American Chimpanzee

Congratulations to the El Paso Times for being the One Millionth! news outlet to refer to James "Not-Johnny" Holmes as The Joker, Batman's greatest villain, instead of as the broken selfish little creep that he actually is.      "This makes it all worthwhile," the Aurora, Colorado murderer said when he was informed of this milestone by the Public Defender assigned to him (and paid for by you and I, my friend).  "Before this, I was a loser, a nobody.  Now I'm...  The Joker! So I'd like to thank the media for making my fondest dream come true."      When asked how he liked prison, Holmes rubbed his backside gingerly and said, "Prison's not so bad, as long as you don't mind the anal rape."      Apparently, my worst prison nightmare is James Holmes' idea of a good date.      In the end, the joke was on Holmes.  In an attempt to look like his fantasy boyfriend, he dyed his...

It's nowhere near November, and I'm already tired of the Presidential elections.       I'm especially tired of Donald Trump mouthing off about it.  Do you ever think that Donald Trump is what the homeless imagine what a rich guy is like?  I look at Trump, and somehow I get the impression that Richie Rich was his mentor and role model.  When he makes a decision, do you think he first asks himself what that Mr. Moneybags character from the Monopoly game would do? Or Scrooge McDuck?      Speaking of Mr. Moneybags, it's too bad we can't elect him President.  I bet he could do something about the economy.  I'm not stupid, I know a fictional character can't be elected President, but doesn't it seem that that's exactly what we do every four years?      As I write this, they're reporting that the six heirs of the Wal-Mart fortune have more money than the bottom 41% of the 99%.  Where's the j...

El Paso's hard up for cash.  I understand that.  Nobody's writing songs about us any more.  Marty Robbins has died, and so has the taxpayer's desire to pay more taxes.  The only time I hear El Paso mentioned in the national news is when the news is bad.      El Paso's too fat.  Too sweaty.  Too ugly.  And that's just our City Council.      Hard choices have to be made...  and I'm just the guy to make them.      One idea I've had, and I know I'll have some opposition on this, is that we feed the animals at the Zoo the cats and dogs that aren't adopted from the Humane Society.  Feeding the animals at the Zoo is expensive, and we need to cut the cost of that somehow.  Likewise, the Humane Society.      I don't want to hear any complaints about my idea from the people who haven't bothered to adopt a dog or a cat, which is, um, just about everyb...

Give it to them?  What are you?  Deaf?      That's right, I said give it to them.       Giving Downtown El Paso to the gay community's gotta be cheaper than blowing $200 million of our tax dollars on what I see as a money pit of an idea that seems geared to make the rich richer, and the poor...  well, let's just say the poor will have to eat their cereal with a fork so they can pass on the leftover milk to the next person when they're done.      I asked Mayor Cook about it when I ran into him at the recent Gay Pride Parade, where he was looking mighty real, I must say.  I never knew he was a fan of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert.      "Well, at least we'll be able to use our new baseball stadium's parking lot for free when we're busy spending our money Downtown, won't we, Mr. Mayor?"      "What do you mean your stadium?" th...