American Chimpanzee

Bob Cratchit got up from his desk as Ebenezer Scrooge hunched over his account books.      "Sir?" he said, tapping on the old man's door. "I've copied all the letters and filed the paperwork. I also brought in more firewood and swept out the ashes."      Here, Bob Cratchit paused, and then began again.      "And, well, it's closing time, Mr. Scrooge."      "Fine," Scrooge replied. "If your work is finished, you may leave."      "Mr. Scrooge?" Cratchit proceeded cautiously. "Tomorrow is Christmas, a day to spend with family."      "Christmas? Bah!" Scrooge all but spat. "Fine. Take tomorrow off, but be here early the next day."      "Yes, sir," Cratchit acquiesced. "You can count on it, sir."      Cratchit pulled his coat snug around him.      "Merry Christmas, Mr. Scrooge," he said, and then stood the...

What's the most important thing to take with you when camping in the wilderness? Your credit card. For when you decide to rent a room instead.   This Just In! Charles Manson! DEAD! After spending almost FIFTY years on Death row! What did he die of? Boredom.   This Just In! Charles Manson! DEAD! "Remind me," asks a perplexed President Trump, "which season of Celebrity Apprentice was he on?"    This Just In! Scientists determine alcohol causes cancer! Let's face it, EVERYTHING causes cancer.    This Just In! Mourning the death of his one true love, a brokenhearted David Cassidy follows Charles Manson to the great hippy commune in the sky.   "Smile in the mirror. Do that every morning and you'll start to see a big difference in your life," advises Yoko Ono. "Oh, and marry a millionaire."   Why Black Friday? Because White Friday is racist.   This Just In! The White House confirms...

My father and I have just returned home from an appointment with his doctor.     He doesn’t drive any more. Since he now lives with me, I find myself chauffeuring him around to conduct his personal business. I always thought the older you got, the less you did. Apparently, that’s not the case. At least with my father. I’m always taking him here or there, doing this or that.     He’s closer to the end of his century than the beginning and has been diagnosed pre-Alzheimer’s. You might think that Alzheimer’s is something that happens to someone else, but don’t fool yourself, we’re all pre-Alzheimer’s. We just need to live long enough for it to catch up with us.     It's 11am. Still early. He's studying the medicine his doctor prescribed, and which we've just picked up from the pharmacy.     "Can you believe the price of this medication?" he asks.     Of course I can. I just p...

"A turkey's gotta do what a turkey's gotta do."     American Chimpanze e JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com @JimDuchene   

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The doctor said my tumor was the size of a pear, just not as tasty.   For Halloween, I bought TEN bags of candy. For myself. The trick-or-treaters can fend for themselves.   He's a terrible soldier but a heckuva nice guy. I don't have the heart to give him a dishonorable discharge, so send him to the front line.   Did you hear about the new Divorcee Barbie? You wind her up, and she leaves with half your stuff.   To be old and wise, you first have to be young and dumb. I'd say most of you have got this covered.   Janet Jackson says she'd GLADLY perform with Justin Timberlake at the Super Bowl if he were to ask. Don't beg, Janet. It's beneath you.   "Honey, I have a confession to make: I'm a werewolf." "Thank goodness! I thought you were having an affair."   Next Halloween, the sequel to IT will feature a female Pennywise. "When you go into the sewer, you're going to SHE-IT!"   ...

Holy crap!      I make it to bed just in time.      I can hear Christian letting himself in through our front door. I look at my Inner Goodness. She wipes her forehead with the back of her hand in the international sign of “Whew!”      "Whew!" indeed.      Hard to believe it was just a few hours ago that my beloved husband and I were getting ready for a masquerade ball given by our old friend Prince Prospero of Westeros. Christian was going as the Red Death from Edgar Allan Poe’s magnificent short story  Masque of the Red Death .      "A fiendishly  handsome Red Death," he told me.      Myself, I decided to go as a sexy Winnie the Pooh with my Christopher Robins hanging out. To make a long story short, I won't tell you how Pooh’s honey pot got stuck on my head. Let's just say that there wasn't any real honey on...

I'd like to thank Harvey Weinstein, because, next to him, I'm looking like a prince.      Just yesterday I called in to where I work and asked for the day off. When my boss told me to give him"one good reason I should give you the day off," I said, "Um... I'm not Harvey Weinstein?"      He thought about that.      "No, I guess you're not," he replied. "Okay, take the day off."      "With pay?"      "With pay."      Wow, what a break!      I wondered what else not being Harvey Weinstein would score for me, so I walked into a nearby bank, and asked for some cold, hard cash.      "Sir," the vice-president informed me, "we're not in the business of just handing out money to anyone who comes in off the street and asks for it."      "But you don't understand," I ...