Monday, May 25, 2015

Fifty Shades of Parody (Chapter 19a)

"Wake up, sleepyhead," Christian nudges. "We have to leave in half an hour."
     Wake up?
     Ah, jeez. And I was having the nicest dream. I was dreaming that I was asleep, so I was getting twice the rest.
     "Leave?" I ask Christian, my eyes boogery. "But I just got here."
     "I know, but we're having dinner with my parents. Didn't I tell you?"
     "Um... no."
     "Well, we are. So get dressed and let's go."
     I put on the same clothes I showed up in, because that's the classy thing to do. If there's one thing I've learned from Christian, it's class.
     Hmm... now where are my edible panties? I seem to have misplaced them. I look over at Christian, and see him chewing on something. He looks up, seeing me seeing him.
     "What?" he says.
     "Um... nothing," I say.
     So I leave for Christian's parent's house sans banans.
     Crockett pulls up in a large Audi. Christian opens the rear door for me, and, as I climb in, he playfully whacks me on the rump with his spatula.
     "That's too much pork for just one fork, my dear," he compliments, and then climbs in behind me. "So tell me, my dear, if you weren't with me tonight, where would you be?"
     "I'd probably be at a sport's bar," I tell him.
     "I didn't know you were into sports."
     "I'm not. I'm into high-fiving."
     "It seems that's another thing you and I have in common, Miss Steele. Personally, I like sports as much as the next guy, as long as the next guy doesn't like sports at all."
     I nod my head, because that's what I'm supposed to do.
     "When I was in school," he goes on, "my mother was always after me to play sports. 'Mumsie,' I told her, 'we're rich. Just buy me a trophy.' No, Ana, in school my true love was always science."
     "Really?" I ask, because that's what I'm supposed to ask. "And who's your favorite scientist?"
     I really don't care, but I have to pretend some interest. I wouldn't know one scientist from another. If you took all the scientists in the world and laid them end to end, I wouldn't be surprised. No, wait a minute, I'm thinking about porn actresses.
     Christian thinks a bit, and then he answers.
     "Well, I like John Wheeler. He coined the term 'black hole' to describe a collapsed star with an intense gravitational field, and was the lead singer of the rock group Steelers Wheel, who sang 'Stuck In the Middle With You,' which was featured in the movie Reservoir Dogs, but I'd have to say my favorite scientist is James Watt."
     "James who?"
     "No, James Watt."
     "I don't know."
     "What don't you know?"
     "That's right."
     "What's right?"
     "Are we talking about the same thing, dear?"
     "That depends on what we're talking about."
     "We're talking about Watt."
     "That's what I'm asking you."
     "James Watt."
     "James who?"
     "Not James Hu, James Watt."
     "I don't know what."
     "Watt invented the radio."
     "Not Hu. Watt."
     "I just told you, I don't know what."
     "You don't know Watt?"
     "I don't even know who."
     "Not Hu. Watt."
     "Not what. Who."
     "James Watt."
     "Why do you keep asking me that? I don't know what."
     "Watt invented the radio."
     "Who invented the radio?"
     "Not Hu. Watt."
     "I know what, but I don't know who?"
     "Not Hu, Watt. James Watt."
     When we finally arrive at Christian's parent's house, I still don't know what the heck we're talking about. Crockett stops, parks, and walks around the front end of the car to open the door for us. How he does this without getting out first is beyond me.
     "Crockett," Christian tells him, "the radio reception was a bit static-y. Could you please check on your antenna?"
     "I don't have an Aunt Tina," Crockett informs Christian.
     I squeeze out of the back seat, and turn to take Christian's hand to help him out of the car, but--osh kosh b'gosh!--he's not there!
Fifty Shades of Parody

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