American Chimpanzee

   au pair in quagmire clears scuttlebutt with squeegee ends rigamarole    "Wherever you go, there you are." from the movie The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension    song recommendation: Cruisin' by Smokey Robinson    The Big Tree    I am driving my father to visit an old military friend a few cities away. On our way there he decides he wants to visit relatives who live somewhere in between, so I make a little detour to accommodate him. It's no big deal. I know how to get there and I know the area. In fact, we’re almost there. "Are you lost?" he asks me. I continue to drive down the street I'm on. I say nothing. Between you and me, I'm on the right street. Out of the corner of my eye I see him looking out up and down the street. Side to side. His head on a swivel. "I think you're lost," he tells me, his eyes bugging out. "I don't recognize anything." One funny thing about my father that I've not...

  Hard Core Advice From Hard Core's Hardest Core... John Leslie! Dear John,      I am a senior in high school, and I have been dating "Brianna" for 10 months. She graduated last year and attends a community college, but really has no ambition to be or do anything. We spent last summer together, and I honestly fell head over heels for her.      Here's the problem: I have been accepted to a college that's out of town. It's always been my dream to go away to school, so I told Briana that it wouldn't be fair to either of us to stay together while I'm away, but that I want us to be together as much as possible until then. However, ever since I said this to Brianna things haven't been the same. She's begun cutting herself, and tells me if I leave she'll kill herself.      You see, Brianna's dad left when she was 12, and she's still crushed by it. She doesn't get along with her family, and tells me I'm al...

Every morning my father goes on his morning walk, rain or shine. Even the days he  doesn't  want to go, he'll go. Sometimes our conversations will go like this: "Man," he'll tell me, "I  really  don't feel like going on my walk this morning." "Why don't you take a break?" I'll ask him. "What?" "If you're not feeling good, why don't you give yourself a break?" "A break from what?" "From your walk." "From my what?" "From your walk." He'll pause. Think. Chew on the idea a bit. "Why would I want to do that?" he'll finally say. "I'm just saying, if you're not feeling good." "Who said I'm not feeling good?" "You told me that you didn't feel like going on your walk." "Yeah, but I didn't say I didn't feel good. I just said I didn't feel like going on my walk. That's not the same thing....

Hard Core Advice From Hard Core's Hardest Core... John Leslie!     Dear John,       My girlfriend and I are going through a very rough time after five years together, and we are now on an extended break.       I am trying hard to address my own issues through counseling, and one of those issues is dealing with being lied to. I can't stand it. I am a rather honest person, but my girlfriend is far from it. After being exposed to her little white lies for so long, I have become aggressively suspicious and controlling, and borderline paranoid. I am hoping to address this and learn to "let go," since the snooping, spying, and obsessive grilling of her for the truth is destructive.      I try to offer her opportunities to tell me the truth about things, but her first reaction is always to lie. It could be about something as innocuous as what she spent her time on in the evening, or it could be something ...

T he obdurate oaf embarked on an oleaginous odyssey ostentatiously wearing his orgulous expression like a hat he forgot was upside down.     “Potatoes make fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.”--anonymous    song recommendation: Mashed Potato Time by Dee Dee Sharp    Spud-Tacular!    My father’s a potato-loving guy. I don't mean that in a love-that-dares-not-speaks-its-name kind of way. He just loves potatoes. To eat them, if I still haven't made my point clear. In fact, my father likes potatoes so much you would think he was Irish. However, unlike the Irish, he does eat other foods. He just likes potatoes. A lot.       Since I brought the Irish's eating preferences up, I've always wondered (and maybe one of you can tell me) how did the great Irish Potato Famine end up killing so many Irish men and women? I mean, was potatoes ALL they ate in Ireland? Didn't they have any other kind...

Hard Core Advice From Hard Core's Hardest Core... John Leslie! Dear John:       I am a senior in high school. My boyfriend broke up with me a month after he went off to college. We had been together for nine months, and I was devastated. He was my first real boyfriend. He treated me well and cried when we broke up. He ended our relationship because it was his first time being on his own, and he didn't want anyone tying him down. He said he needs time to figure out his life. He claims I will understand when I go to college, and I am trying to accept this.      Our breakup was amicable, even though I was upset. We still text and talk on a regular basis. I know he has no intention of getting back together, at least not now. I have seen him three times since we broke up, and every time we end up sleeping together. He told me recently that he thinks he is interested in another girl.      My friends say it's best if I cut all ti...