American Chimpanzee

I. I am the Lord, thy God, thy iPhone. Thou shalt have no other smart phones before Me. II. Thou not shalt not make unto thee any graven images.      Except on Facebook. III. Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord, thy God, in vain.      On the other hand, sayeth whatever thou wants about Trump. IV. Remember the Sabbath and to keep it holy.      In fact, take the rest of the week off as well. V. Honor thy mother and thy father, lest they kicketh you out of their house. VI. Thou shalt not kill, for thou art a pansy. VII. Thou shalt not commit adultery, unless the opportunity presents itself. VIII. Thou shalt not steal, unless it's on the Internet, in which case, thou shalt consider it free. IX. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor. Then again, who else are you going to bear false witness against? X. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife, unless she be-eth REALLY hot. Further, ne...

If you’ve read the Raising My Father stories over at the Desert Diary section of Dessert Exposure magazine, you know that my much older and less attractive brother takes care of our elderly father. He does this without complaint. At least I think he does it without complaint. I quit listening to him years ago.     There are times, however, when my brother and his family travel out of town on vacation and are unable to take him along. This is when I’ve had the pleasure of taking care of my father. Let me stress that it is indeed a pleasure, because, if my brother happens to read this, I want him to think he got the better end of the taking-care-of-your-aging- parent deal.     It was during these adventures that I came to the conclusion that my father should be a private investigator, and I'm not just saying that because he sports a bushy mustache, drives a red Ferrari, and has an old war buddy who flies a helicopter for a living. N...