American Chimpanzee

Herman Cain can take criticism.  He just takes it to the next level, which is death.   Herman Cain can turn back time simply by focusing his intense eyes and staring it down.   Herman Cain can fill out his tax forms with just his name and not have to pay his taxes.   Herman Cain can stare at you until you explode.   Herman Cain can tell you what happened to the unicorns.  They were delicious.   Herman Cain can end his relationships by honestly saying "It's not me, it's you."   Herman Cain can drink gasoline and get 78 miles per gallon.   Herman Cain can punch you so hard you'll fly into the future and land at the feet of President Palin.   Herman Cain can swallow an Occupy Wall Street protester whole, and the end result will be a Navy Seal.    Herman Cain can finally take credit for killing Osama bin Laden.  Seal Team Six?  They're a bunch of liars.   ...

Herman Cain can shatter a mirror just by looking at it.  Not even a mirror is stupid enough to look Herman Cain in the eyes.     Herman Cain can creep out a clown.     Herman Cain can give you heartburn.  With one punch to the chest, your heart will catch fire.     Herman Cain can make Death wish it was dead.     Herman Cain can use the phrase "eat my heart out," but you can't, because Herman Cain will literally eat your heart.     Herman Cain can punch you in the face.  From the inside out.     Herman Cain can break a mirror, and it's the seven years that will have the bad luck.     Herman Cain can donate a testicle to Lance Armstrong and still be twice the man you are.     Herman Cain can be bitten by a rattlesnake, and, after days of suffering, the rattler will finally die.   ...

I was driving on the freeway making my way to one of the many early voting sites located around El Paso.  I was on the passing lane going 50 mph.  It wasn't my idea to go that slow on the fast lane.  It was the idea of the driver in the car ahead of me.  I flashed my high-beams at him in the international signal to scoot over.  He flashed me back with the longest finger on his right hand, and punctuated that gesture by hitting his brakes.  It could have been worse.       He could have been from New Mexico driving 40.       But I wasn't about to let him get me down.  It was a great day, and a great day to vote.  Besides, I thought, when we vote the same elected officials back into office again I bet you they'll finally do something about those crazy drivers.      There's a lot that we can complain about in this town.  In fact, a lot of people do nothing but complain....

Herman Cain can proudly tell you all about his 2 grown children.  It's the other 17 he doesn't like to talk about.   Herman Cain can take criticism...  that is, if you  can take Herman Cain's fist repeatedly slamming against your skull.   Herman Cain can tell you who's buried in the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier.   Herman Cain can watch 60 Minutes in just half an hour.   Herman Cain can hit a man so hard that that man's future children will be born with a fist-shaped dent in their heads.   Herman Cain can give a woman an orgasm via a third party, like UPS.   Herman Cain can go trick-or-treating, and he'll come back with a Halloween bag filled with women's virginity's.   Herman Cain can make Bill Clinton look like an amateur.   Herman Cain can leave a woman feeling satisfied with just a wink and a nod.   Herman Cain's eyes can take the place ...

I learned an interesting fact the other day as I was surfing that Devil's Playground known as the internet, and, as we all know, if it's on the internet it must be true.  The fact was this:  men are good at following orders.  Women, however, seem to need an exceptional amount of discussion before they decide to do something they're not supposed to do.  Any man who's received a gift from a woman knows this to be true.  They'll give you what they think you want, rather than what you actually want.      I remember once receiving a Teddy Ruxpin talking bear as a gift from my 2nd wife.  Why she thought I would like this children's toy is beyond me, since I had never shown a desire for a stuffed animal before, much less one that talks.      "I thought you would like it," she told me.      "Why would you think that?"  I asked her, honestly perplexed.      "Well, you like robot...

The mayor of Sunland Park, New Mexico has been ridiculed and criticized for signing a million dollar contract while he was drunk, but I can sympathize with him.  If it wasn't for being drunk I wouldn't have gotten married three out of my five times.  No, what should be ridiculed is that State Rep. Mary Helen Garcia has taken steps toward the state takeover of the city.      She contacted both the New Mexico Attorney General's office and the Department of Finance and Administration to begin the process, and told them:  "These people are so dumb it takes them an hour and a half to watch 60 Minutes."      The reason the State Rep. was so upset was the conduct of the Sunland Park city council during one of their recent meetings.  City Councilor Carmen Rodriguez was especially on a roll, and went down the row of fellow councilors airing her grievances.      "You're so fat," she told one, "when you go...

I was at the El Paso Central Business Association luncheon at the DoubleTree hotel when I heard Mayor Cook mention that the city is close to buying the old El Paso Saddleblanket Co. building from River Oaks Properties for $1.26 million as part of efforts to revitalize Downtown and help reduce blight in the central area.      I sat next to Mike Breitinger, executive director of the Central Business Association, and asked him:  "Won't it take a long time to revitalize Downtown?"      "Rome," he answered, "wasn't bulit in a day."      "Do you think a revitalized Downtown can attract enough people to make it worthwhile?"      "Hope springs eternal."      "Are you going to keep answering me in nothing but cliches?"      "Time will tell."      That's when I saw Mayor Cook.  He was sneaking out the back through the kitchen.  He was we...

President Obama--the man who once saved my life in 'Nam--has an ace in the hole in the upcoming presidential elections, and I'm not talking about who the Republicans picked for their candidate (I'm not saying their choice was poor, but it used to go to Kentucky Fried Chicken to lick other people's fingers.).  That ace, my fellow 98%, is Darrin Stevens from the McMann & Tate Advertising Agency.  Mr. Stevens has been in the advertising business since the 60's, and was the creative force behind such successful advertising campaigns as Baby Bye-Bye, the happily aborted fetus.      "Thank you, mommy," Baby Bye-Bye's tagline was.  "I'm with Jesus now."      And Jesus, standing beside her, would take a deep drag from the cigarette He'd be enjoying.      "Smoke what you are," He'd say.  "Kool."      The ad was brilliant on so many different levels, but t...