, just a tad upset. I can't take care of business, however, because there's a man working on the plumbing. A Mexican man. Must be that cousin of Jose's from Mexico who's... um... visiting. He said he would send him over to fix our toilet.
     "Oh, excuse me," I tell him. "Are you working on the plumbing?"
     "Si," he tells me.
     This toilet had always given us trouble. That's one of the reasons we're moving.
     "I guess Jose sent you."
     "Are you his cousin?"
     "My name's Ana. What's yours?"
     "Do you speak English, Sy?"
     "Sy, I really have to use the bathroom."
     "Are you saying I can't use it?"
     This place drives me nuts. The toilet has never worked properly, and now I have to use the bathroom and I can't. It has to be fixed before we can move out or we'll lose our deposit, but why should we pay for something to be fixed that was already broken to begin with? We couldn't afford to hire a real plumber, so Jose said he'd get one of his relatives to do the job.
     "A cousin of mine," Jose told me. "He works real cheap."
     "Real cheap?"
     I vent all my frustrations to my captive audience. He listens patiently. I tell him that we--Kate and I--feel we're owed some kind of monetary settlement for all the pain and suffering we've been through.
     "So what do you think we should do?" I ask him finally.
     "That's good advice, Sy."
     "By the way, thanks for coming by on such short notice. Jose says you work cheap."
     "So... how much are you going to charge us?"
     "A hundred bucks."
     I'm discombobulated and just plain bobulated. I excuse myself and head back to bed.
     I'm so confused. Do I really have that final exam to take? Or was all that nonsense just a dream? I guess there's only one way to find out. I get back up and put on the first thing I find: Christian's jacket. That's sure to not draw suspicion from my nosy roommate. Speaking of whom...
     Kate is in the kitchen when I stagger in like Frankenstein's monster. I'm not what you would call a morning person. Kate, as usual, looks beautiful. When I first met her our freshman year at UTEP, she was rather plain looking. And then she had a drawing of a beautiful face tattooed over her plain one. It was a gift from her father. What a difference it made. She went from looking like King Kong to Fay Wray.
     "Well," she says when she sees me, "look who's up. You look like something the cat dragged in. And ate. And puked up on the floor."
     That Kate. She's such a kidder.
     We don't have a cat.
     "Thanks," I say, "and your tattoo looks as beautiful as ever."
     "Well, you know what I always say."
     "I was hoping you'd know, because I can never remember." She squints her eyes and takes a closer look at me. "Oh my goodness... is that Christian's jacket you're wearing?"
     I thought she'd never notice.
     "This old thing?" I mock. "I've had this Armani bathrobe for years."
     "Tell me, tell me, tell me," She says, apparently wanting me to tell her something. "Did you sleep with him?"
     "Not a wink," I assure her.
     She seems satisfied with that and begins to talk. Man, she has a lot to say.
     I head to the refrigerator and begin to make myself my morning concoction. I take some low-fat milk, mix it with honey, add some Chia seeds and stir vigorously. It's a nutritious drink designed to give me plenty of energy for the day. After I make it, I immediately pour it into the toilet, cutting out the middle-man. I'm on my third helping of whale blubber before I notice Kate is wrapping it up.
     "And that's the story of the man from Nantucket," she finishes. "Now tell me all about your date, Ana. Did Christian wonder where I was?"
     "Did he wonder who I was with?"
     "Did he wonder where I was and who I was with?"
     "Kate, I keep telling you" I say, telling her, "I really don't want to talk about it, and that's not because of any contract I may or may not have signed that legally requires me by law to keep mum."
     "Isn't there anything you can tell me?"
     "Well, he doesn't like Wanda."
     "He doesn't? I can't believe that. Who's Wanda?"
     "I don't know. Like you, I wasn't paying attention to the last chapter."
     "Well..." she starts and then tapers off with nothing to say.
     "Well..." I begin, trying to think of some other stuff to fill up this chapter. I get a sudden burst of inspiration. It was the bean burrito I had from Taco Bell on my way home last night.
     She lifts two fingers to her nose and squeezes her nostrils shut.
     "You want to listen to my valedictorian speech?" she squeaks.
     Before I can even say yes, she's already running out of the room. Wow, she must really be anxious to have me listen to her speech.
     While she's gone, I take the opportunity to think about that dream I had last night, about the contract Christian Grey wants me to sign, and about that bean burrito I had at Taco Bell. That dream must have had some deeper meaning, but as for what that deeper meaning is, I don't understand.
     The thing I remember most about last night's dream is Christian flying a 747 into the Grand Canyon. A big, long, hard object going into a giant gaping hole. Even though a 747 is huge, in the dream, once it was inside the canyon the plane looked so small and the hole so big. Surely that must mean something. but I can't make the connection.
     My inner goddess shows up smoking a cigarette. She has dark bags under her eyes.
     "Where've you been?" I ask her.
     "Mind your own business," she tells me.
     Just then, Kate rushes back in with a copy of her speech in one hand and a book of matches in the other. Unfortunately for her, I just had another inspiration, so she keeps moving on out the door.
     "I'll see you at the graduation," she yells on her way out.
     I'd answer, but I'm in the middle of another inspiration.
Fifty Shades of Parody