American Chimpanzee

When Hell is full, the dead shall walk the earth.    When President Obama calls, I jump.      It's the least I can do for the man who once saved my life in 'Nam.  But this particular favor caught me by surprise.      "I want you to go to Libya," he told me, smoothly.  "You're the only one I can trust to verify that Gaddafi is dead."      "Of course he's dead," I answered.  "We've both seen the pictures."  I paused...  and then we both broke up laughing at the same time.  Pictures.  What a joke.      "Don't worry," he assured me.  "Your little problem's been smoothed over."       That's Obama, for you.  Mr. Smooth.  And that's how I found myself in Libya, taking a freight elevator down to the basement where Libya's "liberators" kept Gaddafi's murdered body.       The elevator sto...

I've been listening to a lot of this "is Osama bin Laden really dead?" news coverage because, well, what choice do I have?  The news is like a pit bull.  When it gets its teeth into the neck of a story it doesn't let go until the story's as cold and dead as Charlton Heston's gun-holding hands.      Conservative pundits like Rush Limbo and Bill O'Really grudgingly give President Barack Obama--the man who once saved my life in 'Nam--credit, but with a "but" so big it could be one of the Kardashian sisters.      "Obama gave the okay," to paraphrase one, "BUT the machine was already in place to take bin Laden down."      "It happened on Obama's watch," to paraphrase another, "BUT he's only benefiting from what President Bush had already done."      Oddly enough, the uber-conservative, Michael Savage, had no problem giving sincere credit (well, as sincere as Michael Savage can be) to President Ob...

     "You're a man of Faith, aren't you, Governor Perry?"      "Yes, I am.  I've read the Bible 14 times, and when I get to the part where Jesus builds the ark and saves all the animals, I find that incredibly inspiring."      "Uh, it was Noah who built the ark."      "What?"      "It was Noah who built the ark."      "Are you saying I'm wrong?  I'm not wrong, I'm the man!  And you'll notice that Jesus didn't save the unicorns.  That's because unicorns have horns...  the devil has horns...  I don't think I need to spell it out for you."      "Do you feel, then, that your political career has been more of a calling than a choice?"      "Let me put it this way:  I've never lost an election.  Never.  I give all credit to my Lord and God, Yahtzee."      "Uh...

The writing was on the wall.      After spending four weeks at Zuccotti Park in New York City with the Occupying Wall Street protestors, I decided to come back home.  The smell of ripening hippies was starting to get to me.       (On a side note, my great-grandmother, Mama Tortalini, made the best zuccotti you've ever tasted.  The pasta would just melt in your mouth.  When we were kids we would go into her kitchen while she was cooking, and beg for a taste of her special tomato sauce.  She'd line us up, take a swig of her "medicine" from a flask she always had close at hand, and smacked each of us in the head with her heavy wooden spoon.  "Shadduppa you face!" she'd scream at us with love.  It was a Sicilian thing.  An old world tradition.  I miss my Mama Tortalini.  God rest her soul.)      Once home, I was hungry to catch up on what's been happening in the world, ...

Apparently all the great questions of the cosmos have been answered, because researchers have been studying...      ...wait for it...      ... SpongeBob SquarePants!      That's right, the popular Nickelodeon cartoon.      In particular, they are studying what effects watching the cartoon may have on a 4-year-old child.      Heck, I could have told them what the effects were, and it wouldn't have cost anyone a dime.  Its effects are that its outrageous potty humor makes 4-year-old children...      ...wait for it...      ... laugh!      And its moronic main character causes them to talk in an annoyingly high-pitched squeal. But since my conclusions didn't cost any tax-payer dollars, they aren't considered scientifically valid.      My observations aside, what the researchers discove...

When I found out that our fearless leader and former Chippendale dancer, Chris Lopez, announced he was leaving the newspaper business in general and the El Paso Times in particular, I must admit I was a bit miffed.  You see, I found out about it like the rest of the rubes at the carny.      How could he be leaving so soon?  Why, it seems like only yesterday he was brought up on those indecency charges.  And how could he be leaving without letting me know?  I thought we were friends.  Maybe even more than friends, especially after that drunken weekend we spent at John Travolta's beach house celebrating Tom Cruise's birthday, where...  well, let's just say that you're not allowed to ask and I don't have to tell.  Though I will say this:  if Richard Gere ever wants to show you his disappearing gerbil trick, just say no.      So I went to Chris' favorite spot in the city, where he enjoys collecting empty alumi...

(The following is an excerpt.)   The Rogue:  Searching For The Real Sarah Palin by Joe McGinniss   rogue (rog), n.:  Someone I vehemently despise, but am not above making a few bucks off of.   One   Saturday, May 22, 2010   I moved in next door to Sarah Palin today.  It was a dazzling spring day:  sky blue, air cool, sun warm, shoes shined, laces tied, Abraham begat Isaac, Isaac begat Jacob, and Jacob...  jacob...  zzz...      Excuse me.  I'm so boring sometimes I even put myself to sleep.      Sitting on my deck overlooking the lake at 11:00pm, I consider myself as lucky as a man can be.  Registered sex offenders aren't allowed to live near public schools or parks, and yet here I am, living right next door to Sarah Palin.  Of course, I knew my task would be difficult.  The former Governor of Alaska had already ordered those close to her not ...