The comedian and host of the whole graduation/comedy roast, Jeffrey Ross, takes the stage at exactly 11:00am. The chancellor walks in just behind him and makes him give it back.
"Good afternoon," the Roastmaster General says, "we're here to celebrate UTEP's graduating class of who-the-heck-cares?"
He waits for a healthy chuckle from the audience, and then continues.
"Joining me at the podium will be Milton Berle, Buddy Hackett, Jack Benny, Sid Ceasar, Geroge Burns of Burns & Allen, Bob Hope of Bob & Hope, Don Rickles, the Marx brothers, the Three Stooges, Abbott & Costello of Abbott & Costello, and Lisa Lampanelli."
There is polite applause at the mention of each name, but the crowd really erupts at the mention of Lisa Lampanelli. Jeffrey Ross holds up his hand to calm us down. Who's this Lisa Lampanelli everybody is getting so excited over? I look at her. She looks like a million dollars... all green and crumpled.
"First up, it is my honor to introduce to you... Milton Berle!"
The crowd lets out an enthusiastic snore as Mr. Television takes the stage.
"Good evening, ladies and germs," Milton says getting up from his wheelchair. "I don't want to brag, but those rumors you've heard about the size of my penis are all true. My penis is so big that. like you, it graduated from college..."
We applaud enthusiastically at this.
"...a year before I did!"
After Milton Berle gets done bragging about the size of his equipment, Buddy Hackett takes the stage.
"Good evening, ladies and germs," he says. "I'd like to thank the chancellor for his kind invitation." At this, he turns to the chancellor. "Thank you, Mr. Chancellor. Any similarity between you and a human being is simply coincidental."
Buddy Hackett steps down and Jack Benny gets up.
"It's lovely to be here," he begins. "Really lovely. As I look at the chancellor, I can't help but think that some town somewhere is missing its idiot." He turns to address the chancellor personally. "Are you the first one in your family to be born without a tail? I thought so."
Jack Benny steps down, having gotten some pretty good laughs, but no one still knows who he is.
Sid Caesar takes Jack's place behind the podium. He looks around, his crazy eyes taking everything in.
"Mr. Chancellor!" he says, a bit too loud. "I would like to say that, despite what everybody think, you're not obnoxious like so many other people. You're obnoxious in new and different ways. While your students might think that you have a stick up your ass, let me correct that misperception. It's not a stick. The space aliens just forgot to remove their anal probe."
George Burns takes a long time to make his way to the podium after Sid Caesar. A loooong time. Man, that old guy moves so slow it looks like he's moving backward. He slowly turns his head one way, then he slowly turns his head the other way. That's probably the most exercise he's gotten all week.
"Ah..." he says, a big cigar between his fingers. He moves the cigar to his mouth, but before he can take a puff, he moves it back down. "Ah..." He turns to the chancellor. "Do you want me to accept your graduating class as they are, or do you want me to like them?" To us, he says, "Your chancellor is a modest man, and, believe me, he has much to be modest about. He could be described as charming, intelligent, and witty, and who knows, perhaps one day he will be."
Bob Hope took time off from entertaining the troops and takes his place behind the podium with a big smile. As he passes the chancellor, he hands him something.
"Here's twenty cents," we overhear him say. "Call all your friends and bring me back the change." To us, he says, "I love your chancellor. He's a difficult man to forget, but it's well worth the effort. He's a fine example for you, his students. He started out with nothing, and, to this day, he still has most of it. He's a man of many hidden talents. As soon as anybody can find one, we'll let you know what it is."
Don Rickles is next on the stage.
"Good evening, ladies and germs," he says, smiling like a snake about to devour a rat. "I don't know why everybody is insulting the chancellor. He's a fine, fine man. Why, his own father looks at him as the son he never had. Do you know what he uses for contraception? His face. I hear the only place he's ever been invited is outside." Like the other comedians, Mr. Rickles addresses our chancellor personally. "I know you're a self-made man, Mr. Chancellor. It's so nice of you to take the blame." And, like the other comedians, he turns back to us. "His wife told me that he brought religion into her life. She never knew what Hell was... until she married him. Speaking of his wife, she's so easy that the college faculty affectionately calls her 'Doorknob.' Everybody gets a turn.'"
While the Marx Brothers were scheduled to show up, only Groucho does. Chico and Harpo had something else to do, like decompose. He raises and lowers his eyebrows several times, and wiggles his cigar in his hand.
"Let me just say that I respect the chancellor," he tells us. "In fact, I respect the dead. And the only way I could respect the chancellor more, is if he were dead." With this, he, too, turns to the chancellor. "You know, I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters." He turns back to us. "I thought about you people all day yesterday. Yesterday, I was at the zoo. Speaking of the zoo, last night I shot an elephant in my pajamas. What he was doing in my pajamas, I'll never know."
Next up are The Three Stooges, but Larry, Curly, and Moe only spend the whole time hitting each other, so Abbott & Costello take their place.
"You know, Lou," Abbott tells Costello, "I like your approach, now let's see your departure."
"Aw, gee, Bud," Costello tells Abbott, "I used to think you were a pain in the neck. Now I have a much lower opinion of you."
"Did you say something, Lou? I don't mind you talking, if you don't mind my not listening."
"I said I'd like to give you a going-away present, Bud, but first you have to do your part."
And then they turn to us and say, "We'd like to leave all of you with one thought, but, since you're graduating from UTEP, we're not sure you have a place to put it."
Jeffrey Ross was quick to take the stage again. This graduation was sucking so much, Paris Hilton felt left out.
"And now, ladies and germs," he says, "the comedian you've all been waiting for. She's the Queen of Mean. She's the Wicked Witch of the West Coast! She's the Girl Next Door--if you happen to live next door to Overeaters Anonymous! LISA LAMPANELLI!"
Lisa energetically waddles onto the stage like a walrus on crack.
"I'd like to thank the chancellor for allowing me to make an appearance here today. The chancellor is so ugly that, when he masturbates, his hand throws up. He's so hairy, he looks like Chewbacca's butt. He loves to play Xbox because that's the only box he can get into. I bet you don't know this about your chancellor, but he's always been ahead of his time. He was the first man to take Viagra and wash it down with prune juice. that's why he doesn't know if he's coming or going. But enough about the chancellor. As I look around, I see the three vice-chancellors he brought along with him. I don't want to say they went into teaching because they're pedophiles, but they shop at K-Mart because they keep hearing little boy's pants are half-off. Oh, I also see the senior faculty is here, all dressed in their orange and blue school colors. What are you losers doing here? Was Hooter's closed? Oh, and there's the teaching staff. I don't know what's worse, fellas, the education you give your students or the smell of your feet. Hey, everybody, it's Professor Collins! Is that a toupee on your head, sir, or a sick ferret? And nice teeth. Are they yours, or did you bump into a piano? It's amazing how you can be so old, and yet still addicted to drugs... stool softeners. Now where's this Kate Kavanagh I hear so much about? The student body knows who I'm talking about, but they probably know her from her nickname 'Elevator.' She got it because if you press a button, she'll go down. I hear her butt is so big, when she goes to the beach the tide comes in. I hear no one wanted to go with her to Homecoming, so she took her brother. Hey, at least he got laid. And what's up with her breast implants? She's been inflated more times than Jose's prom date. Speaking of Jose, doesn't he look like Rocky? I'm talking about the character from the movie Mask. The last time I saw a face like his, it was carrying a bone in its mouth. Which reminds me, he's gay, isn't he? He took an AIDs test and got a 55. Settle down, settle down everybody. Don't embarrass yourselves in front of our special guest, Mr. Christian Grey, the billionaire sex predator. What can you say about Christian Grey that hasn't already been said by the women in the Witness Protection Program? Don't worry, Christian, I'm sure that 666 on your scalp is just an unfortunate birthmark. An interesting fact about Mr. Grey, is he's a member of PETA, People who Eat and Torture Animals. I'm not saying he's a dangerous man, but his blood type is O-shit. I hear he thinks the best part about meth is that it keeps the price of prostitution down. And, finally, YOU... the graduating class of the University of Texas at El Paso. Are you really the graduates or the children of the Octo-mom. I look at all of you and I can see that you don't know the meaning of the word 'fear.' In fact, you look like you don't know the meaning of most words. Your brains are proof that nature does not abhor a vacuum. I'm kidding, I'm kidding. As a graduating class, you're not as bad as people say... you're worse! Thank you, and don't forget to tip your waitresses!"
Fifty Shades of Funny