American Chimpanzee

It's Not Too Late!        There's Still Time To Win The All-Expenses Paid Super Bowl Super Vacation!   Not only will you win 1st class air travel to and from the Super Bowl, but you will also receive a five day/four night stay at a luxury 5-star hotel, $5,000.00 in spending cash, and the prostitute of your choice!  Tickets on the 50 yard line?  Forget about it!  You will be the personal guest of the New York Giants or the New England Patriots (your choice) and sit in the owner's box, with full access to the VIP area where the owner's closest friends, business associates, and YOU  will be well taken care of by the finest call girls money can buy.  After the game, you will join the winning quarterback--either the NFC's Eli Manning or the AFC's Tom Brady--for a well-earned soak in a jacuzzi with--no, not hookers, but--a gaggle of giggling football groupies.  Aren't you glad...

Movie's were so bad this year that the Academy had to reach into the past to fill out all of its categories.  How bad was it?  It was so bad that Jonah Hill received a nomination for Achievements in Weight Loss.      In a surprise move, Albert Brooks received a nomination, but not for The Driver.  Instead he received it for Finding Nemo.      Pauly Shore surprised even the Academy with his Best Actor nomination, despite not having starred in a movie since 1984.       Melissa McCarthy received a nomination for her impersonation of John Belushi in the all-female remake of The Hangover.  I think she'll win the Let's-Give-It-To-The-Fat-Girl vote.      The Help was shockingly overlooked.  Academy President, Morty Lowenstein, helpfully explained:  "There were too many black people in it.  This is a movie about the African-American experience, so where are all the Asian ...

I was on the corner of Walk/Don't Walk, sitting in my car, and waiting for the light to change.  It wasn't so bad.  I was being entertained by a homeless beggar who was playing the guitar, dancing a jig, and holding out a tin cup.  Somehow all at the same time.  He was also holding up a sign.  On it was a cartoon picture of the Cryptkeeper.  Underneath, scrawled in the handwriting of an illiterate child, were the words:  "Will legislate for food."  And then it hit me...      "Mayor Cook?  Is that you?"      It was none other than John Cook, the mayor of El Paso.  He seemed genuinely happy to see me.      "Hiya, Joe!"      "It's Jim."      "Whatever."      "What are you doing begging on a street corner?"      "I'm not begging.  I'm collecting donations for my legal defense f...

     Rick Perry has dropped out of the presidential race.  That's too bad.  Just when he finally was showing some leadership qualities by standing up for those four Marines who are accused of marking their territories on dead enemy combatants.  Something I haven't heard any of the other presidential hopefuls do.      The Republican Party, upon hearing the news, told the Texas Governor:  "Don't let the door hit'cha where the good Lord split'cha, amigo ."       On his way out, Perry was kind enough to throw his support behind Newt Gingrich,      "Thanks," Newt said.  " ...for nothing. "      When I asked him what his biggest mistake was, Rick Perry answered:  "I never should have made Italian cruiseship captain, Francesco Schettino, my campaign manager."      Secretary of Defense Leon Panetta  and former Speaker of the Ho...

Rick Perry is keeping a low profile these days.  He's afraid he'll run out of feet to insert into his mouth.  But that's no way to run a possible presidential campaign.  You can't tippy-toe your way into the highest office in the land.       It's hard to believe that a campaign that started out so strong, fell apart so quickly.  It fell apart faster than Obama's promise to fix the economy.  How did this happen?  Because Rick Perry opened his pie-hole.  If he had just kept quiet, then we would all still think of him as a stoic man of intelligence and wisdom.  Now we just think of him as the rodeo clown sent in to distract the bulls.       Let me put it this way:  when Ron Paul beats you...  you ain't doing too good, cowboy.      It isn't just that he thinks of my hometown of El Paso as some kind of third-world war-zone.  It's that he doesn't think at all....

On a recent trip to India, I made the mistake of poking a cow in the ribs and joking:  "Michele Obama would love you."       The group of starving children standing nearby overheard, and reported me to the ICP.  The ICP I'm referring to is the India Cow Police, and not the Insane Clown Posse they're often mistaken for.  Juggalos from across the United States trek to India every year, only to be disappointed to discover that The Great Malenko is nowhere to be found.      But I digress...      The ICP politely asked me to leave.  I just as politely refused.  I was there as a part of a combination Doctors Without Borders/court ordered community service.  I knew that, as a culture, India considers the cow to be sacred, but I didn't think they were really serious about it.  Kind of like American girls getting married in white.       I'm sorry, but cows aren't...

Now that Iowa has told Texas Governor Rick Perry (a.k.a. the man who would be President):  "How can we miss you if you won't go away?", Rick Perry has set his sights on South Carolina, because that is the state where his political aspirations will be made or broken.  At least according to various political experts.  The very experts, I might add, who advised Coca Cola to replace Classic Coke with New Coke.      There's an old Texas saying:  "When the going gets tough, the tough get going," and that's exactly what Rick Perry did when he came in fifth in the Iowa caucuses.  He got going.  Back to Texas.  Where he considered quitting.  Fortunately, he was talked out of quitting, and, eventually, he was also talked down off the ledge he was standing on.      When I think of Rick Perry, I think about all of his accomplishments.      Let me list a few:     It ta...

President Obama's first trip to China, although being a complete and wonderful success where we got everything we wanted and some chop suey besides, also had its amusing moments as well.  Here is an edited transcript of Obama's private meeting with Chinese President Hu:      Obama (sitting down):  "I'm sorry, but all your Chinese names sure have got me confused.  You'll have to forgive me, sir, but you are...  who? "      Hu (already seated):  "Yes."      "Yes, what?"      "Yes, I am."      "Yes, you are who?"      "That's right."      "What's right?"      "I am Hu."      "That's what I'm asking you."      "No, you're not asking Yu.  You're asking me.  Hu."      "I'm asking who?"      "That's right." ...

2011 was an amazing year.  It was the year that Justin Bieber began dating Selena Gomez, because, you see, he likes girls.  No, really...  he likes girls.  He really, really, REALLY  likes girls.  Didn't you see the pictures of the two of them stealing romantic kisses on the beach that they accidentally leaked to the media.  The only kiss that seemed more real and passionate was the one between Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley on MTV.      On the political scene, President Obama is going for the Guiness world record for most vacations taken by an American President while in office.  "There are brighter days ahead," he was quoted as saying in People Magazine.  "Not for you.  For me."      Prince William married Kate Middleton in England.  Some say her siter Pippa stole the show, but in my opinion it was Prince Charles for showing up to the wedding with his pet horse....

I guess the most notable name on my list of the recently deceased is Steve Jobs, 56, entrepreneur and inventor.  You can say, without exaggeration, that his vision changed the world.  So, thanks, Steve.  Thanks for making me look bad in front of my wife and kids.   Cy Twombly, 83, artist. You might have actually heard of him if he had changed his name to something people could remember.     Betty Ford, 93, First Lady. I remember our time in rehab together during the late 70's and early 80's.  She introduced me to the band Duran Duran, and broke my heart the night she left me to date the Dallas Cowboys.      Franklin Kameny, 86, gay-rights activist. Died during an emergency addadictomy procedure.     Amy Winehouse, 27, singer and songwriter. I can't tell you how incredibly sad I was when I found out Amy Winehouse had died.  I can't tell you, because I made a fortune having her...