American Chimpanzee

written for, but not published in, Desert Exposure Magazine desertexposure.com   As we make our way into the coming presidential election, I can't help but remember something unexplainable that happened to me on Halloween of 2008.      On that night, I saw the scariest movie I've ever seen. No, I'm not talking about my old wedding videos. It was something way scarier than that. Even scarier than the Kardashians without make-up.      It was close to midnight on All Hallows Eve. I was walking by myself in the Downtown section of the city I was born and raised in. Heading nowhere in particular,  I found myself by the old movie theater where I used to watch horror double-features for thirty-five cents when I was a kid. Years later, it became an adult theater and began showing movies that were horrifying in a different way altogether. Eventually, the theater...

as featured in Desert Exposure Magazine desertexposure.com   More than my close, personal friendship with President Obama--the man who once saved my life in 'Nam. More than my Pulitzer Prize, which makes for a dandy doorstop. More than my thirteen Olympic Gold Medals and one Nobel Peace Prize for love. More even than my Congressional Medals of Honor, which I quit accepting after my seventh, because I'm nothing if not humble.      More than all that is this , my column for Desert Exposure. I consider writing for the world's premiere magazine for arts and leisure in southern New Mexico the single greatest achievement in my life, and that is why I've decided to use this platform to make the following announcement:      I, Jim Duchene, am running for President of the United States of America.      I made this decision after much begging from unhappy Republicans and Democrats....