American Chimpanzee

Dear God,      The world is a big place, and it's filled with billions and billions of people, but You know as well as I do that the world doesn't need most of them. Most of the people in the world are just annoying, and the rest of us would be better off without them.      I understand that this is the season to be jolly, but how jolly can we be when we have to deal with people who get our goat on a daily basis? So I ask You, dear Lord, to answer my following prayer: please, Please, PLEASE get rid of all the jerks, low-lifes, and mentally unambitious idiots who do nothing more than take up space in this world and use up perfectly good oxygen.      No more people, Lord, who don't decide what they want at a fast food restaurant until they get to the front of the line. This especially irks me at McDonald's. McDonald's serves hamburgers. And fries. What's so difficult?      We don't need people like that,...

Well, I did it. I was able to get my little girl the hottest Christmas toy du jour of the season. The stores were all sold out, it wasn't available online, but I was able to get my hands on one with only less than 12 hours to spare.      I won't tell you how. All I'll tell you is: who needs two kidneys? Just ask comedian George Lopez's wife, who was generous enough to lovingly give her husband one of hers just before he dumped her. I don't blame George for divorcing her. Who wants to be married to a woman with only one kidney? But I digress...      No, the toy in question wasn't Sesame Street's new Tickle-My-Tonsils Elmo doll, that would be in poor taste. No, I got the The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo doll, with removable piercings and changeable tattoos. Eyebrows are optional. My little girl is five years-old. She'll love it.      And now that the hustle and bustle of the holidays are over, and all that's left is pretending ...

It's A Wonderful Life Somewhere... in the cosmos... "You sent for me, sir? "Yes, Clarence. A man down on Earth needs our help." "Spendid! Maybe then, sir, maybe then I'll get my wings?" The notorious drug lord, Scarface, lay dying. Shot in the back by the hitman sent by his enemies. In the distance he could see the mountain of cocaine piled on his desk. It looked comical to him now.      His vision slowly began to fade as his life poured out of him in a red, warm liquid. Fading... fading... and then miraculously clear!      "Hi, I'm Clarence," a jovial voice said, as a white-haired old coot slid into view above him. Scarface's eyes blinked. He felt his chest. There were no wounds, no blood, but... but that was impossible. His mind felt sharp, crystal clear. Sobriety, he laughed at the irony, felt better than any drug.      The old man helped him up.      "Who are you?" Scarf...

As an urban militant straight outta Compton--and who also just happens to be gay--I've gotta shout out loud how incredibly racist I find the white songwriting community to be for ignoring the black holiday of Kwanzaa. This ancient tradition, which dates back to pre-Tupac times, is due reparations for this blatant disrespect. Reparations, that is, in the form of holiday Kwanzaa songs. You can keep your forty acres and a mule, you racist muthafathas.      Kwanzaa, or "Kill Whitey," is from the African language of... um, from the original... ah, who am I kidding? "Kwanzaa" is a made-up word that's meant to be African-sounding. I think we succeeded.      The above paragraph reminds me of the movie Skin Games, starring James Garner and Louis Gossett Jr. It takes place pre-Civil War, and Gossett, who plays a free black man, is sold over and over again as a slave in a money-making scam. Toward the end of the movie, he makes up African-soundin...

I got home from work the other night and saw my little girl watching the holiday classic Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer.      I grimaced.      I'm not saying that particular Christmas special is bad (which it is), I'm just saying the only thing worse was listening to Miley Cyrus sing Nirvana's Smells Like Teen Spirit. And the only thing worse than that is watching her dance to it. Don't believe me? Check it out for yourself on YouTube. Anyway...      I sat down and watched it with her. Why? Because that's what Dads who love their little girls do. As my mind wandered and my eyes glazed over, once again I was reminded of that time, not so long ago, I met a brave little pig.      I drove down to a farm in the lower valley of El Paso, because I had heard farmers tended to have attractive daughters with liberal ideas about hospitality, but, instead of a daughter, this farmer had a pig. The pig was missing th...

When President Obama calls, I jump.      It's the least I can do for the man who once saved my life in 'Nam.      And that's how I found myself conducting the orientation for the incoming freshman class of legislators. I met with them on the Sunday after the election, and quickly began my spiel.      "This is the Capital Hill cafeteria, but you won't be eating here. What you'll do is go to any four- or five-star restaurant where lobbyists will be eagerly waiting to buy you lunch, and the best part is you get the tip.      "Once you take office you'll be assigned a personal receptionist. She'll make sure that your constituents will in no way be able to get in contact with you.      "On a similar note, you will be assigned a stretch limousine. The windows will be tinted extra dark, so you can conduct the people's business in private with enthusiastic interns. You'll also be assigned a ...