American Chimpanzee

I have a plan.      I have a plan to revitalize Downtown El Paso, and it won't cost you, the taxpayer, one penny of the money you've worked so hard to squander.       It won't cost you $55 million to build a baseball stadium nobody wants for a Triple-A baseball team we may not get.  The only people who seem excited about wasting our money are the ones with access to our wallets, not anybody I've actually met or talked to.  Heck, the average El Pasoan doesn't even support the sports teams we do have, so I don't see a tsunami of enthusiasm for any sports team we don't have.  I'd say the average El Pasoan is as interested in acquiring another baseball team as the next guy, as long as the next guy is someone who isn't interested in acquiring another baseball team.       It won't cost you $3.5 million a year to lease office space for our various government agencies that will have to relocate whe...

I couldn't help but read in the El Paso Times newspaper that Afghanistan's president, Hamid Karzai, is complaining that the United States failed to consult with him before we launched an airstrike against our enemies in his country.      "How can I warn the Taliban you're attacking," he whined like a baby, "if you do not let me know in advance?"      $20 billion in his bank account later, he learned to forgive and forget.      Meanwhile, in New York City, a Hasidic Jew is complaining that he was kicked out of the police academy for refusing to trim his beard.  Man, these Middle Eastern-types really know how to complain.  You would think they were soccer players.       Former recruit, Fishel Litzman, was fired after several confrontations with the NYC police department over the length of his whiskers.      "What kind of a name is Fishel?" h...

A vitriolic, to the point of being just plain nasty, series of comments on Facebook has the Department of Public Safety patrolling the house of state Rep. Marisa Marquez from El Paso, Texas.      Tom Vinger, a spokesman for the DPS, said, "We have to put everything else on the back burner.  Child molesters, women abusers, jay walkers...  all that stuff is unimportant compared to this."  His statement was punctuated by his ignoring of a man on fire running around wildly behind him.      A state trooper was parked outside the house of the El Paso state lawmaker since Thursday, sometimes only being seen by the glow of his cell phone light, when Rep. Marquez reported a conversation on the social networking website that she felt crossed the line from political criticism to "really getting my goat."       The comments were posted on the Facebook page of Alejandro Guzman, who l...

On June 16th, in El Paso, there will be a nationally televised boxing championship match between Julio Cesar Chavez and Andy "Not-Related-To-Bruce" Lee.      There's been a lot of controversy, not about the fight itself, but because, back in April, University of Texas System Chancellor Francisco G. Cigarroa stopped the match from happening at the Sun Bowl Stadium, citing security concerns.  When asked to cite his concerns, the Chancellor said, "Hey, I'M the Chancellor.  I don't have to cite nothing."       "Could you please speak into the microphone?"      "Uh, did I say it was off?  What I meant to say was that--HEY!  What's that ?"      And--BAM!--he was gone.       So the fight will be in El Paso, after all.       Cigarroa later released a video, and, you know what?  I still don't think Kim Kardashian is all th...

What a great time I had at the Queen of England's Diamond Jubilee.      Of course, I wasn't invited.  I've been persona non grata since the time the Queen and I snuck off to Tijuana.  We didn't come back for four days.  Man, that lady can party.  When we finally made it back to England, I had to leave her passed out in a shopping cart at the front gate of her castle.       So, anyway, I just decided to crash the Jubilee.      The whole extravagant affair reminded me of when I was invited to the royal wedding between Prince William and Kate Middleton.  Unfortunately, I couldn't make it.  I had jury duty that day.      Prince Charles was upset, but he's been upset at me ever since he found out I knew Lady Di before she was a lady.      Years later, after his divorce, he called to ask me to perform the marriage ...

In a stunning upset that made national news, former El Paso City Rep. Beto O'Rourke beat U.S. Rep. Silvestre Reyes, who was trying to do his best impression of a political barnacle, in the 16th Congressional race.       When they heard the news, O'Rourke's campaign staff hoisted him into the air, chanted "Beto!  Beto!  Beto!", and then doused him with champagne, the drink of the common man.      Meanwhile, in another part of town, Reyes' supporters looked worried as the elections results came in.  Reyes no sooner stepped off the elevator, than he was given the bad news by a staff member.  His friendly smile quickly turned upside down, and he hastily stepped back into the elevator.  Then he stepped back out.  Then he stepped back in.  Then he put his right foot out.  He put his right foot in.  He put his right foot out, and he shook it all about.  He did the...

With the recent elections, I'm reminded of the Senate race in Connecticut of just a few years back between Richard Blumenthal and Linda McMahon.      Richard Blumenthal was the eventual winner, but what made the race interesting was Mrs. McMahon.  She's the ex-CEO of World Wrestling Entertainment (the WWE).  Her style was was more used car dealer, than politician.      "Hi," she said in one ad, where she came out riding a hippopotamus.  "I'm Linda McMahon, and this is my dog Spot  I'll eat a bug for your vote."      In the one debate between them that I had the misfortune of watching, I half wondered if I was watching Jackass 3D by mistake.  It was obvious that Blumenthal felt superior to the wife of the WWE's head hookah, Vince McMahon.  After all, Mrs. McMahon was a woman whose job as CEO sometimes required her to kick her to kick her husband in the groin.  A job, I might add, my ex...