American Chimpanzee

  as featured in Desert Exposure Magazine RaisingDad by Jim and Henry Duchene Four More Stories “not one to be chastised”   I had an 8 o’clock appointment.      It was on the other side of town, so I left early to avoid rush hour traffic. Too early, as it turned out, because I got there with a lot of time to kill. A LOT of time. Stopping at a local coffee shop, I asked for their Wi-Fi password.     "Buy something first," the owner told me.     I thought that was kind of blunt, but fair enough. After paying for my order, I laughed when I read the password on the receipt.  It said: "BuySomething1st!”     You see, my friends, technology is for the young.     I might have a smartphone, but I don't really know how to use it. If I do ten percent of what my phone is capable of, I'd be surprised.      The other day, I forgot my phone as I left the...

  Mama Says, Mama Says Mama says,  "Why these prices so high?" Mama says,  "Girl, you better eat all your food!" Mama says, "I'll rest when I die." Mama says, mama says, "Lord, why you so good?" Mama says, "Where's that report card you brought?" Mama says, "Girl, you'd better clean up your room!" Mama says, "I only know what I got." Mama says, mama says, "Lord, will you be calling me soon?" Mama says, "Where you going so late?" Mama says, "Girl, you better let me know where you are!" Mama says, "Them there's the Pearly Gates." Mama says, mama says, "Lord, I've traveled so far." Mama says, mama says.    

  as featured in Desert Exposure Magazine RaisingDad by Jim and Henry Duchene Four Stories “and one strict old coot”   My father was one strict old coot. My brothers and I had it tough growing up, but our sisters had it worse. When my older sister was going on her first date, my father wasn't about to let her stay out until all hours of the morning. When the boy came by to pick her up, my father made it clear that he wanted her back home before twelve, "and I'll be waiting to make sure that she is.” The kid was respectful. He recognized a potential kick in the behind when he saw one, but as soon as they were outside he asked my sister, "What happens at midnight? You turn into a pumpkin?" "No," my sister told him, "but you better have me home before twelve because you don't want to find out what my father turns into."  ************************ My elderly, pre-Alzheimer's father's memory is not so great. Neither is min...

 as featured in Desert Exposure Magazine RaisingDad by Jim and Henry Duchene Red Face Turning Redder “say hi to mom for me”   For a few minutes, I thought I was going to receive my inheritance, but before I tell you THAT story let me tell you this one:      When my beloved mother was still alive she and my father were watching their favorite soap opera, As The Stomach Turns or some such nonsense. She had made my father a nice chicken sandwich, and he was sitting there simultaneously eating his food and complaining about how stupid the characters were on the show.       "Don't talk while you're eating," my mother told him, mainly because she had served him poultry, not seafood.  ( SEE food. Get it?) My father was offended.      "I'm not talking while I'm..."      All of a sudden, he started choking on a piece of chicken.      "I warned...

  as featured in Desert Exposure Magazine RaisingDad by Jim and Henry Duchene Team Edward Vs The Common Cold “I Like The Dark”      Well, my father had been sick for several days.      We warned him, but he didn't listen ( The Sky Is Black! 1-23) . He continued on his walks. In the cold. In the wet. It didn't matter. We asked him not to. It mattered less. We  told  him not to, but he knows better. He  always  knows better. He was determined to walk his illness away. He thinks walking will help him live forever, but it just might be the death of him.       I was sitting in the den. All the lights were off. The drapes were closed. I like the dark. I guess that makes me Team Edward.       Google it.      I swear, my father must have a Chinese spy balloon somewhere inside our house, because he'll stay in his little in-law house at the front of our property until one of us, main...