American Chimpanzee

Our heads may have bumped, but I still have to give credit where credit is due.      I found newspaper reporter Marty Schladen's article in the El Paso Times about the first domino to fall in El Paso's continuing public-corruption scandal to be a fascinating and scintillating piece of investigative journalism, and I'm not just saying that to avoid a potential lawsuit.      I reference the head bump, because the last time I heard from Marty Schladen was when he angrily chastised me for making fun of the alleged Batman Theater mass-murderer's lack of penis size. (See A Pathetic Little Nobody [Parts One, Two, and Three] , posted back on 7-28-12. Don't read it if you have delicate sensibilities, no sense of humor, or think Hitler was misunderstood.) I guess he felt I was supposed to be sensitive to someone who cold-bloodedly shot and murdered innocent men, women, and children. The dead ARE dead, after all. The wounded, ...

Hard Core Advice From Hard Core's Hardest Core... John Leslie Dear John,      My brother just got engaged. He and his girlfriend have two kids. Usually, this is a happy time for families, but eight months ago, my brother's fiancee cheated on him.      At that time, my brother decided to keep his family together and work things out, which I greatly admire, but I just found out that his fiancee is still talking, emailing, and texting the guy she cheated with. My brother still wants the wedding to go on, and wants the rest of us to mind our own business.      I really think this is a bad decision for my brother. I worry his girlfriend will continue to cheat and hurt him over and over again. Do I say something, or keep my mouth shut?      Hurting Dear Hurting,      There is an old saying in our industry: If you keep your mouth shut... you won't make a...

Everybody knows the story of Jesus Christ, and how Pontius Pilate, the praefectus of Judea, gave his Jewish subjects the choice between freeing Him or His fellow death-row inmate, Barabbas, in a prevailing Passover custom that allowed Pilate to commute the death sentence of one prisoner. The praefectus did this by popular acclaim, and, as a result, the Jews chose Barabbas. But what people don't know is why the Jews chose Barabbas over Jesus.      One theory, which most Bible scholars dismiss, is that, since Barabbas' first name was also Jesus, Pontius Pilate got confused over whose name the Jews were calling out.      "My Jewish subjects, I present to you Jesus of Nazareth and Jesus Barabbas! Whom shall I free?" Pilate yelled at the crowd, and, looking down, noticed his hands were dirty. Man , he thought to himself, first chance I get, I've got to wash my hands.      "Jesus!" the crowd yelled back. "We want Jesus...

Newspaper reporter Cindy Ramirez wrote a very informative and entertaining article in this past Monday's edition of the El Paso Times (3-18-13). It came out on the front page, so it must have been important, because, as we all know, the front page is where only the most important information is located, like the price of the paper.      The first line of her article, "The parking wars are about to begin," gave the whole reading experience such a sense of urgency that I almost read the entire thing. I got to the third paragraph, which explained how after the Triple-A minor league baseball stadium is built, and Downtown El Paso develops as a result, and other businesses begin to open up in the area, and maybe we'll see a higher quality of prostitutes, that parking will become "more of a commodity."      That's pretty much as far as I got. Not because the article wasn't very good--it was--it's just that I was anxi...

Chapter One     Was Jesus married?     Chapter Two     No.     The End         I was surprised to see the name of an old flame of mine, Karen L. King, in a newspaper article by Nicole Winfield of the Associated Press. I was  surprised to discover that Ms. King is now a professor of early Christianity at Harvard Divinity School, and that she claims a Coptic papyrus fragment, that was supposedly recently discovered and translated, apparently says, "Jesus said to them, 'My wife..."      I knew Ms. King back in our college days, where she was captain of the university's cheerleading squad and I was busy playing the field. She was voted Miss Congeniality by the football team, and didn't mind being referred to as 'miss' back then.      This is "the first known statement that explicitly claims that Jesus had [a] wife," she was quoted as saying...

"Mayor Cook, what are YOU doing here?"      I was walking into the bathroom at El Paso's soon-to-be-no-more City Hall when I bumped into him. I was there to pay my Excessive Oxygen Use fee. He was dressed in gray coveralls and busy cleaning the mirror over the sink with some paper towels. He held a plastic spray bottle with a clear blue liquid in his hand.      "I work here," he answered, and then vigorously went to work cleaning the sink using the same supplies. "Got to get this place all spiffied up for the demolition."      He was talking about the upcoming demolition of our perfectly good City Hall, and I guess he was cleaning up the way my wife cleans our house before the maid comes.      I couldn't argue with what he said (Well, I could , but what would be the point?), so I took the opportunity to ask him instead about the hike in city fees that are being consider...

Well, as everybody knows by now, the conclave of Catholic cardinals have elected their new Pope. Pope Francis the First is the first Jesuit Pope and the first Pope in over a thousand years to have not been from a European country.      When I broke the news to President Obama, he was quick to jump to the wrong conclusion.      "I'm truly honored," he humbly told me, "but nobody deserves it more than I do. I deserve it the way I deserved my Nobel Peace Prize and Time Magazine's Man of the Year award."      It broke my heart to tell the man who once saved my life in 'Nam that it was an Italian--an Italian by way of Latin America, that is--who was actually elected to the highest office in the Catholic Church. The President was quick to shrug it off. I know he was disappointed, but life goes on. He had Republicans to ignore, after all.      Personally, I think the Pres...

Well, as I've already told you, I took advantage of the Vatican's early voting to cast my vote for the next Pope of the Holy Catholic Church. I voted for President Obama, the man who once saved my life in 'Nam. I know it sounds crazy, especially since he's not even Catholic, but I think he'd make a fine Pontiff.      When you think about it, it's not so far-fetched. He was elected to the Senate of the United States without actually having done anything. And then he was elected President of the United States without actually having done anything. And then he was immediately awarded the Nobel Peace Prize without actually having done anything. And, most recently, Time magazine voted him their Man of the Year without his actually having done anything.      Pope Obama the First! Kind of has a nice ring to it, doesn't it?      Interestingly enough, having to divorce his wife, since the Pope isn't allowed to be marr...

When President Obama calls, I jump. It's the least I can do for the man who once saved my life in 'Nam. But even I must admit that he caught me by surprise with his latest request, and, no, I'm not talking about a round of golf with Tiger Woods.      "Jim," he told me, "I need you to condense The Ten Commandments down to, ah, one? "      It seemed an interesting challenge, but I wondered why.      "It's this whole sequester thing," he told me. "The United States of America can no longer afford ten of anything, much less the commandments, what with all these automatic cuts coming in."      So I thought I'd give it a shot.      But which commandments should I use? The Jewish ones? The Protestant ones? I decided to go with the Catholic ones, because they're so much shorter. Don't believe me? Fine, I'll prove it to you. Take, for example, the Second Commandment. It goes: II. ...

My El Paso.      I think those are three very powerful and personal words are a great start in getting the citizens of El Paso to define their own city.      However...      I must admit that when I read that phrase I felt it sounded a bit too standoffish and exclusionary. Kind of like when a two year old says: "MY blankie!" "MY dollie!" MY El Paso. But now, now I see the genius of it. Reverse psychology. What a concept!      The best way to make something valuable is to make it rare. A rock that you pick up from the ground has no value, but shine it up, call it a diamond, price it outrageously, and, all of a sudden you've created a demand for it. This demand usually comes from individuals who are as dumb as said rocks, but, fortunately, there are plenty of those kind of individuals around. They are as plentiful as, well, rocks on the ground.      To make someone want something all y...

My father used to tell me, "You'll see, you'll see." It was his answer to every contradictory statement I ever made to him. Now that I'm older... I still don't see.      There are a lot of things I didn't know about getting old, and no one bothered to warn me about them or explain them to me. For example, I didn't know that my bending over to pick something up would ever depend on just what it is that needs picking up. I guess you could say that the older you get, the harder it is to make ends meet, such as the ends of your fingers meeting the ends of your toes.      Just the other day, I dropped my glasses on the floor and my wife wasn't around to pick them up for me, so I took a twenty dollar bill out of my wallet, tossed it on the ground, and then I picked them both up. If you think I was going to bend over for something I didn't need at that moment, you're crazy. You see, by the time we learn to watch our s...

My El Paso.       Those three words are powerful and personal... and sure are similar to my two-word suggestion of over four years ago. El Paso! (insert main selling point here)      Oh, sure, I understand that no one has a copyright on the name "El Paso," except for maybe Marty Robbins, but the concept is similar.  Begin with the name of our city, add the word "my" to the beginning of it or an exclamation point to the end, stir in something positive, and-- bam! --instant advertising slogan. My El Paso... is the safest city in America.   El Paso! The Safest City In America!   My El Paso... is known for how friendly its people are.   El Paso! The Friendliest City In The World!   My El Paso... has the best Mexican food.   El Paso! The Best Mexican Food In The Universe!   My El Paso... was once visited by Barack Obama.   El Paso! The Barack Obama Of Cities! ...

I'm not getting old. I'm ALREADY old.      I just realized it this morning. You see, I had to get up especially early because I was going to go have some bloodwork done.      "Aren't you going to shower?" my wife asked, as I got out of bed, brushed my teeth, and put on my clothes from the day before.      "Do I stink?" I asked her.      "No."      "Then I'll shower when I get back," I told her, putting on a baseball cap. I didn't want to comb my hair either.      As I drove to the place where I was going to have my arm puntured and my blood siphoned out, I looked down at my feet and I saw something I swore I would never see: black dress socks with white ahtletic shoes.      Say what?      When I was a much younger guy I remember seeing old coots walking around with shorts that were too big, skinny legs that...