American Chimpanzee

   The Day After Thanksgiving: After a good meal, you can forgive anything... even family.   My ex told me she'd die for me. I asked her, ''How soon?''          The only thing our government's good at is taking our money.          I can't remember what it was I lost, but I bet it was something I really need.          For me, it's football season. For my dog, it's Thank God My Owner's A Sloppy Snacker season.          I saw a doctor's advertisement for non-surgical weight-loss treatments. Isn't that just a more expensive way of saying diet and exercise?          The President no longer calls his Affordable Care Act: ObamaCare. You know it's bad when even Obama tries to distance himself from ObamaCare.          Obama: ''You see,...

First and foremost, I'm thankful for the re-election of my close and personal friend, President Barack Hussein Obama--the man who once saved my life in 'Nam.      You see, I've worked hard all my life to support myself, my family, and various mistresses and illegitimate children. Now, I figure, it's time to let the government do it.      Why?      Because I can.      Do you have any idea how expensive it is to feed a houseful of hungry kids, some of whom might even be yours? Well, neither does the government, that's why they're so better suited for the job.      School supplies? I say, if the government requires us to send our children to school, then they should be required to buy the clothes, supplies, and breakfasts, lunches, and dinners that go along with it. How can I stay at home and make sure that the government workers in charge of upkeep on my home are doing their job i...

"Nobody ever tells me anything," the President told me.      I wish I could say that I was in the neighborhood and just dropped by, but I was escorted to the White House by some very serious looking men in dark gray suits and black ties.      It started with a phone call. Usually when Obama calls, I jump--it's the least I can do for the man who once saved my life in 'Nam-- but I was watching a TV marathon of Will & Grace on the WE Channel, and my daughter and I were debating which character was funniest, who we liked more, and if the two could be the same.      "You're wrong, Dad, and let me tell you why..." she was saying, when I heard the phone ring in my office. Not my landline, or even my cell phone, but the special Red Phone that links me directly with the Oval Office. And to Bob Guccione, but that's another story.      My wife answered it.      "Jim!" s...

On THIS DATE in 1718, British pirate Blackbeard was killed in battle off the North Carolina coast. There's no Englishman an American can't kick the ass of. On this day in l93O, the BBC played for the lst time an American college football game. British listeners immediately fell asleep. Losers.          On this date in l935, a flying boat, the China Clipper, set sail from California. F.Y.I. to l935: There's no such thing as a "flying" boat.          On this date in l965, the musical ''Man of La Mancha'' opened on Broadway. No one cared then, and no one cares now.          On this date in l99O, Margaret Thatcher resigned! ''Call President Reagan, he never forgets a friend. What do you mean he has Alzheimer's?'          Tennis legend Billie Jean King turns 7O today! When she played Bobby Riggs on TV I had never seen a lesbian before...