American Chimpanzee

hello you are one day closer to death Happy Birthday!   If you were born on this date, you can look forward to a long life full of happiness and prosperity. Just as long as you don’t listen to those voices in your head telling you to kill.     Also Born On This Date   Jeffrey Dahmer, John Wayne Gacy, Jodi Arias, Ariel Castro, al-Qaida     Aries (March 21-April 19)   What’s that mole on your skin? Hmmm… it looks like cancer.   Taurus (April 20-May 20)     When you go to sleep at night, be sure to close your closet door all the way. That’s how the clown gets in.   Gemini (May 21-June 20)   What’s sharper? A straight razor or a surgeon’s scalpel? Don’t know? Don't worry about it… you’re about to find out.     Cancer (June 21-July22)   Isn’t it ironic that your astrological sign is also cancerous?   Leo (July 23-August 22)   Are...

From the disembodied head floating in your living room to the one night stand who doesn't want to leave, these may all be signs that your house is haunted.      I've never seen a more paranormal infestation than the time Rebecca G. called me to see what I could do about some random guy she made the drunken mistake of bringing home one Friday night. He spent the night, didn't leave all of Saturday, and slept on the couch when he discovered Ms. G. was only easy after throwing back a few Jose Cuervos on a dare.      By Sunday, he was quite comfortable making his own breakfast, and she felt compelled to call me in a panic, quite rightly believing he would never vacate the premises. She was right.      Guys such as him are supernatural leeches. Like a cat, they never leave once they've been fed. So I called a priest, not to conduct an exorcism, but to perform a marriage ceremony.      That guy couldn't...

when hell is full the dead will walk the earth   I have nightmares. It's been years, and I still have nightmares.      It all began with a simple phone call. From the President. And when the President calls, I jump. It's the least I can do for the man who once saved my life in 'Nam. But this particular phone call caught me by surprise.      "I want you to go to Pakistan," he told me, smoothly. "You're the only one I can trust to verify that Osama bin Laden is dead."      "Of course he's dead," I answered. "We've both seen the video."      I paused... and then we both broke up laughing at the same time. Video. What a joke.      "And don't worry," he assured me. "Your little, ah, 'problem' in the Middle East has been smoothed over."      That's Obama for you. Mr. Smooth. And that's how I found myself back in Pakistan, taking a ...

As a faux member of the Advisory Committee reporting to the FDA, I felt it was my duty to inform them that, while genetically engineered salmon appears to be safe, more testing would be needed before I, in good conscience, could approve it.      "When you're dealing with the public's safety it's better to err on the side of caution. Do the math," I insisted, "do the math."      AquaBounty Technologies, Inc., the developer of the would-be country's first genetically engineered food animal, made it clear to me that they were "unpleased" with my stipulation, and offered to give me a personal tour of their facilities. When I hesitated, they also made it clear to me that I did not have a choice.      I must admit, I was very impressed with what I saw when I got there. The whole farm looked very clean and state-of-the-art.      "See that," my guide pointed to a randomly selected room. "We even have c...

Are you psychic?      I am, my friends. And let me tell you what a blessing it's been in my life. Why, just the other day I was faced with the decision, "Do I want to pay an extra dollar for the Power Play on my Powerball ticket? My Third Eye told me "no," so I didn't. Well, let me tell you, when the numbers were called and I didn't get a single one, I had to thank my psychic powers for saving me that dollar.      But this isn't about me, it's about you. I can sense you asking yourself, "Am I psychic?" "Do I have a sixth sense?" "Will Obama ever dye his hair?"      My answer to you is, "Why don't we find out together?"      Imagine being able to talk with your own Spirit Guide. Imagine having the power to look into your future. Imagine having avoided that round of penicillin shots. (You know what round of penicillin shots I'm talking about. Sure, you do.)      There's a life you were...

P is for Psycho      Don't let Norman get too chummy R is for poor Ramses      You know him as the Mummy E is for the Evil      In Dr. Jekyll's drink S is for Lord Satan      A Republican, I think I is for the Invisible Man      Who challenges your sight D is for Count Dracula      He'll love you at first bite E is for Elm Street      Where Freddy likes to play N is for Nightfall      The Wolfman's favorite time of day T is for the Tortured Souls      Burning sinfully in Hell O is for the Opera      Where the Phantom likes to dwell B is for Bigfoot      A wookie gave him birth A is for space Aliens      Who've come to conquer Earth M is for the Monster      Dr. Frankenstein's his pop And A... well, A is fo...

Charlie and Buster were digging in the backyard when they found an old metal box.      "Maybe there's money inside."      "Yeah, it could be worth its weight in Puppy Chow."      They both laughed at Buster's bad joke. When they forced the rusted box open they were disappointed. It was only a book. Someone's diary.      They began to read it out loud.        January 1, 2019--Former Mayor John Cook's new law has been in effect three years now. The one prohibiting the sale of dogs less than a year old within the city limits. It was a shame that, before then, dogs could be bought and sold like, well, animals. Hurray! Hurray for Mayor Cook!        The two friends looked at each other.      "Can you believe this?" Charlie asked.      Buster just shook his head.        June 27, 202...

You know what's scarier than Halloween? Dating. You know what's scarier than dating? Dating when you're older.      So, now that I'm closer to the end of my days than the beginning, let me reveal:   The Top Ten Things I Do Before A Date   10.  Take a nap 9. Wash off the fishy smell of Preparation H. 8.  Try to remember who I'm taking out. 7.  Massage my prostate to ease the swelling. 6.  Massage my prostate because it feels good. 5.  Shave back, comb eyebrows, trim nostrils, and pluck the hair growing out of my ears. 4.  Do stretching exercises so I won't pull a muscle later when we... well... you know. 3.  Don't forget my Gas-X. 2.  Apply acne medication... ON MY ASS!   And the number one thing I do before a date is:   1.  On my way to pick her up, stop somewhere to take a shit.     American Chimpanzee JimDuchene.blogspot.com RaisingMyFather.blogspot...

Hard Core Advise From Hard Core's Hardest Core... John Leslie! Dear John,      My male partner and I (also male) are delighted we can finally marry (and smoke marijuana) in our home state of California. When we do, how do you suggest we answer the question that straight married couples often get, "How long have you two been married?" He and I have been living together for 17 years, and it's not our fault that we couldn't get married years ago.      Without having to make a political statement each time we're asked, should we simply tack on the number of years together without the benefit of marriage? I'm proud of the time we've been a couple, and even prouder that I love him as much today as when we first fell for each other.      What should the answer be after we tie the knot?      --Unsure Dear Unsure,      I'm... not... sure. Dear John,      M...

Hey! Want to see my impersonation of Howard Stern?      "Penis. Vagina. Penis. Vagina. Penis. Vagina."      "FART!"         Thank you.     American Chimpanzee JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com @JimDuchene   

     1869 : Franklin Pierce, the 14th president of the United States, died in Concord, N.H. He was best known for being named after Hawkeye from the TV show MASH.      1871 : The Great Chicago Fire erupted. Fires also broke out in Peshtigo, Wis., and in several communities in Michigan. Legend has it that the fire was caused by Mrs. O'Leary's cow kicking over an oil lamp in her barn. Me, I blame UFOs.           1918 : U.S. Army Cpl. Alvin C. York led an attack that killed 25 German soldiers and captured 132 others in the Argonne Forest in France. Where were all the French soldiers? Hey, these are the French we're talking about.      1944 : "The Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet," starring Ozzie and Harriet Nelson, made its debut on CBS Radio. You remember radio, don't you? Yeah, me neither.      1945 : President Harry S. Truman announced that the secret of th...

As I sit here watching Miley Cyrus host Saturday Night Live I can't help but wonder what all the fuss is about. That is the ugliest little boy I've ever seen. Just kidding. I know Miley Cyrus is a girl.      Just like Justin Bieber.      Am I showing my age? Sometimes I feel like those parents from the 50's calling rock & roll the devil's music or those parents from the 60's yelling at hippies to "get a haircut!      Don Draper, an advertising executive for the Sterling Advertising Agency and personal friend of mine, once told me, “If you want to sell someone something, it helps to be as good-looking as I am      I bring this up because of all the criticism over my “El Paso! (Insert Slogan HERE!)” column from months and months ago (5-19-13).        “How DARE you take credit for our city’s slogan du jour! ” said one.      “How DARE you besmirc...

The thing that bothers me most about doctors pre-ObamaCare is that when you called them to make an appointment, they gave you one, but it was weeks--maybe months--in the future, and then, when they examined you, they asked why you waited so long to see them.      I had a friend whose health care professional called him with his test results.      "I have some bad news, and then I have some REALLY bad news," the doctor admitted. "The bad news is that you only have twenty-four hours to live."      "Oh my God," my friend cried. "What can be worse than THAT?"      "I couldn't get ahold of you yesterday."      Another friend of mine was told by his physician that he would have to take a pill every day for the rest of his life. So what was wrong with that?      His doctor only gave him FOUR pills.      The third of my five ex-wi...

     "But President Obama, what are the three critical parts of the Affordable Care Act?"      My friend, why waste your time talking to someone who wouldn't hear you even if you were standing right next to him? You might as well be talking to your teenage son.      Unlike the way you have to go through a variety of priests, popes, and saints to get what you want in the holy Catholic church, you only have to go through ME to get the information you want.      "Is the information reliable?" I can hear you asking.      Well, it's as reliable as I can make up. _________________________   The Three Critical Parts of the Affordable Care Act _________________________   Guaranteed Coverage!      When I say "guaranteed coverage," I MEAN "guaranteed coverage." That is, unless I don't. I'm confused already, and I've barely begun. ...