American Chimpanzee

1) She reminds you of Amy Fisher without the gun.   2) You rent a porno for your bachelor party and she's the star.   3) When she goes to a restaurant, she doesn't leave the waiter a tip, she leaves him her phone number.   4) She keeps telling you, "I like my men like I like my coffee," and you're not African-American.   5) When you quote Will Rogers' "I never met a man I didn't like" to her, she goes, "I know exactly what you mean."   6) Your name is Mitch, and she tells you her new nickname for you is Chuck.   7) Whenever she goes to the bathroom, she doesn't come back for hours...   8) ... and she's wearing a different dress.   9) She french-kisses your dad.   10) She french-kisses your mom!   11) Your grandfather has her on speed-dial.   12) So does your grandmother!   13) The circus comes to town. Just to say hello.   14) You wonder why Rosie ...

Hard Core Advice From Hard Core's Hardest Core... John Leslie Dear John,      I need help, and I don't know where to turn. I am divorced and have a 37 year-old son who has never married. He lives on his own, except when he's in trouble. Then he moves back in with me.      The problem is my son is a liar, and has been ever since he was a teenager. He even lies when telling the truth would be better for him. I punished him every way I knew how when he was growing up, but nothing worked.      My son has been in trouble with the law, and is now in trouble again. Of course, he tells me he's innocent. I got him out on bond, and offered to get him help, but he refused, so I told him there would be no more money from me, and I no longer want to hear his lies. And then he talked me out of an additional hundred for lunch "and expenses."      I don't know why he's the way he is. He's extremely good-looking, a...

Almost immediately after the second Boston Marathon murderer, 19 year-old Dzhokhar Tsarnaev, was captured, the news media began making excuses for him and setting up his defense.      "He's only 19."      "He was influence by his older brother."      "How would YOU like to live with the name Dzhokhar Tsarnaev?"      Why all this sympathy for the cold-blooded young killer? I have no idea. An early morning radio co-hostess implored her listening audience to have compassion for him.      "He's so young ," she pleaded.      Fortunately, the actual host of the program, being a guy, showed a little more common sense.      "He may be 19," he reminded her, "but he still knows the difference between right and wrong."      I agree. For all we know, the surviving brother was the mastermind of this terroristic a...

More than my close personal friendship with President Obama--the man who once saved my life in 'Nam. More than my Pulitzer Prize, which I once imagined could make for a good bludgeon for an aggravating ex-wife.* Even more than my seven Olympic Gold Medals and one Nobel Peace Prize** for humor. More than all that is this: My 200th post on my Aw, Nuts! blog site. An achievement, I might add, which coincides with another amazing milestone:      My TWO MILLIONTH HIT!      I consider this the greatest accomplishment in my life. A life, I might add, that's been incredibly well-lived. You haven't lived until you've wrestled a bull to the ground on the streets of Pamplona, Spain . Or dodged the bullets of vicious drug lords in the alleys of Juarez, Mexico just for fun. Or caught something that, fortunately, could be cured with a shot of penicillin, in the brothels of Viet Nam with your best friend whose name you can't mention because he's ...

Whatever happened to the United States?      At one time we were the baddest munkafunkas on the planet, and we fought the biggest, evilest villains in the world.      Adolph Hitler in Germany, who exterminated six million Jews just for looking at him cross-eyed. Hitler almost brought the world to it's knees. His only mistake was partnering up with Italy. If you want to lose a world war, make sure Italy is on your side.      Khrushchev in Russia, who, with Cuba's Fidel Castro secured firmly in his hip pocket, almost started a nuclear world war. Thank God for President Kennedy, who had some free time between episodes of cheating on his wife, and was able to bring the whole sordid affair to a peaceful conclusion. And thank God it was referred to as an affair, otherwise Kennedy might not have had any interest in it at all.      Where are men like JFK now, when we need...

I'll begin my commentary on the news from El Paso, by talking about the man who once saved my life in 'Nam, President Obama. I can't tell you how proud I am of him.      "Why?" you ask.      Hey, how about you let me do the reporting here.      The reason I'm so proud of my old brother-in-arms is that he's returning a whopping 5% of his salary back to the United States Treasury. So, for all you Obama-haters out there, let me do the math for you: Instead of being paid $400 thousand, he'll only be paid $380 thousand. It's a testimony to his superior monetary abilities that he's able to afford to send his girls to the Bahamas for Spring Break. If he can do that with his money, imagine what he can do with yours.      Now why would a loving, caring, responsible parent send his underage daughters to the Bahamas where there's a gaggle of drunken college student...

Hard Core Advice From Hard Core's Hardest Core... John Leslie Dear John,      I took a job at a local bookstore after my position as a special ed teacher was downsized. Now I have a "special ed" problem at work.      A woman comes in here once a week with her son, a mentally challenged adult. The son is big and heavy--okay, he's fat--and his mother is small and fragile. Every time they're here, the son has a meltdown. Today, he threw himself on the floor, blocking the checkout lines, and wouldn't get up.      I'm used to dealing with special needs kids in a school, but not with full-grown adults in a retail establishment. Would it be wrong to tell his mother we cannot accommodate her son in our store the next time they show up? I realize if we bar him, it makes us look mean, but we have a business to run.      A member of our staff suggested to the boss that we make them leave, but I advised agains...

I live in El Paso, Texas, and I read the El Paso Times morning newspaper.      Don't ask me why, but I came across the Friday (4-5-13) edition of the San Antonio Express-News newspaper, and I decided to read it. The news has been so bad for so long, even I'm not sure why I wanted to give myself a double-dose of it. Here are a few items that caught my attention:      The San Antonio River Authority is celebrating its 75th anniversary with a feature-length movie that they will show on Saturday... for free! I thought that was very generous of the SARA, whose initials happen to spell out the name of a girl I used to date who was also... for free! We do the same thing in El Paso. In fact, the last time I saw a free movie it was at Album Park on a very cold night. By the end of the picture, not only was Captain America frozen solid, but also half the audience. I read further down the article. The free movie the Authority was showing was a 70-m...

Buzz Adams, of KLAQ's morning radio show, told a funny story a while back. In fact, it was such a while back, that the much-missed Teresa Provencio was still his co-host. But that's neither here nor there. Well, it might be here, but it's definitely not there. Not even a little bit.      The story he told was about a thirty-two year-old man in a bar who was enticed by a woman to go outside for, apparently, a quick tryst. Unfortunately, it was not ecstasy that waited for him, but, instead, the woman's accomplice.      The victim made a break for it, but the only thing that stood between him and escape was his impaired sense of fashion. He wore his baggy jeans so low below his butt, that, when he tried to run, they fell to his ankles, tripping him. As a result, he was taken advantage of, and not in the fun way he had hoped for.      When I drop my teen-age daughter off at her high school, I see a number of teen-age boys dresse...

Hard Core Advice From Hard Core's Hardest Core... John Leslie Dear John,      I am 55 years-old and have worked at my job for 25 years. A couple of years ago, the company hired a 26 year-old guy. I have been patient, but I am reaching the end of my rope.      "Doofus" cannot remember what was said the minute he hangs up the phone. He doesn't pay attention to what he is doing. He lies all the time, and everybody know it. He takes on no new responsibilities, which drives me crazy. He just does his work, and then plays on the Internet when he's done. It seems like he's simply along for the ride.      I have asked him to do some menial tasks for me, thinking that he'd catch on, but he's not exactly grabbing the carrot, and I don't mean in the fun way. I don't think he cares one bit about anyone except himself.      Even though I am not his boss, I'd like to address this problem...

President Obama, the man who once saved my life in 'Nam, has been on the road trying to sell to the public his bold, new plan for gun control. Ol' Bama and I haven't always seen eye to eye on a lot of things, but I must say that in this instance I'm 100% behind him and what he calls his Barney Fife Gun Control Law.      As everybody knows, Barney Fife is America's most beloved and respected law enforcement officer. He served as Deputy to Mayberry, North Carolina's Sherriff Andy Taylor. Sadly, Deputy Fife is no longer with us. He transferred to the great Sherriff''s Department in the sky in a tragic nose-hair pulling accident.      Under Obama's new law, all gun owners will be allowed to own and carry as many guns as they want, but-- BUT! --they'll only be able to carry ONE bullet with them at any given time, and THAT bullet must be kept at all times in the front pocket of their shirt. Said pocket must be a...