American Chimpanzee

I was at last year's UFO Festival in Roswell, NM when it happened.       I remember waking up on a metal surgical table in a futuristic-looking operating room.  Some kind of alien creature stood in front of me.  He--for lack of a better word--was very thin, with long skinny arms and legs.  He had a huge bald head with two big eyes.  There was something familiar about him.      "Mayor Cook, is that you?" I asked.  It looked just like the mayor of El Paso, TX.      The creature chuckled menacingly, reached up , and with long, delicate fingers pulled off its Mayor Cook mask.  I couldn't tell the difference.  I looked around.  There were two more of its kind, whatever its kind was.  They reminded me of The Three Stooges, but from outer space.      "Don't be afraid," the alien I thought of as Moe gently told me.  "We will not harm you."   ...

What a great time my family and I had this past weekend at Wet & Wild Water Park.  The rides were a blast and there were so many people there with tattos I felt like I was back in prison.      I ran into Chris Lopez, my editor at the El Paso Times.  Who knew in his spare time he sold funnel cakes at one of their food shacks?      "Hi, Jim," he greeted me.  "What do you think about City Council restoring benefits to gay and unmarried partners of city employees this past week?"      "Well, Chris," I answered.  "Since you asked..."      It's not that I'm against benefits for partners in gay relationships, I just don't think they're necessary.  Personally, I'm for gay marriage.  It would be good for the economy.  Every gay wedding would be a wedding with two brides.  Can you imagine the money they'll be spending?  I have a relative who's gay--let's ...

"My El Paso."        Those three words adopted by the El Paso Times newspaper as a way to promote our fair city to the world and beyond, or at least anybody who has cash, are powerful and personal...  and sure are similar to my two-word suggestion of over a year ago.      El Paso!  (Insert main selling point here.)        Oh sure, I understand that no one has a copyright on the name El Paso, except, maybe, Marty Robbins, but the concept is similar.  Begin with the name of our city, add the word "my" to the beginning of it, or an exclamation point to the end of it, stir in something positive, and-- bam! --you're done.   My El Paso...  is the safest city in America. El Paso!  The Safest City In America!   My El Paso...  is known for how friendly its people are. El Paso!  The Friendliest City In The World!   My El Paso...  has the bes...

"If this is what winning looks like maybe it's time you considered other options," I said to Charlie Sheen, but I didn't call him to add to his trials and tribulations.  I called him to cash in a favor from an old friend.  I've known Charlie Sheen back when he still called himself Carlos Estevez.  We graduated from Ysleta High School together.  What I wanted was a few quotes from him for the El Paso Times's "My El Paso" community journalism project, because, as we've all heard these past few weeks, Charlie has quite a way with putting words before and after each other.      Charlie was happy to oblige.  Having recently been fired by CBS he had some time on his hands and saw this as an opportunity to rehabilitate his reputation.      "I want to submit some photographs, too," he told me.  "Will these do?"      I looked at the photos he had just sent to my phone.      " Carlito...

My El Paso.        I think those three very powerful and personal words are a great start in getting the citizens of El Paso to define their own city.      However, I must admit that when I first read that phrase I felt it sounded a bit too standoffish and exclusionary.  Kind of like when a two year-old says:   "MY blankie!"   "MY dollie!"   MY El Paso!        Now I realize that this is the genius of it.      Reverse psychology.      What a concept.      The best way to make something valuable is to make it rare.  Something not everyone can have.  A rock that you pick up from the ground has no value, but shine it up, call it a diamond, price it outrageously, and, all of a sudden, you've created a demand for it.      This demand usually comes from individuals who are as dumb as said rocks, ...

There's a problem with our state politicians, and I'm not talking about the difference in their bank accounts from when they enter office to when they leave it.  The problem is that Texas politicians who should know better are constantly opening their mouths and inserting their Gucci cowboy boots when it come to El Paso.  If you listen to them--and I try very hard not to--you would think that the streets of our peaceful city are like the movie Desperado.   With bombs going off, cars exploding, and innocent buildings being shot down in cold blood.      Every September 11th our esteemed Governor and future President--Rick "Four-Eyes" Perry--comes into town to celebrate the annual anniversary of when two planes hi-jacked by Muslim terrorists flew into El Paso's famous Twin Towers.      "Sir," our Mayor informs him in another annual tradition, "that was in New York."      "Don't confuse me with facts," the Governo...

On behalf of mature Latina women my age who have been to New York I request that the El Paso community recognize that we are still youthful and vibrant.  Our once smooth skin may be old and leathery now, but under this saggy bag of flesh is a heart that's still hanging in there.  Barely.  I understand that as we grow older everything gets heavier, hairier, and closer to the ground, but that's no reason to call us " senora ".  When I put on my bra I may now have to start from below my waist, but I am not a senora .  I am a senorita.   Just ask my husband.      I realize that many of you refer to us in the older sense because 1) it's a term of endearment, 2) it's an expression of affection, and 3) it's true.  To this day my husband still calls me his vieja in bed with that special twinkle in his eyes that means he's about to roll over and fall asleep.  I know that he--and you--don't mean anything hostile by such references, but...

As a world-renown faux historian of the southwest I found it amusing that the former governor of New Mexico, Bill Richardson, considered granting a pardon to Billy the Kid just before he left office.      I called Billy the Kid for a response, but his having died a century back made it difficult for him to return my calls.  Governor Richardson also didn't return my call, but I expected that.  I know he holds me responsible for the derailing of his Presidential bid in the historic election of 2008.  Sadly, I was the one who sugggested to Melissa Etheridge that she ask him whether or not he believed homosexuality to be a choice.  Her original question had been how Double-Stuffed Oreos could sell for the same price as regular Oreos.       "It has double the stuffing!  How can it possibly sell for the same price?"      "Melissa," I answered back, and the rest is history.  Maybe in an alternate...

The press conference was brutal.       It was harder than Bill Clinton at the Miss Arkansas Pageant.  Why Congressman Anthony Weiner, the man in line to become New York's next mayor, would willingly show up to a press conference addressing his Weinergate scandal is beyond me.  (I add the "gate", not because of his action, but because of the ineptitude of his denial.)  He was advised not to, but decided to do it because "the American public is stupid."  Never underestimate the short memories of the American voter.          While Rep. Weiner (D) wanted to address the important issues of the day at the press conference, such as who's going to replace Steve Carell on The Office or if there will be a Hangover III , the press only wanted to ask him about whether or not he sent a photo of his junk to a 21 year-old female college student.      Weiner wouldn't bite.   ...

Anyone who's traveled east on I-10 can't help but be curious about something called The Thing. Mainly, that's because you've driven by 247 billboards asking you: "What Is The Thing ?"      I stopped to see it one time. I admit it, curiousity got the better of me.  It was in a nice little homemade museum. Personally, I liked that museum because they tried to make what little they had interesting. My favorite was a 1937 Rolls Royce they said was rumored to have once been owned by Hitler. Heck, anybody can start a rumor. I started one once back in High School and ended up taking my best friend's girlfriend to the Prom. He tried to get even with me years later by marrying one of my ex-wives. She made his life a living hell. Be careful what you wish for, my friends. Be careful what you wish for.      That's why I found it so interesting that Pancho Villa's trigger finger was for ...