Friday, August 28, 2020

The Week In Tweets: Special Republican National Convention Edition!

 Fake News Reports!
 
In Last Saturday's Unofficial Prelude To The Republican National Convention, The White House Unveiled Its Newly Renovated Rose Garden!
"We needed additional space to bury Putin's enemies," a spokesman for the president explained.

"I Humbly Accept The Great Honor You Bestow Upon Me Of Being Your Party's Presidential Nominee," A Grateful Donald Trump Says!
"The convention doesn't begin until Monday," an RNC official informs him.
"Junior, execute that man," the president orders.

The Trump Campaign Has Released Its List Of Republican National Convention Speakers!
I'm not on it.
Or even allowed in the building.
Um... can anyone tell me what a "restraining order" is?

This Just In!
Kim Jong-Un Fakes Being In A Coma Just To Get Out Of Speaking At The Republican National Convention!

Monday's RNC Speaking Schedule:
Pledge of Allegiance-President Trump
Prayer-President Trump
Welcome-President Trump
Guest Speaker-President Trump
Nomination-President Trump
Acceptance-President Trump
Ending Remarks-President Trump
Closing Prayer-President Trump

An Energetic President Trump Makes A Surprise Appearance At The Republican National Convention And, In An Impromptu Speech, Addresses The Delegates!
"Ask yourself, are you better off today than you were four years ago?" ...pause... "Let me rephrase that."

Republicans Select Donald Trump As The GOP Presidential Nominee On The First Day Of Their National Convention!
Wow!
Was I the only one who didn't see that coming?

On The Third Night Of The Republican National Convention, Mike Pence Accepted His Party's Vice-Presidential Nomination!
"One more successful election," he said, speaking from Fort McHenry in Baltimore, "and I'll earn my soul back from Satan."

In The Concluding Day Of The Republican National Convention, A Majestic-Looking Donald Trump Accepts His Party's Nomination To Be King!
You mean president.
If you say so.

@JimDuchene Changes Course After Discovering Criticizing President Trump Gets Him More Likes!
  
Jim Duchene
Fake News Chief Correspondent


American Chimpanzee
JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com
RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com
@JimDuchene
  

Friday, August 21, 2020

The Week In Tweets: Special Democratic National Convention Edition!

 Fake News Reports!
 
The Democratic National Convention Formally Selects Joe Biden As Their Presidential Nominee!
"I'll have the blue Jello," the former Vice-President accepts, humbly.

Holding Their Convention Virtually This Year Due To Coronavirus Concerns, Democrats Select Joe Biden As Their Presidential Nominee!
"I'm not wearing any pants," a robust Joe Biden Solemnly promises the American people over a live video stream.

After Almost Four Years, The Bipartisan Senate Intelligence Committee Finally Releases Its Final Report In Its Trump/Russia Investigation Of The 2016 Presidential Campaign.
"We ain't got shit," they conclude.

Fake News Presents This Important Guide To Mail-In Voting:
1) Check box marked "Democrat" and mail it in.
2) If you are unable to complete Step 1, drop your ballot off at the nearest Democratic office where one of our helpful staffers will gladly do it for you.

At yesterday's Democratic Convention, Joe Biden Officially Accepted His Party's Nomination!
"I haven't been this happy since they asked me to repeat the 3rd Grade," he gushes.

"This is a shitty country and you are a shitty people," DNC speakers all concurred. "Shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, SHITTY!"
  
BREAKING: According To An Unnamed Source, A Desperate To Stay In Office President Trump Allegedly Starts Massive California Wildfires In A Pathetic Attempt To Disenfranchise Voters Of Color!

In A Recent Article, The Los Angeles Times Says There Are Things You Should Know About Kamal Harris' Husband Doug Emhoff:
1) He's not worth taking his last name in marriage, and
2) He's no Willie Brown.
  
Jim Duchene
Fake News Chief Correspondent


American Chimpanzee
JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com
RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com
@JimDuchene
  

Tuesday, August 18, 2020

The Week In Tweets: Special I Sing Songs Edition!

 Fake News Reports!
  
Getting drunk is like loving the wrong man...
You end up crying, wondering where you went wrong.
  
I believe in reincarnation.
I've believed that ever since I was a little puppy.
  
According To CNN, Over 500 Mail Sorting Machines Are Being Taken Out Of Service By The Post Office!
"In the upcoming presidential election," a USPS spokesman explained, "we want something we can blame for screwing up the mail-in voting."
  
Miley Cyrus!
Naked!
AGAIN!
  
Taylor Swift Speaks Out Against President Trump's "Calculated Dismantling Of The USPS"!
"...and you know I know what I'm talking about because I sing songs."
  
Fake News Special Report:
How do you live to be a hundred?
You don't!
  
Republican John Kasich Endorses Joe Biden At Last Night's Democratic National Convention!
"And it's not because Trump kicked my ass when I ran for president back in 2016," the former Ohio Governor clarifies.
  
At Today's Democratic National Convention, Bernie Sanders Urged His Supporters To Vote For Joe Biden Because The "Future Of Democracy Is At Stake"!
"...and, by democracy, of course I mean socialism."
  
Fake News Reporters And Fact-Checkers Assure The American Public That Ballot Drop Boxes Are A Safe And Common U.S. Voting Method!
So common, in fact, that I've never seen one before in my life.
  
Thousands Attend A Pool Party In Wuhan, The Ground Zero Of COVID-19!
In A Related Story: Thousands die in a freak water park accident in China.
This Just In: Chinese President Xi Jinping proudly announces a drop in Coronavirus cases that's "in the thousands."
  
  
 American Chimpanzee
JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com
RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com
@JimDuchene
  

Sunday, August 16, 2020

The Week In Tweets: Special Yours & Ours Edition!

Fake News Reports!
  
Nancy Pelosi, Chuck Schumer, And Adam Schiff Promise To Possibly Reveal The Secret Evidence They Have Concerning The Role President Trump May Have Played In The Recent Massive Explosion In Beirut!
  
In A Fast Company Interview, Ryan Reynolds Admits That He And Blake Lively Deeply Regret Having Had A "Plantation" Wedding!
Don't worry about it, Ryan.
You're not that important.
  
I'm not saying my mother-in-law is wrinkled, but her face looks like MapQuest.
  
These days, isn't it odd that some people put their dogs in a baby-stroller and their babies on a leash?
  
According To Hollywood's Premier Entertainment Newspaper Variety, THESE Are Robert Pattinson's 10 Best Movie Performances:
10)
9)
8)
7)
6)
5)
4)
3)
2)
1)
  
Future News Reports:
In the future, dead people being stored in cryogenic chambers will be reanimated to serve in our zombie armies.
    
The DNC Has Just Released Its Line-Up Of Convention Speakers!
The Obamas, the Clintons, Bernie Sanders, Kamala Harris, AOC, Jill Biden...
Hey!
What about Joe?
"You hold YOUR convention and we'll hold OURS," the man behind the curtain says.
  
Joe Biden locks the keys in his Corvette. Using a wire hanger, he tries to pop the lock, but can't. Hours pass. Taking a break, he looks up and sees storm clouds gathering.
"Of all the days to leave my top down," he grumbles.
  
Nancy Pelosi locks the keys in her Mercedes and she's unable to open the door.
"Oh, my," she says. "I guess it's time for the American taxpayer to buy me another one."
  
  President Trump locks the keys to his Celebrity Edition Rolls Royce.
Laughing, chuck Schumer and Adam Schiff both taunt him, "What are you gonna do now?"
Pulling the spare keys from his front pant pocket, Trump tells them, "Use these."
  
  
 American Chimpanzee
JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com
RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com
@JimDuchene
  

Wednesday, August 5, 2020

The Week In Tweets: Special Defending The Undefendable Edition!

Fake News Reports!
  
Six Word Horror Story:
No pizza and beer in Hell.
  
"Hydroxychloroquine Is Not An Effective Treatment For COVID-19," Declares The FDA!
"Hydroxychloroquine saved my life," says Michigan Congresswoman Karen Whitsett, a Democrat from Detroit.
"Don't confuse us with facts," the FDA replies.
  
My new job lets me pick up a lot of women.
I'm an Uber driver.
  
A Fake News Special Report:
How we've gone from Rosie the Riveter to Rosie the Rioter!
  
I'm so full I can't eat another bite.
That's a sentence I've never said before.
  
Katy Perry Defends Her Friend Ellen DeGeneres From Accusations Of Being Toxic And Mean To Her Underlings!
"I have only... had positive takeaways... with Ellen," the music superstar affirms.
Did you, as a rich celebrity, ever work for her?
"No."
Exactly.
  
Can You Believe It?
It's less than three months until the presidential election and the Democratic Party STILL hasn't told Joe Biden who he's picked for vice-president.
  
  Presidential Wannabe Joe Biden Confirms He's Ready To Tear President Trump A New One And Agrees To THREE Debates!
"...just as long as I don't have to be there."
  
Nancy Pelosi, Chuck Schumer, And Adam Schiff Continue To Claim To Have Evidence That President Trump Did Nothing To Stop The Massive Destruction Caused By Hurricane Isaias Despite His Having Had Plenty Of Advance Warning!
  
Six Word Horror Story:
I never gave up on love.
  
  
 American Chimpanzee
JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com
RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com
@JimDuchene
  

Saturday, August 1, 2020

Mean Old Me

as featured in Desert Exposure Magazine
desertexposure.com
  
A few baseball seasons back, I was in my den reading the newspaper, shaking my head at Dear Abby, and enjoying a hot cup of gourmet coffee.
   I was listening to my TV’s Blues channel. They were playing Mean Old World, one of my favorite songs. Maybe I like the song so much because I like the title so much. This old world can be pretty mean. You only have to keep up with current events to realize that. This version was by Little Walter and His Night Cats. I prefer T-Bone Walker’s. Maybe I just prefer the name T-Bone.
     In a way, the Blues have ruined my appreciation for Rock & Roll. When I first heard certain artists, I thought they were geniuses. Forty years later, when I widened my taste in music to include the likes of Buddy Guy or Z.Z. Hill (Z.Z. Hill. ZZ Top. See the connection?), I realized everything I loved about Rock & Roll was stolen from Blues musicians, but that's neither here nor there. The point is I was enjoying some quiet time.
    The song changed to one I didn't recognize. The singer sounded drunk, as if Richard Pryor's old wino character was given a guitar and told to earn his next bottle of Thunderbird. I went from Dear Abby to the comic section. That's when my father walked into the den. 
     "Hi, pop," I said, but kept my head down. I had already said hello to him that morning, not that I count how many times I say hello to him on any given day. I understand when celebrities like Ellen DeGeneres or Steve Harvey tell their employees not to make eye contact with them. If you waste time with losers, you won’t have time for important things, like promoting a false image to the general public. 
     My father mumbled something. I kept reading. I know that sounds mean, but I've learned when he wants me to acknowledge something, he'll speak up. 
     He mumbled again, this time louder. Walked over to the TV set. Stood in front of it, staring. I still didn’t look up. He knows I’ve got dibs on the TV, and I know he has a perfectly good television set in his guest house. He can watch what he wants whenever he wants, but what he usually wants is to watch this particular set. That drives me nuts. I don’t hog his TV. Why does he hog mine?
     "Isn't there a game today?" my father said, finally speaking up.
     Quite clearly, I might add.
     I stayed quiet, but not in a mean way. More like a Clint-Eastwood-when-he's-not-talking-to-a-chair kind of way. I know there's a game today. He knows there's a game today. Even Clint Eastwood's chair knows there's a game today. We have so many baseball channels, even if there wasn't a game there would still be a game. 
     "Isn't there a game today?" my father asked again, this time turning to look at me. He wanted to make sure I heard. I made the mistake of glancing up. Our eyes locked. I couldn’t pretend I didn't hear him.
     "Did you say something?" I said, pretending anyway. 
     “Isn’t there a game on?”
     "I don't think so," I told him. 
     He didn’t buy it.
     "I think there is."
     "You sure?"
     "Pretty sure. Cleveland." 
     Cleveland's his favorite team.
     "If you say so," I said.
     "I knew it! I knew there was a game."
     If he knew there was a game, then why was he asking me? We were at a stalemate, of sorts. He wasn’t asking if he could watch the game, and I wasn’t offering to let him. If my wife were there, he'd already be reclining in front of the TV, snacking on champagne and caviar. 
     Unfortunately for him, she wasn’t. 
     Mumble, mumble. 
     I ignored him.
     Mumble, mumble. 
     I looked up. Dang! Our eyes locked again. 
     "Did you say something?"
     "The game," he said.
     "You sure it's today?"
     "Pretty sure."
     Another stalemate. He stood there, looking at me. Tampa Red started singing When Things Go Wrong With You (It Hurts Me, Too). 
     I no longer had the heart to keep it up.
     "Sit down, pop," I finally said. "Let’s see if the game‘s on."
     He sat. Didn’t even say thank you. Instead he groused, not quite mumbling but not quite clearly, "Of course the game's on. I told you that already," and then confided to the chair next to him, "I know when the game's on."
     My father. 
     The new Clint Eastwood.
     I put on the Cleveland game. His favorite team was 100 games out of the playoffs, losing 20 out of the last 22. There was no hope for them that year. Their only hope was the next year, or the year after that.
     My father settled down in his favorite chair watching his favorite team on his favorite TV set. I went back to the comics and my now luke-warm coffee. Then it started...
     Smack! 
     I lifted my eyes.
     Smack, smack, SMACK! 
     My father has the nasty habit of smacking his lips whenever he watches TV. He smacks, he moans, he yawns, he sighs, he oohs and aahs, but what he mainly does is annoy me. I've tried, but I can't sit down with him to watch anything on TV, because his constant noises are so distracting.
     My wife insists I should try.
     "Why don’t you?" I tell her back.
     "He's not my father."
     It was worth a shot.
     Oh, well. Back to the story...
     "Ahhh... ohhh..." Big sigh. Followed by an even bigger SMACK! "Ohhh... ahhh..." Smack, smack, smack. Mumble, mumble. 
     I grabbed my coffee and left the den. I walked upstairs to watch TV in my bedroom. That TV doesn't have a converter to play music.
     It's a mean old world, indeed.
  
***************
Yell at me here:

The Week In Tweets: Special Written In Code Edition!

Fake News Reports!
  
The economy is so bad with this COVID-19 pandemic that I went to Five Guys for a burger, and now they're down to Two Guys.
  
People are so afraid of the Coronavirus that In-N-Out Burger has changed their name to Get Out.
  
Bloomberg Opinion Opines That The United States Isn't Ready For "Wars Of The Future"!
Um, would that be because we're not living in the future yet?
  
In A Move Away From China, Apple Begins Making Their iPhone 11 In Southern India!
"We like to spread our slave labor around," a spokesman explained magnanimously.
  
The Former Prince Harry And His Wife Meghan Are Suing Over Photos Allegedly Taken Of Their Son!
"We could use the money," a sheepish Harry explains.
  
Less Than A Hundred Days Until The Election And Presidential Wannabe Joe Biden Continues To Mull Over His Prospects For Vice-President!
"I am so screwed."
  
Dr. Anthony Fauci Has Gotten A Security Detail Assigned To Him Due To The Recent Death Threats He's Received!
C'mom, his first pitch wasn't that bad.
  
Oregon Governor Kate Brown Announces That Federal Troops Will Leave Portland, Oregon...
"...eventually."
  
Former Indiana Governor Joe Kernan, Who Was A Vietnam Prisoner Of War, Has Died At The Age Of 74!
Was he, um... you know?
No.
Then we're not interested.
  
Bill Gates On COVID-19 Testing & Schools Reopening: “01010111 01101000 01100001 01110100 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100101 00100000 01100110 01110101 01100011 01101011 00100000 01100100 01101111 00100000 01001001 00100000 01101011 01101110 01101111 01110111?”
  
  
 American Chimpanzee
JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com
RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com
@JimDuchene