American Chimpanzee

My wife wanted to take my 11 year-old daughter to see the documentary Bully .  It's about a kid, or kids, getting picked on by other kids.      "Over my dead body," I told her.  There was no room for debate in the tone of my voice.      "But why?" she asked.  She knew I was serious, but she thought that maybe she could change my mind.  "It's supposed to be a good movie."      "In the first place," I explained, I'm not Michael Corleone, after all.  "In the first place, it's not a movie, it's a documentary, and I'm not in the mood to take a nap.  In the second place, I don't want my little girl to see a documentary about losers."      I know what you're thinking.  You're thinking I'm being harsh, that I'm a jerk.  Or worse.  But hear me out.  I've seen the trailers for it.  Some poor kid who looks different than the rest of the kids is being picke...

I was graciously putting up with an obnoxious relative who was visiting from out of town.  I'll call her Connie, since that's her name.  Connie was born and raised in El Paso, but left because "there's nothing to do."  To her, the only things worth doing are always somewhere else.      "Connie," I told her, "did you ever think the problem may not be El Paso.  Maybe you're the prob..."      "Jim," my wife diplomatically broke in, "why don't you and the kids take the dog out for a walk?"      So that's what I did.  I took Cody, Connie's 11 year-old son, my 8 year-old daughter, and Buster out for a walk.  The area I live in is still somewhat undeveloped, so we went out into the desert, away from civilization, and let Buster off his leash.  I handed a ball to Cody.      "Throw it as far as you can," I told him.      "Okay...  but this is boring."...

Sofia Vergara, the beautiful and sexy--if I'm allowed to express that opinion (These are confusing times we live in, my friend.  You can hire a woman because she's drop-dead gorgeous, but you're not suppose to acknowledge it in any way.  Just ask Ines Sainz.)--actress from the hit TV sitcom Modern Family was recently quoted in USA Weekend, a magazine supplement in the Sunday edition of the El Paso Times, that she thought "times have changed, and it's so great that people have accepted (diversity), and it shows that as a family you have to learn to respect and tolerate each other."      On the other hand, Dr. Laura Schlessinger--the hideous (my opinion), humorless (my opinion), and probably great in bed--would disagree.  Dr. Laura may be an allegedly evil harridan, but on her soon-to-be-no-more radio program she has often articulated the opinion that it is moral and, indeed, even critical to stand in judgement of your fellow man and wo -man. ...

From:  The Office of Charles Edgren, Editorial Page Editor of the El Paso Times To:  Robert Moore        As per your request, I looked into Dear Abby and Hints From Heloise, and I strongly advise against including them in our fine newspaper.  Using my superior investigative reporting abilities, I was able to uncover that "Dear" and "Abby" are not the advise comumnist's first and last name, respectively.  Her name is actually "Abigail Van Buren," and she does not now, nor has she ever existed.  As for Heloise, she died years ago.  I don't know what they're up to, or if they're part of the George Zimmerman/Secret Service Prostitution conspiracy, but I'm determined to find out.  Also, I'm on the verge of a breakthrough on Mr. Clean.  Response?                       From:  The Office of Robert Moore, Ed...

My fifteen year-old daughter, Marie, just recently became a cheerleader in the high school she attends, and, while I am truly proud, I must say I have some problems with how I--as her overly protective father--might react at one of her games.      "What are YOU looking at?" I might say at the very first football game I go to with her cheering her team on.  "Keep your eyes on the game, buddy, and off the cheerleaders."      "But how can I sell these hot dogs, sir, if my eyes are on the game?"      "Don't get smart with me. buddy!  I'll hit you so hard your unborn children will cry!"      "...y...yessir..."      "That's right, everybody keeps their eyes on the field and nobody gets hurt.  The game's where the action's at.  Hey, you!  Yeah, you!  Think dressing in black makes you look cool?  Think I won't notice you eyeballing the cheerleaders?  I...

Driving in El Paso stinks.      I was driving behind a car with New Mexican plates when I saw the flashing lights behind me.  The driver from New Mexico was going ten miles under the speed limit--as they are legally required to do in their home state--and, as a result, so was I.  I pulled over, and the cop pulled in right behind me.  He got out of his cruiser and walked over to where I sat.      "Is there a problem, officer?" I asked, and the world went so black David Chase could have ended The Sopranos with it.      I stumbled into consciousness who knows how much time later.  I gingerly put a hand on the side of my neck where I had been tazered.  Looking around, I recognized where I was, even though I had never been here before.  It was The Star Chamber.  A dark, almost barren room where humor column writers were brought to be judged for their truthful fabrications.  Art B...

It was an honor to be invited to the White House's annual Easter egg hunt.  Once there, my kids immediately began running and jumping across the beautiful lawn.  We were ready for a good time.      I walked over to grab something to drink and ran into my old friend, Barack Obama.  The man who once saved my life in 'Nam.      "Mr. President," I said, respectfully.      "Jim," the President greeted me warmly, "I'm glad you made it.  Can I get you something?  Bartender, water.  For both of us."      "Yes, sir," Vice-President Biden said.      Water?  That was it?  I couldn't believe it.  Disbelief became shock when I saw the bartender fill our glasses from the water hose.      President Obama could see the surprise on my face.      "Blame the economy," he explained.  "Everybody's cutting back." ...

I hadn't expected a call from Robert Moore, editor of the El Paso Times and Inter-Continental Champion of last year's WWE's SummerSlam, but it was good to hear from my old comrade-in-arms.  We first worked together in the late 60's for the Washington Post under the psuedonyms Carl Bernstein and Bob Woodward.  Not only was Moore a good investigative reporter, but he sure was catnip to the ladies.  I also knew his brother, Dinty, who went on to make a fortune in canned foods.  Like I said, it was good hearing from Robert, that is, until I found out why he was calling.      "Jim," he said, his voice urgent, "you've got to apologize."      "Apologize for what?"  He was starting to sound like my wife.  I continued clipping my nose hair.      "That humor column of yours that we printed.  As it turned out, people thought you were serious."      I was honestly surpris...

Everybody knows the story of Jesus Christ, and how Pontius Pilate, the praefectus of Judaea, gave his Jewish subjects the choice between freeing Him or His fellow death-row inmate, Barabbas, in a prevailing Passover custom that allowed Pilate to commute the death sentence of one prisoner.  The praefectus did this by popular acclaim, and, as a result, the Jews chose Barabbas.  But what people don't know is  why the Jews chose Barabbas over Jesus.       One theory, which most Bible scholars dismiss, is that since Barabbas' first name was also Jesus, Pontius Pilate got confused over whose name the Jews were calling out.      "My Jewish subjects, I give you Jesus of Nazareth and Jesus Barabbas.  Whom shall I free?" Pilate yelled at the crowd, and, looking down, noticed his hands were dirty.  "Man," he thought to himself, "first chance I get, I've got to wash my hands."    ...