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Everyday Annoyances

  After dinner, my granddaughter wanted to know what we were having for dessert. My wife, who’s not only beautiful but an excellent cook, hadn’t made dessert, so she informed her, “You don't always have to have dessert.” My granddaughter wasn't happy with that news. “Then why did I eat all my food?” she demanded to know. Yes, you could say my granddaughter has a way with words. The other day I caught her studying my face. I thought it was with love. That is, until she asked me, “When I grow up, are my ears gonna stick out like yours?” But it's not just my granddaughter. The rest of the world can come up with an occasional odd quip. For example, when my granddaughter and I were hitting all the local used bookstores, we stopped at a sandwich shop you would recognize the name of. I bought a footlong we were going to share. “Can you cut it in fourths?” I asked the professional sandwich maker before he wrapped it up. He seemed to be in his late teens. “Sorry,” he said, “but I’ve...
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Who's Bazooka Joe?

There's an old joke. I think I read it first in Bazooka Joe. A man answers the phone. "You don't say!" he says. "You Don't Say!" YOU DON'T SAY!" He hangs up the phone. "Who was it?" his wife asks. "He didn't say." Later, I saw it on Benny Hill. Anyway… My father answered the phone. This was back when we still had landlines. He's not one to gab, but he talked so much I began to wonder who he was talking to. "How ya doin'? I'm doing fine. How 'bout them Yankees? Blah, blah, blah…" I scooted a little closer, trying to get a bead on who he was talking to. You never know, it could have been someone out to cheat him out of my inheritance. Someone like my brother. Five minutes must have passed, which is a marathon for my father. He's not much of a talker. At least, not on the phone. Neither am I, for that matter. Now, five minutes might not seem like a long time, but try keeping your head underwater...
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STDs

The question even caught ME by surprise.      When you get back from vacation life goes back to normal no matter how long you've been away. There are groceries to buy, floors to mop, naps to take... and doctors to see. My granddaughter had to go to the eye doctor. My son had an appointment to see the foot doctor. I used to listen to Dr. Dean Edell on the radio and he once said that you don't want to have a woman's reproductive system before the age of fifty and you don't want to have a man's reproductive system after  the age of fifty. That was the kind of doctor my father had to see.      When my father and I were signing in at the front desk, the girl who was checking us in was asking him questions that he would also have to answer on the paperwork she was giving us to fill out. These days you have to answer the same questions four times: to the receptionist, in the paperwork, the doctor’s assistant, and finally to the doctor him- or herself when the...
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Feeling Sensitive

Before my mother passed away, I was having breakfast with her and my father. It was something I did every Saturday, join them for breakfast. In retrospect, I should have taken them both out for breakfast, but it never occurred to me.      I was starting to have problems in my first marriage, so I must have been feeling sensitive. I asked them, “What’s your secret to a long marriage?”      My mother looked sweetly at my father.      “I love him,” she said sweetly.      My father is not one to be sentimental, and that day was no different.      “How about you, pop?” I prodded.      “I love me, too,” he said.     
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Bread, Sugar, & Fried Foods

      Not only does my father come up with the occasional amusingly snide remark, my girls are also pretty snarky themselves. They always come up with an unintentionally witty quip that makes me laugh.      I’m trying to cut down on bread, sugar, and fried foods per my doctor’s orders, but it’s hard. My wife, who I love dearly, always takes the doctor’s side, so she’s adjusted her shopping habits so that everything in the kitchen is low-fat except for me.      “Why doesn’t healthy food keep you full?” I complained to her, chewing on a celery stick for a snack.      “You know what keeps ME full?” my granddaughter said. “ Candy! ”      As if I don’t have enough pennies weighing down the pockets of my jeans, my youngest daughter will also throw in her 2 cents of a more mature nature.       Before our trip to Mexico, I asked my doctor to prescribe something to nix any potential tummy ailment...
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And Now A Word From Our Sponsors

     For the two weeks my beautiful wife and I were in Mexico, things kept chugging along at home.     We kept calling to make sure the kiddies and grandkiddies were okay. I called my father, but, as I found out later, he kept his phone turned off the whole time we were gone.     “Why did you turn it off?” I asked him when I got back.     “I didn’t want to use up the battery,” he explained.     Besides being able to recharge the battery, I asked him, “But what if I was calling because of an emergency?”     “Oh, I would have turned it on for that,” he said.      The entire vacation, my wife’s cousin and her husband were always taking selfies with a selfie stick, and, since we were talking about phones, I made the mistake of telling him that.     “I’d like a selfie stick,” he told me.     “You would?”     My father, who’s not a fan of technology or fads (he doesn’t tell Alexa to ‘...
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We Interrupt Our Regularly Scheduled Programming...

I’ll continue telling you about my vacation adventures later, and maybe even tell you about my almost drowning in the middle of the ocean, but I figure you and I could use a little break.      Besides, life goes on.      When we got back from Mexico, my father’s hair looked a little shabby. It’s funny how our roles have switched. When I was in my teens and early twenties, my father was always after me to get a haircut. Now  I’m  the one who takes the other fussing and fighting to the barber shop. I call it a barber shop because my father refuses to go to a hair salon.      Myself, I keep my hair so short my wife can do it. In fact, she does. It began with my youngest daughter. She started cutting my hair around the age of 10. She only stopped when she got a real job, then my wife took over. Before that, I used to go to a cosmology school where haircuts were only two bucks, but they were given to you by students learning how to cut h...
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