American Chimpanzee

Dear God,      The world is a big place, and it's filled with billions and billions of people, but You know as well as I do that the world doesn't need most of them. Most of the people in the world are just annoying, and the rest of us would be better off without them.      I understand that this is the season to be jolly, but how jolly can we be when we have to deal with people who get our goat on a daily basis? So I ask You, dear Lord, to answer my following prayer: please, Please, PLEASE get rid of all the jerks, low-lifes, and mentally unambitious idiots who do nothing more than take up space in this world and use up perfectly good oxygen.      No more people, Lord, who don't decide what they want at a fast food restaurant until they get to the front of the line. This especially irks me at McDonald's. McDonald's serves hamburgers. And fries. What's so difficult?      We don't need people like that,...

Well, I did it. I was able to get my little girl the hottest Christmas toy du jour of the season. The stores were all sold out, it wasn't available online, but I was able to get my hands on one with only less than 12 hours to spare.      I won't tell you how. All I'll tell you is: who needs two kidneys? Just ask comedian George Lopez's wife, who was generous enough to lovingly give her husband one of hers just before he dumped her. I don't blame George for divorcing her. Who wants to be married to a woman with only one kidney? But I digress...      No, the toy in question wasn't Sesame Street's new Tickle-My-Tonsils Elmo doll, that would be in poor taste. No, I got the The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo doll, with removable piercings and changeable tattoos. Eyebrows are optional. My little girl is five years-old. She'll love it.      And now that the hustle and bustle of the holidays are over, and all that's left is pretending ...

It's A Wonderful Life Somewhere... in the cosmos... "You sent for me, sir? "Yes, Clarence. A man down on Earth needs our help." "Spendid! Maybe then, sir, maybe then I'll get my wings?" The notorious drug lord, Scarface, lay dying. Shot in the back by the hitman sent by his enemies. In the distance he could see the mountain of cocaine piled on his desk. It looked comical to him now.      His vision slowly began to fade as his life poured out of him in a red, warm liquid. Fading... fading... and then miraculously clear!      "Hi, I'm Clarence," a jovial voice said, as a white-haired old coot slid into view above him. Scarface's eyes blinked. He felt his chest. There were no wounds, no blood, but... but that was impossible. His mind felt sharp, crystal clear. Sobriety, he laughed at the irony, felt better than any drug.      The old man helped him up.      "Who are you?" Scarf...

As an urban militant straight outta Compton--and who also just happens to be gay--I've gotta shout out loud how incredibly racist I find the white songwriting community to be for ignoring the black holiday of Kwanzaa. This ancient tradition, which dates back to pre-Tupac times, is due reparations for this blatant disrespect. Reparations, that is, in the form of holiday Kwanzaa songs. You can keep your forty acres and a mule, you racist muthafathas.      Kwanzaa, or "Kill Whitey," is from the African language of... um, from the original... ah, who am I kidding? "Kwanzaa" is a made-up word that's meant to be African-sounding. I think we succeeded.      The above paragraph reminds me of the movie Skin Games, starring James Garner and Louis Gossett Jr. It takes place pre-Civil War, and Gossett, who plays a free black man, is sold over and over again as a slave in a money-making scam. Toward the end of the movie, he makes up African-soundin...

I got home from work the other night and saw my little girl watching the holiday classic Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer.      I grimaced.      I'm not saying that particular Christmas special is bad (which it is), I'm just saying the only thing worse was listening to Miley Cyrus sing Nirvana's Smells Like Teen Spirit. And the only thing worse than that is watching her dance to it. Don't believe me? Check it out for yourself on YouTube. Anyway...      I sat down and watched it with her. Why? Because that's what Dads who love their little girls do. As my mind wandered and my eyes glazed over, once again I was reminded of that time, not so long ago, I met a brave little pig.      I drove down to a farm in the lower valley of El Paso, because I had heard farmers tended to have attractive daughters with liberal ideas about hospitality, but, instead of a daughter, this farmer had a pig. The pig was missing th...

When President Obama calls, I jump.      It's the least I can do for the man who once saved my life in 'Nam.      And that's how I found myself conducting the orientation for the incoming freshman class of legislators. I met with them on the Sunday after the election, and quickly began my spiel.      "This is the Capital Hill cafeteria, but you won't be eating here. What you'll do is go to any four- or five-star restaurant where lobbyists will be eagerly waiting to buy you lunch, and the best part is you get the tip.      "Once you take office you'll be assigned a personal receptionist. She'll make sure that your constituents will in no way be able to get in contact with you.      "On a similar note, you will be assigned a stretch limousine. The windows will be tinted extra dark, so you can conduct the people's business in private with enthusiastic interns. You'll also be assigned a ...

First and foremost, I'm thankful for the re-election of my close and personal friend, President Barack Hussein Obama--the man who once saved my life in 'Nam.      You see, I've worked hard all my life to support myself, my family, and various mistresses and illegitimate children. Now, I figure, it's time to let the government do it. Why?      Because I can.      Do you have any idea how expensive it is to feed a houseful of hungry kids, some of whom might even be yours? Well, neither does the government, that's why they're so better suited for the job.      School supplies? I say, if the government requires us to send our children to school, then they should be required to buy the clothes, supplies, and breakfasts, lunches, and dinners that go along with it. How can I stay at home and make sure that the government workers in charge of upkeep on my home are doing their job if I have to be at a job? H...

An angry gaggle of Congressmen, upset by the FBI's revelation of an affair between ex-CIA Director David Patraeus and Paula Broadwell, his biographer, were questioning the former Army General at Capital Hill.      They first began by conducting a Rorschach Test, which is a psychological test in which a subject's perception of an inkblot indicates his or her inner truth. The inkblots were supplied by the Hill's resident psychologist available to all members of Congress free of charge, and whom no member of Congress has ever used. It's a sweet gig, and it pays well. All courtesy of the American taxpayer.      Former senator Larry Craig, known hither and yon for just how impressively wide his stance is, showed Patraeus the first inkblot.      "What does this look like to you, General?" Craig asked.      The former General took his time considering the black splot...

This Being The Further Adventures of Tom Sawyer   Chapter XXXVI     Aunt Polly was fit to be tied. Here it was, the end of the book, and the board fence surrounding her home, thirty yards long and nine feet high, was in dire need of another whitewashing. It was almost as if her nephew, Tom Sawyer, didn't whitewash the fence at all, but a dozen or so of his worthless friends.      "I don't care how rich you are, young man," she had told Tom, of course referring to Injun Joe's treasure. "I don't want to see hide nor hair of you until you're done whitewashing the fence. Now go do a good job this time."      "Yes'm," Tom Sawyer answered his aunt.      "And remember, a lazy man does the same job twice."      "Yes'm."      "A stitch in time saves nine, Tom. A stitch in time saves nine."      Yeah, Tom thought to himself, ...

To say the least, I was a bit surprised when the President himself greeted me at the front door of the White House wearing a toga, a tie, and a corona civica. President Obama--the man who once saved my life in 'Nam--had invited me to join him, his family, and "a few close friends" to watch the coverage of the presidential election. I misunderstood. I didn't realize I had been invited to a toga party. I came attired in my best casual suit and I was way over dressed.      The White House was filled with men and women, young and old, Simon and Garfunkel all dressed in togas and dancing wildly. There was a huge screen on the far left wall, but instead of showing the election results, they were showing only the scenes where Helen Hunt appears naked in her new movie, The Sessions, which is to say they were playing the entire movie.      I ducked as a bottle of beer flew past my head. It shattered against th...

I hold no grudges.       So when Ben Bernanke, the Federal Reserve Board Chairman, asked me to meet with him for lunch, I agreed, but I agreed knowing that Bernanke had a chip on his shoulder regarding me ever since he asked me if I had ever slept with his wife.      "Not a wink," I assured him.      I remembered the last time I had lunch with Bernanke. It was in Washington DC when they had their big earthquake. The waiter had just put the check down in front of Bernanke when the tremors started. The Chairman jumped up and ran out of the restaurant screaming like a little girl, his hands waving wildly above his head. I got stuck with the bill. So... this time around...      "Who's going to pay," I asked him.      "The taxpayers," he told me.       Same old Bernanke.  He never changes.       Th...

That George Lucas is a genius.      First, he's sold Lucasfilm Ltd. to Disney for 4.05 BILLION dollars, and now, while the hacks are busy converting their movies into 3D, he's already onto the next big thing: monkeys!      Although Lucas has also converted and released his Star Wars franchise in 3D, his main focus, besides draining your wallet of all the money it might contain, has been to add monkeys into his epic tale of a galaxy far, far away.      It's not such a crazy idea.      There's no idea so bad that adding a monkey to it won't make it better. When I watched the movie 12 Monkeys a decade or so back, I remember thinking at the time: "You know what this movie needs? More monkeys." That Monty Python guy should have made the movie about 13 monkeys, because that one extra monkey would have made all the difference at the box office.      I know we're all tired of Sylv...

when hell is full the dead will walk the earth   I have nightmares.      It's been years, and I still have nightmares.      It all began with a simple phone call from President Obama. And when Obama calls, I jump. It's the least I can do for the man who once saved my life in 'Nam. But this particular phone call caught me by surprise.      "I want you to go to Pakistan," he told me, smoothly. "You're the only one I can trust to verify that Osama bin Laden is dead."      "Of course he's dead," I answered. "We've both seen the video."      I paused... and then we both broke up laughing at the same time. Video. What a joke.      "And don't worry," he assured me. "Your little, ah, 'problem' in the Middle East has been smoothed over."      That's Obama for you. Mr. Smooth. And that's how I found myself ba...

Thank God the debates are over.      The demands the two presidential candidates were making for each of the debates were driving me nuts. You see, I'M the Walt Disney of the political world. I'm in charge of making their dreams come true.      For example, while President Obama insisted that there be no brown M&Ms in his candy bowl, Governor Romney insisted just as forcefully that he receive all the brown M&Ms that Obama discarded.      Like I said, these bozos drive me nuts.      The last of the presidential debates was held at Lynn College, proudly named after Ginger Lynn, a legend in the hallowed halls of academia. Many a college professor has pulled an all-nighter contemplating the beautiful simplicity of Ginger's mathmatical theorum: 2 d + 1 v = dp.      The college is located in the city of Boca Raton, Florida. Did you know "Boca Raton" is Spanish ...