American Chimpanzee

Hard Core Advise From Hard Core’s Hardest Core… John Leslie Dear John,                 Is there any connection between low vitamin D-3 levels (mine is 15) and weight gain? I recently caught the tail end of some doctor’s show on TV and I counted back:                 Summer of 2010, I started gaining weight. I was swimming a lot for exercise, and it was packing on pretty good. By fall, I was wearing “relaxed” jeans. My weight’s settled at 230 pounds, up from 170.                 In May, my D-3 had tested at 15. I was shocked. I already had a tan, and I was taking 1,000 IU daily, but I had been listless, useless, and just thought it was my age (I’m 85). It took more than six months to get it to 51, with me sometimes taking as much as 50,000 IU three times...

I was at last year's UFO Festival in Roswell, NM when it happened.       I remember waking up on a metal surgical table in a futuristic-looking operating room.  Some kind of alien creature stood in front of me.  He--for lack of a better word--was very thin, with long skinny arms and legs.  He had a huge bald head with two big eyes.  There was something familiar about him.      "Mayor Cook, is that you?" I asked.  It looked just like the former mayor of El Paso, TX.      The creature chuckled menacingly, reached up , and with long, delicate fingers pulled off its Mayor Cook mask.  I couldn't tell the difference.  I looked around.  There were two more of its kind, whatever its kind was.  They reminded me of The Three Stooges, but from outer space.      "Don't be afraid," the alien I thought of as Moe gently told me.  "We will not harm you." ...

Well, the fix is in, and we're down to the Final Five.      Names, that is.      True to their word, the fine people who are bringing Triple-A baseball to El Paso, are giving El Pasoans the opportunity to vote on the name of the team. It began with everybody having the same chance to submit their suggestion of what the name should be, and then ended up with the MountainStar Sports Gang whittling it down to the one they want, and four that are so crappy no one would be stupid enough to vote for them.      It could backfire, I suppose. The goof vote out there might actually vote in one of the names they don't want, but I doubt it. How can I be so sure?      Well, I'll let you be the judge.      The name I'm pretty sure they want to win is the El Paso Desert Gators, which I think is a pretty cool name, despite the fact that with there being no water in El Paso, there are certainly no al...

Hard Core Advise From Hard Core’s Hardest Core… John Leslie   Dear John,                 A dear friend of mine is pregnant, which is fantastic news… but she smokes. She has cut way down since she got pregnant, and I admire her for that. However...                 She is incredibly sensitive about it. When people ask her about her smoking habit, it makes her incredibly angry and actually seems to make her want to smoke more. She knows she needs to quit, so continually telling her that will not work.      What can I do that will encourage her to stop smoking, and not put her on the defensive.      --Anxious   Dear Anxious,                 I wouldn’t worry. In the Adult Film Industry, I’ve known “actre...

2013 NBA Finals Games Three   When Darius Rucker, formerly of the rock band Hootie & The Blowfish, failed to show up to sing the National Anthem, 11 year-old Sebastian De Las Cruz enthusiastically agreed to take his place. This is his story. The Little Mariachi Boy "Come," they told me. Pa rum pum pum pum "We're stuck with no Hootie." Pa rum pum pum pum "In traffic he's stuck, you see." Pa rum pum pum pum "And we can't start Game Three." Pa rum pum pum pum Rum pum pum pum Rum pum pum pum So, I decided to Pa rum pum pum pum Have some fun. Though I'm native American-can, I am Latino, too, Part Mexican-can. And singing's what I do. Pa rum pum pum pum Yes, my sombrero's new. Pa rum pum pum pum Rum pum pum pum Rum pum pum pum Still, aren't we brothers? Pa rum pum pum pum Ev'ryone. Then it started. Pa rum pum pum pum The racist jokes and...

There's a study out that says humans, as a species, are living longer, but are fatter and less healthy.      "Could this be true?" I wondered.      I decided to find out for myself, so I called one of my ex-wives for a series of tests. She showed up at my house finishing off a bucket of the Colonel's finest. I opened the door to find her using a drumstick like a toothpick. She stored the rest of the bones for later.      "They make good soup," she explained.      She lumbered inside the house, and I explained to her what I wanted to do and why. She agreed enthusiastically.      I tossed her a fish.      The first thing I had her do was sit on my scooter. The engine was running, but as soon as she sat on it I could no longer hear the rumbling of the motor. Hmmm, that was interesting.      "Okay," I told her, "you can get off it now."...

No More Rumsfeld's Rules        1) It's not the size of the dog in the fight. It's the size of the dick on the dog in the fight..      2) Katie Couric and Rachel Ray. Now that's two tons of fun!      3) I'm not saying I have a big ego. I'm just saying it graduated from high school a year before I did.      4) Before you release your sex-tape, make sure you get the other person's permission first.      5) Those Georgia O'Keefe flower paintings have always reminded me of something, but I've never been able to put my finger on it.      6) Always keep a gun in your pocket in case someone asks you, "Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?"      7) Sure, the smell of napalm in the morning might remind you of victory, but it's nothing compared to the smell of a decomposing body.      8...

Still More Rumsfeld's Rules           1) If I have seen far, it's because I have stood on the shoulders of giants... and bashed in their heads with a club.      2) When you think about it, just what are baby seals good for anyway?      3) I never said Hitler was right, I just said he had a good idea, was all.      4) Don't look directly into my eyes. It's safer that way.      5) Can somebody get me Jodi Arias's phone number?      6) I'm proud to say that, unlike Jeffrey Dahmer, I've never eaten human flesh.      7) If somebody else reaches for that last drumstick of chicken, it's perfectly all right to stab them in the hand with your fork.      8) Dork? No, I said, "fork." Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!      9) If you don't want your roommate to think you're queer, ...

Even More Rumsfeld's Rules      1) Who's this "Ben Ghazi" I keep hearing so much about?      2) People think Dick Cheney was the real power behind the throne in the Bush administration, but I'm here to tell you... Bush was the man in charge. And I'm not just saying that because Cheney told me to.      3) Remember: It's pinch the nose, and then cover the mouth.      4) You'd be surprise at how easily a person's ear tears off their head.      5) In the western days, you could kill your wife, say she died from TB, and that would be the end of that.      6) Do me a favor, casually look over my shoulder... is there somebody following me?      7) Being careful is not the same thing as being paranoid.      8) Instead of taking Omega-3 supplements, try attaching a fish directly onto your arm. ...

More Rumsfeld's Rules      1) If you don't like someone, hide a dead fish in their car. It'll drive them nuts trying to figure out where that awful smell is coming from.      2) I'm not saying I killed Jimmy Hoffa. I'm just saying mine was the last face he ever saw.      3) If God knows everything, then, boy, am I in trouble.      4) To properly crack open someone's head with a hammer, make sure you use enough force. It's not as easy as you might think.      5) Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, and you're a dead man.      6) When you drink tea, don't forget to lift your little pinky.      7) Am I a man who dreamed I was a butterfly, or am I a butterfly dreaming I am a man? No, I'm just a man who enjoys killing butterflies.      8) I saw a movie where James Cagney shoved a grapefruit into a woman's ...

When I worked as a ghost writer on former President George Bush's auto-biography (See  Decision Putz. Posted on 12-9-11.), I didn't think it would lead me to work on Dick Cheney's book (See Cheney. Dick Cheney. Posted on 9-11-11.) or Joe McGinniss's book about Sarah Palin (See Sarah Palin, Superstar. Posted on 10-1-11.), and I certainly didn't think it would lead me to work once again with Donald Rumsfeld.      You see, Rumsfeld took an instant dislike to me the first time his eyes met mine. I think it had something to do with my friendship with President Bush, but I can't really say for sure.      The first time Rumsfeld and I met, he had called me into his office for a private one-on-one meeting about concocting a plausible scenario for invading Afghanistan. This was back in January of the year 2000. I confidently walked into his office and plopped myself down on the leather-bound, burgundy colored chai...

Happy Birthday You are one day closer to death.   If you were born on this date, you can look forward to a long life full of happiness and prosperity. Just as long as you don’t listen to those voices in your head telling you to kill.     Also Born On This Date: Jeffrey Dahmer, John Wayne Gacy, Jodi Arias, Ariel Castro, al-Qaida     Aries (March 21-April 19) What’s that mole on your skin? Hmmm… it looks like cancer.   Taurus (April 20-May 20)   When you go to sleep at night, be sure to close your closet door all the way. That’s how the clown gets in.   Gemini (May 21-June 20) What’s sharper? A straight razor or a surgeon’s scalpel? Don’t know? Don't worry about it… you’re about to find out.     Cancer (June 21-July22) Isn’t it ironic that your astrological sign is also cancerous?   Leo (July 23-August 22) Are you the kind of person who thinks it would be fun to have yo...

Hard Core Advice From Hard Core's Hardest Core... John Leslie Dear John,      I am in my 20's and am engaged to a beautiful girl. Our religion prohibits sex before marriage, but what religion doesn't, eh? Anyway, when we're making out and my fiancé (I'll call her Betty," since that's her name) tells me to stop, like the energizer Bunny, I keep on going and going and going. I don't know what the big deal is, but Betty tells me that when she says no, she means NO.      The last time we were making out, she told me to stop. I didn't, so she slapped me on my cheek! And I don't mean on the fun one. It felt like I had been stung by a bee, and, believe me, I know what bee stings feel like. Besides not stopping when my fiancé tells me to, I also have the annoying habit of poking at bee-hives with long sticks. Anyway, Betty said she had no choice.      My cousin told me that in a dating situation,...

Ever since I've decided to become part of Romney's infamous 47%, I must admit... I don't know why I didn't do this sooner!      I've spent my whole life working hard for what I have, and, trust me, you don't know what hard work is until you've overthrown a foreign government. And what did I have to show for it? Nothing. Just the money I've hidden in the same overseas banks Romney keeps his money in.*      It's like those homeless people who die, and when the authorities go through their belongings to see what they can "confiscate," they find tens of thousands of dollars hidden in the grocery carts they call home.      Let me tell you, money that you have to hide is like not having any money at all.      Why, just the cost of my children's college alone has nearly driven me to the poor house. Of course, the car would be a Cadillac and the house would be in Beverly Hills, but you get t...