American Chimpanzee

Hard Core Advise From Hard Core's Hardest Core... J ohn Leslie! Dear John,      Our English springer spaniel has a bad case of fleas again.      We got him last summer, and couldn't get rid of the fleas until the winter and cold weather. We don't want to bomb the house, so we've tried Frontline. We've also tried Advantage, but nothing seems to work. We vacuum almost daily with a bagless vacuum so we can dump the contents after each use. We comb him daily with a flea comb dipped in soapy water, used tea tree oil on his collar, given him baths with a special shampoo, and constantly wash his bedding.      WHAT ELSE CAN WE DO? We're...      --At Our Wits End Dear Wits, You could get rid of the dog. Dear John,      With the intense heat we've been having, my boyfriend and I do not know how to cool to keep our house during the day while we are at work. We have three cats and ...

As an urban warrior straight outta Compton, one who just happens to be gay, it was an honor to be invited to speak on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial in Washington D.C. on the 50th anniversary of Doctor Martin Luther King Jr.'s "I Have A Dream" speech. If you missed it, here it is:      Ladies and gentlemen, my fellow Americans, the King Family, Michael Richards, President Carter, President Clinton, President Bu..      Wait a minute, where's President Bush?      He wasn't invited?      Why not?      Because he's a Republican?      Aw, man, that's messed up. And I wanted to collect that five dollars he owes me, too.      What's that?      What about President Obama?      Man, you don't even know what time it is. Of course I was going to mention President Obama. I was going in order, muthafat...

The trail of Major Nidal Hasan has been interesting, to say the least. Interesting, in the way that the Chinese like to curse their enemies with an interesting life. In fact, I'd venture to say it's been as interesting as the Jodi Arias trial, except without all that anal sex testimony.      From the beginning, military judge Col. Tara Osborn ruled her courtroom with a rod of steel.      "Major Hasan, I ORDER you to shave your beard!"      "No."      "Okay."      Hasan, who admits to killing 13 people and wounding 32 in the 2009 ambush at Fort Hood, told his jury of thirteen officers that "the evidence will clearly show that I am the shooter."      "I object, Major Hasan!" the judge objected. "We don't live in the future, so we don't know what the evidence will show, and, henceforth, you are barred from referring to yourself as 'the shooter.' If you so ...

Hard Core Advise From Hard Core's Hardest Core... John Leslie! Dear John,       I seem to be upsetting my co-workers, and it's completely unintentional. They think that I'm unfriendly, and that I think I'm better than they are. That's not true. I'm just a quiet person who's not very social.      How can I get things on a better track?      --Misunderstood Dear Misunderstood, You could try putting out. Dear John,      I'm not proud to admit this, but I cheated on my significant other. I guess you could say that it's more of an affair, because it's still going on.      The other guy is my significant other's best friend, whose girlfriend happens to be  my best friend. We hang out all the time together and started talking more and more, one thing led to another, and...      Now we want to be together, as in: bre...

Waxing Eloquent by Gram Grammer   Prepositions      It has long been a goal of mine to rid the common man's usage of prepositions at the end of sentences. After all, is it not language that raises man above the common beast?      What? One is not supposed to end a sentence with a preposition? But, Mr. Grammer, I don't even know what a preposition is.      That's okay. It is my  job to teach you, and teach you I shall.      Prepositions are simple words, such as "of," "to," and "in."      I recall one day when a dear friend of mine asked me the simple question: "What are you doing that for?"      I laughed gently, and pointed out to him that the word "for" was a preposition with which he should not have ended his sentence.      He answered me with his usual clever two-word wit, and, again, I found myself in the...

Governor Rick Perry, the once and future presidential candidate, never overcame his "oops" moment in the 2012 presidential debates. You remember the one, the one where he derailed his presidential hopes by confusing the names of The Three Stooges.      "You've got Moe Hummad, Curly, and... and... uh, the fat bald guy," he stammered, looking toward Ron Paul for help.      "That's Curly," Rand Paul suggested.      "What?"      "The fat bald guy is Curly."      "No, that's not him."      "Sure, it is."      "No, it's not. Curly's the one with the wild tumbleweed of curly red hair on his head."      "That's Larry."      "What?"      "Larry Fine."      "You couldn't be more wrong, Senator Paul."      "That's Congressman...

  LEE DANIELS presents LEE DANIELS starring in a LEE DANIELS production of a LEE DANIELS film LEE DANIELS' The Butler !   "The greatest story ever told!" -- LEE DANIELS   written by LEE DANIELS   "Shakespeare sucks in comparison!" -- LEE DANIELS   produced by LEE DANIELS   "Just what does a producer do? Who cares?" -- LEE DANIELS   directed by LEE DANIELS   "Spielberg? Screw that hack!" -- LEE DANIELS   starring LEE DANIELS as The Butler   " LEE DANIELS is sure to receive the Nobel Prize in great acting!" -- LEE DANIELS   also starring LEE DANIELS as Oprah Winfrey   "No one can do Oprah Winfrey better than LEE DANIELS !" -- LEE DANIELS   and LEE DANIELS as everybody else in the movie even the presidents   "Is there nothing LEE DANIELS can't do? Guess not!" -- LEE DANIELS     Go!   Now!   See! ...

Imagine my surprise when I found out from my bookie that my old fraternity brother, former president George W. Bush, had been in the hospital for a heart problem. He underwent an emergency procedure Tuesday (8-6-13) morning to open a blockage in the heart Democrats were convinced he didn't have.      "You haven't heard?" Carlos Peligro asked me in disbelief. "It's all over the TV."      "I don't watch TV," I told him.      "The radio?"      "I've got Pandora."      "Newspapers?"      "There's still newspapers?"      I immediately got on the hot line with President Obama--the man who once saved my life in 'Nam--and broke the bad news.      "Bush is sick?" the President asked. "What, did he choke on a peanut again?"      "It's his heart," I told him.      "W...

Hard Core Advice From Hard Core's Hardest Core... John Leslie! Dear John,      I recently had a conversation with my mother. She mentioned that she and Grandma are not speaking again. She reminisced about how poorly she's been treated by her mother, even as a child.      She then mentioned how her mother donates blood frequently, and told her she is O-negative, which means it's genetically impossible for her to be my mom's biological mother, because my mom is AB-negative.      Family relations with that side of the family are very fragile, and I am fairly confident that my grandmother would never tell them the truth about the situation. I don't have contacts with relatives on that side of the family because grandma prohibited it.      I have one question about this, should I tell my mother? Should I confront my grandmother? How do I start a search looking for the answers on my ...

El Paso gets a bad rap.      I just read in a recent poll that Anthony Weiner comes out ahead of our great city in likeability.  It may be our proximity to one of the most dangerous cities in the world.  It may be a misunderstanding of who we are as a community.  Or it may be something much simpler, like our constantly being mistaken for George Bush.  Who knows?       That's why, I suppose, El Paso's City Development Department has, um, developed (Which is what they do, I guess. Developing things, I mean.) a survey designed to help the powers-that-be gain a better understanding of our great city's local business climate.       I don't know how much money they spent sending these surveys out, but I'm sure they would have spent more, except that former Mayor John Cook, El Paso's first  honorary gay mayor, needed the money from the petty...

Hard Core Advise From Hard Core’s Hardest Core… John Leslie     Dear John,                 I feel betrayed by my husband, and he doesn’t seem to see the problem. “Victor” and I have been married for over 40 years. He’s always had a wandering eye, and a problem being faithful. For whatever reason, I was never enough for him. He has no idea how much he has hurt me over the years. I put up with a lot, but now he has started watching pornography when he thinks I’m asleep. I know he’s masturbating, but if I ask whether he wants to have sex with me, he always says “no.”   I feel as if he’s cheating on me in my own bed. I’ve tried talking to “Victor” about it, but he makes me think I’m the one with the problem. What do you think I should do? --Betrayed Dear Betrayed, Sorry, but I was out all night and can’t seem to focus. Say again?   Dear John,    ...