American Chimpanzee

Schrodinger's Cat Theory as it Applies to Health and Clam Chowder   Those of you who have read the Desert Diary section of Desert Exposure--the premiere magazine of art and leisure in southern New Mexico--know that my brother takes care of our elderly father. How elderly? Well, his Social Security number is #1.      My brother got this honor when we had a family meeting to discuss who was best suited for this task, and he was the only one who showed up.      I, myself, had the pleasure of having my mother-in-law move in with my family and I for a blissful few months. Blissful, because they were so few.      What my wife didn't tell me was that her mother would be an additional person we'd have to take with us wherever we went. To dinner, on vacation, even our romantic date nights weren't safe. Let me tell you, that's not the kind of third wheel a man fantasizes about.      Not me, of co...

I write this to you because, as a fellow warrior, you're the only one who can understand.     Have you seen the movie Full Metal Jacket? It takes place in the sixties and is about the Viet Nam war. It was directed by Stanley Kubrick, whom I've always found pretentious and over-rated, but that's neither here nor there. Anyway…     There's a scene in it where a young prostitute is trying to drum up business by telling some American soldiers, "Me so horny. Me so horny. Me love you long time." The scene was so moving that the rap group Two Live Crew wrote a tender love ballad about it, also called Me So Horny. Well…     I told you that to tell you this:     I was recently at an Asian restaurant, and I innocently asked the cute little Asian waitress what the soup of the day was.     "Miso, honey," she said.     That immediately sent me into a Viet Nam flas...