American Chimpanzee

I'm going to say something controversial, but, remember, I'm warning you in advance.  I don't want to hear from you about how mad I made you, or how stupid you think I am.  Send your complaints to Bill Clinton.  He feels your pain.     We Need To Get Rid Of School Speed Zones!          Now hold it, hold it.  Stay with me.  I'm not suggesting you let Richard Gere baby-sit your pet gerbil.  What I am suggesting is these days kids seem to have lost their natural instinct for self-preservation.  Every time I drop my darling daughter off at a high school I won't name (although I will admit it's also the name of my favorite Electric Light Orchestra album) I notice that male fashion seems to be frozen in the 90's.  With pants hanging way too low, baseball caps worn every which way but forward, and urban fashion that was dated when Grandmaster Flash released the first rap single.    ...

It was purely by accident that I witnessed the alleged assault of Socorro's alleged City Rep. Jesse Gandara's alleged hand by an alleged Sheriff's Office detective.  I use the word "alleged" because it seems the trendy thing to do these days.  I was walking my dog near Vineyard and Muscat roads and paused for a few seconds in front of Gandara's home when a car with three Sheriff's detectives screeched to a halt in front of me.      "Honest, officers," I told them as they aggressively jumped out of their car.  "I'm gonna pick it up, I swear!"  But they ignored me.  Instead they quickly began conducting their crucial invwestigation of the City Rep.'s driveway.  First they advised the driveway of its right to remain silent, and then they went to work measuring it, or at least they would have, but they couldn't decide from where to begin measuring.  Like I said, there were three of them.  The one who seemed in charge had an int...

I was driving around Downtown El Paso the other day looking for a parking space and had no change to feed those insatiable parking meters.  More than that, I feel when you want to spend your money you should be welcomed, not charged.  I understand the city needs revenue, but think of all those customers driving through Downtown on their way to The Outlet Mall.  Do you know why those people drive that far out of their way to spend their cash?  Free parking.  They'd rather lose half an hour of their lives than pay 25 cents for 20 minutes.      Just the other day I took my family to see the newly renovated Mills Building.  It was beautiful.  At least we think it was from the quick glance we got as we drove past on our way to The Outlet Mall.  Afterward, we had a nice lunch at The Great American Land & Cattle Company further down I-10.  Their Top Sirloin cost $8.99, but their parking was free.      My...

I was invited to the royal wedding between Prince William and Kate Middleton, but I couldn't make it.  I had jury duty that day.      Prince Charles was upset, but he's been upset with me ever since he found out that I knew Lady Di before she was a lady.      "Tell me the truth, now, Sir Jim," he once asked me.  "Did you ever sleep with Princess Diana?"      "Not a wink," I answered.      Years later, after his divorce, he called to ask me to perform the marriage ceremony in his then-upcoming nuptials to Camilla Bowles, but I refused for religious reasons.  I don't believe in inter-species marriages.      "Jim, you were right.  I never should have married Diana."      "I never said you shouldn't marry her.  What I said was: 'Why buy the cow...' "      As a personal favor to him I kept the Queen Mum out of everybody's ...

It was an honor to be invited to the White House's annual Easter egg hunt.      Once there my kids immediately began running and jumping across the beautiful lawn.  We were ready for a good time.  I walked over to grab myself something to drink and ran into my old friend, Barack Obama.  The man who once saved my life in 'Nam.      "Jim," he greeted me.  "I'm glad you made it.  Can I get you something?  Bartender, water for both of us."      Water?  That's it?  I couldn't believe it.  Disbelief became shock when I saw the bartender fill our glasses from a waterhose.      "Don't blame me," Obama said.  "Blame the economy.  Eveybody's cutting back."      I could smell something delicious in the air, so all was forgiven.  I didn't know what they were grilling, but I sure wanted some.  That is, until I saw what it was. ...