American Chimpanzee

When President Obama calls, I jump.  It's the least I can do for the man who once saved my life in 'Nam.       But not this time.       One:  I was busy preparing to take part in the Bataan Deathmarch Memorial Marathon at the White Sands Missile Range in New Mexico, where I took 1st place in both the heavy and light divisions.  Two:  It wasn't President Obama who actually called me.       It was his wife.      "I found your number in my husband's secret address book," she told me.  I put the phone down.  It usually takes her 27 minutes to get to her point.  When I picked the phone back up, she was saying, "...so I need you to babysit my daughter Malia for me in Mexico.  I'd go myself, but I'm doing my hair that week."      I declined.  She wasn't very happy about it.  I felt sorry for 'Bama.  If I were hi...

Artists Al Borrego and Guadalupe Jacquez Calderon have unveiled a sculpture of Billy the Kid near the old El Paso County Jail in San Elizario in an event that helped open the fourth season of the Mission Trail Art Market.  Next to the church, the county jail is perhaps the biggest reason tourists visit the site.  Why?  Because of Billy the Kid, that's why.      Depending on who you talk to, Billy either broke out of jail there, broke a friend out of jail there, or chipped a tooth on a bad plate of beans.      When I asked Al Borrego "Why Billy?  Why a sculpture?  Why now?" he answered simply, "You sure do ask a lot of questions, amigo. "      I can take a hint.  So I went to Guadalupe Jacquez Calderon and asked him why he decided to get involved.  He told me, " Para el fururo.   I wanted to contribute for our children.  But not for our children's children, because I don't bel...

As someone who has seen the movie 2001: A Space Odyssey about a dozen times (and still falls asleep about midway through it), I couldn't help but be impressed by this new miracle of modern technology called the iPad 3.  Even George Jetson would be amazed.  And you're talking about a guy with a robot for a maid.      I was there for the first presentation with Steve Jobs, and, once again, present for the unveiling of the iPad 3 by Apple's new CEO, Tim Cook.  Let me tell you, I was impressed.  You won't believe a fraction of what the new iPad 3 can do.  Sure, you can run an infinity of apps on it, but would you believe that, like the new iPhone 4s, the iPad 3 is voice activated, too?  It responds to--and responds back with--verbal commands.  This, however, is probably something Steve Jobs came up with well before his untimely death.      "Wow," I said, gently holding a sample iPad 3 in my hands.  "You'...

More than my close, personal friendship with President Barack Obama--the man who once saved my life in 'Nam.  More than my Pulitzer Prize, which I once imagined could make a good bludgeon for an ungrateful wife. (An ungrateful wife who, I must add, suddenly had to move back to the foreign country she came from and was never heard from again.  I wish her well.)  More even than my seven Olympic Gold Medals and one Nobel Peace Prize, which makes for an excellent doorstop.  More than all that is this, my hundredth posting on my Fifty Shades of Funny humor blog site.  I consider this the single greatest accomplishment in my life.  A life, I might add, that's incredibly well-lived.  You haven't lived until you've run with the bulls in Pamplona, Spain.  Or dodged the bullets of vicious drug lords in the streets of Juarez, Mexico.  Or caught something, that fortunately could be cured with a shot of penicillin, in the brothels...

Rush Limbo sure has sure gotten himself into a pile of the stuff he's full of.       I used to enjoy listening to Rush, and, the majority of the time, I even found myself agreeing with him, but I stopped listening when he started to become a pompous windbag.  The Hurricane Harry of political pundits, if you will.       But, I admit, I was curious about what set him off concerning this whole Sandra Fluke brouhaha.  Sandra Fluke is a Georgetown Law student and self-described Reproductive Rights Activist.  Georgetown, for those unfamiliar with this hallowed hall of education, is a catholic university. By catholic, I mean that you can commit any sin and be forgiven instantaneously with a quickly prayed Act of Contrition.  Miss Fluke was invited to speak before a congressional committee determining whether Simon Cowell made the right choice firing Paula Abdul from The X-Factor.  ...

Guilt Works.       Just ask your mother.  How else was she able to keep you in line for so many years?       That's why, when I was asked to speak before the new City Hall-convened group of 24 officials who make up the Strategic Communications Task Force, I pushed hard for El Paso to promote itself using guilt as its main selling point.      "Guilt," I said in my best Gordon Gekko impersonation, "is good.  If we want to market El Paso to potential tourists and relocating businesses we need to market it using guilt."      I was laughed out of the room.      "We weren't laughing at you, Jim," Morris Pittle of El Paso's Two Ton Creativity told me later.  "We were laughing with you."      I don't know.  It sure felt like they were laughing at me.  No matter.  They laughed at Dr. Frankenstein, too, and look at what he accomplis...

"Thank you, Miss Kagan, for your honesty during this hearing, and let me remind you that you are still under oath."      "Thank you, senator."      "Correct me if I'm wrong, but it is Miss Kagan, is it not?  You are not currently married, are you?  To a man, that is."      "No, I am not, senator, but I don't see how my personal life is relevant here.  I'd much rather talk about my stand on the abortion issue."      "I'll decide what's relevant, Miss Kagan.  I'm looking at a picture of you, ah, playing softball.  Are you now, or have you ever been a 'softball' player?"       "I don't recall, senator.  If pressed, I would have to say that I am not."      "I see, I see.  Well, do you recall what kind of women play softball?"      "I would say that ahtletic women play softball, senator."   ...