American Chimpanzee

when hell is full the dead will walk the earth   I have nightmares.      It's been years, and I still have nightmares.      It all began with a simple phone call from President Obama. And when Obama calls, I jump. It's the least I can do for the man who once saved my life in 'Nam. But this particular phone call caught me by surprise.      "I want you to go to Pakistan," he told me, smoothly. "You're the only one I can trust to verify that Osama bin Laden is dead."      "Of course he's dead," I answered. "We've both seen the video."      I paused... and then we both broke up laughing at the same time. Video. What a joke.      "And don't worry," he assured me. "Your little, ah, 'problem' in the Middle East has been smoothed over."      That's Obama for you. Mr. Smooth. And that's how I found myself ba...

Thank God the debates are over.      The demands the two presidential candidates were making for each of the debates were driving me nuts. You see, I'M the Walt Disney of the political world. I'm in charge of making their dreams come true.      For example, while President Obama insisted that there be no brown M&Ms in his candy bowl, Governor Romney insisted just as forcefully that he receive all the brown M&Ms that Obama discarded.      Like I said, these bozos drive me nuts.      The last of the presidential debates was held at Lynn College, proudly named after Ginger Lynn, a legend in the hallowed halls of academia. Many a college professor has pulled an all-nighter contemplating the beautiful simplicity of Ginger's mathmatical theorum: 2 d + 1 v = dp.      The college is located in the city of Boca Raton, Florida. Did you know "Boca Raton" is Spanish ...

As a faux member of the Advisory Committee reporting to the FDA, I felt it was my duty to inform them that, while genetically engineered salmon appears to be safe, more testing would be needed before I, in good conscience, could approve it.      "When you're dealing with the public's safety it's better to err on the side of caution. Do the math," I insisted, "do the math."      AquaBounty Technologies, Inc., the developer of the would-be country's first genetically engineered food animal, made it clear to me that they were "unpleased" with my stipulation, and offered to give me a personal tour of their facilities. When I hesitated, they also made it clear to me that I did not have a choice.      I must admit, I was very impressed with what I saw when I got there. The whole farm looked very clean and state-of-the-art.      "See that," my guide pointed to a randomly selected room. "We even have c...

     "Yay! Obama won the debate!"      "Yay! Romney won the debate!"      "No, Obama won the debate!"      "No, Romney won the debate!"      "Obama won the debate!"      "Romney won the debate!"      "Obama won!"      "Romney won!"      "Obama won!"      "Romney won!"      "Obama won!"      "Romney won!"      "Obama won!"      "Romney won!"      "Obama won!"      "Romney won!'      "Obama!"      "Romney!"      "Obama!"      "Romney!"      "Obama!"      "Romney!"      "Obama!"      "Romney!" ...

NOTICE*   Persons attempting to find originality in this narrative will be prosecuted; persons attempting to find ingenuosity in it will be banished; persons attempting to find other big words that they don't understand but pretend they do will be shot. BY ORDER OF THE AUTHOR Per G. G., CHIEF OF ORDNANCE.     Martha Razmataz, the 2012 Vice Presidential debate moderator, welcomed Democrat Vice President Joe Biden and Republican vice-presidential candidate Rep. Paul Ryan to Centre College in Danville, Kentucky for their one and only debate. Centre College is well-known in the halls of acadamia for not knowing the correct spelling of the word "center."      Biden eyed Ryan cautiously. The challenger had a conservative air about him that ate into the Vice President's vitals.The more Biden stared at the young upstart, the older and less-relevant he seemed to himself. Neither man spoke. If one moved, the other m...

P is for Psycho      Don't let Norman get too chummy R is for poor Ramses      You know him as the Mummy E is for the Evil      In Dr. Jekyll's drink S is for Lord Satan      A Republican, I think I is for the Invisible Man      Who challenges your sight D is for Count Dracula      He'll love you at first bite E is for Elm Street      Where Freddy likes to play N is for Nightfall      The Wolfman's favorite time of day T is for the Tortured Souls      Burning sinfully in Hell O is for the Opera      Where the Phantom likes to dwell B is for Bigfoot      A wookie gave him birth A is for Space Aliens      Who've come to conquer Earth M is for the Monster      Dr. Frankenstein's his pop And A... well, A is fo...