American Chimpanzee

First Don Cornelius, then Etta James, and now Whitney Houston...  this has been the worst Black History Month ever .       When I was first asked by Jet magazine to fly to New Jersey to cover Ms. Houston's funeral, I was enraged.  I'm an original gangsta from Compton.  As an urban militant and former member of The Inkspots, I found this kind of pop culture news reportage beneath me, especially in a time when if a black man goes to court looking for justice, that's all he finds...  just us .  However, as a gay man, I thought it would be fabulous.      So I called my dear friend, George Takei, and asked him what I should wear to the affair.      "Black," he said, inscrutibly, "is the new black."       "George," I told him, "black sucks."      "Honey," he replied, "Uhura's black.  So if that were true, I'd still be straight."    ...

In the spirit of the President Day's holiday that just passed, I'd like to thank the Norwegian Nobel Committee for having once awarded me the Nobel Peace Prize.  I didn't deserve it, but I accepted it, none the less.       Lest you think I'm being critical of President Obama's honor of a few years ago, let me assure you that's not the case.  I side with Bill O'Really, who felt that President Obama's--the man who once saved my life in 'Nam--winning of the Nobel Peace Prize was good for America, and I'm all for what's good for America.  But, let's face it, the deadline for the Norwegian Nobel's Committee's nominations was February 1st.  Obama was sworn in on January 20th.  That was just eleven days, and no one in any kind of authority has been able to accomplish anything so quickly since God created the universe in six.       No, the reason Obama won was because he wasn't George Bush.  So, in essence, all of...

With all due respect, no one ever says "with all due respect" unless they're about to say something without any due respect, so...      With all due respect, whatever happened to the woman's movement?  There was a time when women were tough.  They had to be.  They had to fight for family, for equality, and for fabulous hair products.  Now they seem to be back to square one, where the only movement they seem to be interested in making is in a pair of tight jeans as they're walking in front of anyone with some angle to their dangle.       That, and abortions.      The gay lobby, on the other hand, is tough.  They're so tough they even made Tracy Morgan cry.  The black lobby is tough, too.  You can lose your job, your life, and even have your credit rating ruined, just by saying something African-Americans might misconstrue as being racist, such as using the word "misconstrue."...

"Mayor Cook, what are you doing here?"      I was walking into the bathroom at city hall when I bumped into him.  I was there to pay my Excessive Oxygen Usage Fee.  He was dressed in gray coveralls, and busy cleaning the mirror over the sink with some paper towels and a clear blue liquid in a plastic spray bottle.      "I work here," he answered, and then, without missing a breat, he vigorously went to work cleaning the sink using the same supplies.  "This is where I do my best thinking."      I couldn't argue with that, so I took the opportunity to ask him about the plastic bag fee the city is thinking about adopting.       "Well, it's like this," he began, putting away the paper towels and picking up a scouring brush for the toilet.  He gave the bowl a few squirts with the magically versatile blue liquid and enthusiastically began scrubbing the commode.  "The ci...

That George Lucas is a genius.       While the hacks are busy following his lead by converting their movies into 3D, he's already onto the next big thing:  monkeys.  Although he's also recently released his Star Wars franchise in 3D, he's already a step way ahead of those unoriginal film-making losers by next adding monkeys into his epic tale of a galaxy far, far away.      It's not such a crazy idea.  There's no idea so bad that adding a monkey wouldn't make better.  Are you telling me that Jar Jar Binks wouldn't have become a beloved Star Wars character if he were played by the orange orangutan Clyde from those Clint Eastwood Which Way movies?*       When I watched the Bruce Willis/Brad Pitt movie 12 Monkeys a decade or so back, I remember thinking at the time:  "You know what this movie needs?  More monkeys."  They should have made that movie about ...

     Politics.  An age-old problem that's been boring me my whole life.      As you've probably read, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie recently met with President Obama in the Oval Office, but Obama made it absolutely clear to the Hollywood power couple that, with the upcoming presidential elections, he wasn't at all interested in being adopted.      Which, in a round-a-bout way, brings me to the subject of this column.  The Republican pickings for president are so slim this time around, that I'm considering running for the nomination myself.  I say "thinking about it," because, to tell the truth, I couldn't afford the cut in pay.       I don't know how he found out about my political musings, but, just before he decided to publically throw his support behind Mitt Romney, Donald Trump called and wanted to give me his opinion about the subje...