American Chimpanzee

sing to the tune of "Ruby (Don't Take Your Love To Town)" by Mel Tillis      Beverly (Watch Out for Pennywise)       You've laced up both your sneakers and you've ponytailed your hair. Bev, are you contemplating going out somewhere? The shadows on the wall grow long as daylight slowly dies. Oh, Beverly... watch out for Pennywise.     Why are the children dying in this scary Derry town? And have you seen that creepy thing that's living underground? It's been said it comes to feed each 27th year, Oh, Beverly... everybody floats down here.     It's hard to be suspicious of a funny painted face, And the trust of a boy reaching for his lost toy led to a cold, wet place. Some have whispered when he screamed for help, the town ignored his cries. Oh, Beverly... watch out for Pennywise.     You're leaving now 'cause I can hear you ...

This Just In! A Tattoo Will Get OLD... ...just like YOU!   Meanwhile...   Weird News! Apple Fanatic Can't Wait To Get His Hands On An iPhone X! "I hear it's already obsolete!" he gushes.   Weird News! Astronomers Discover A Pitch Black Planet! How did they see it? "We didn't. It's pitch black."   Weird News! Florida Sheriff Warned Public To NOT Shoot At Hurricane Irma! "I don't CARE if you saw it on 'Sharknado!'"   Weird News! David Meade: World Will End... TOMORROW! "Nibiru, aka Planet X, will CRASH into Earth September 23," he predicts. "Send $."   Weird News! Woman Screens Potential Boyfriends With VERY Personal Application Form! "I haven't had a date since 1983," she admits.   Weird News! Playboy Playmate Katie Price Reveals The Single Most Disgusting Thing She Did At The Playboy Mansion! "Housework."   Weird News! ...

Man who "screwed over" woman regretting it a year later due to her simple prank. "I poisoned his dog."   Fitness expert reveals what he would order at YOUR favorite fast food restaurant. "Vomit. Might as well eliminate the middle-man."   Man says bright light hovering in night sky is a UFO from another planet. "But what do I know? I'm nuts."   Women could earn extra cash providing the voice for "sex robots," but, unfortunately, these robots won't be saying, "Not tonight. I have a headache."   Huge hermit crab shell looks exactly like terrifying "Toy Story" character... Randy Newman!   Driver certain she backed over and killed family dog, until she gets out to check. "Thank God it was just my husband."   Guard's hand "burned by ghosts" at jail where the Krays were held. "They warned me the burner on the stove was haunted, but I didn't believ...

This Just In! Kim Jong-Un Eats Some Bad Kimchi! "Time to detonate another Hydrogen Bomb," he declares.   Exercise your right to exercise.   Senator John McCain vows, "I'll be back," as he battles brain cancer. "I've never needed a brain before, I don't need one now," he assures us.   This Just In! Kathy Griffin TAKES BACK apology for Decapitated Trump photo! Why? "Because I'm old and no one's talking about me anymore."   Shelley Berman, inventor of the "Talking On The Phone" comedy bit, has DIED! While Bob Newhart, who STOLE Berman's act, LIVES! Newhart WINS!   If I was the judge in Taylor Swift's Groping Incident, one look at her flat booty, and I would've dismissed the case based on a lack of evidence.   El Paso County unemployment UP 4.3% How will the El Paso City Council solve this problem? "We're raising your taxes FIVE %!" says Mayor Dee Mar...

Is love really enough?  No. Why do we park in a driveway and drive on a parkway?  For the same reason our noses run and our feet smell. Who was Jack the Ripper?  I answer this in my "Fifty Shades of Grey" parody  in Chapter 19d, which was posted on this blog on July 13, 2015. Why does time fly faster as you age?   Time is constant. It is we who slow down as we age, thus making it seem as if time has accelerated. Why does the Big 10 Conference have 12 teams, and the Big 12 Conference have 10 teams?  It's a stereotype that athletes are bad at math. Or is it? Who is in charge?  Charles. Why is it that if you tell someone not to touch a hot burner, they touch a hot burner? For the same reason people ignore Wet Paint signs.  Why are we still teaching to tests (in the schools) and not real stuff? When you vote the same incompetents into office year after year, you lose your right to complain about the bad laws and policies they pas...

Houston Ravaged By Devastating Hurricane! Meanwhile... This Just In! Is President Obama REALLY an American? Birthers still not sure.   Houston Ravaged By Devastating Hurricane! Meanwhile... This Just In! She's her sister AND her daughter!     Houston Ravaged By Devastating Hurricane! Meanwhile... This Just In! Was Lee Harvey Oswald President Kennedy's lone assassin? Get over it, man!   Houston Ravaged By Devastating Hurricane! Meanwhile... This Just In! Norman Bates is his own MOTHER!   Houston Ravaged By Devastating Hurricane! Meanwhile... This Just In! Who REALLY brought down the Twin Towers on 9-11?   Houston Ravaged By Devastating Hurricane! Meanwhile... This Just In! He's a woman pretending to be a man pretending to be a woman!   Houston Ravaged By Devastating Hurricane! Meanwhile... This Just In! Why didn't we ever get to see Osama bin Laden's dead body?   Houston Ravaged By Devast...

Houston Ravaged By Devastating Hurricane! Meanwhile... This Just In! Residents learn first-hand waterfront property's not so great!   Houston Ravaged By Devastating Hurricane! Meanwhile... This Just In! Like Hurricane Harvey, Kim Jong-un BLOWS!   Houston Ravaged By Devastating Hurricane! Meanwhile... This Just In! But I STILL had to come in to work this morning!   Houston Ravaged By Devastating Hurricane! Meanwhile... This Just In! What's the big deal? The weather's FINE where I live!   Houston Ravaged By Devastating Hurricane! Meanwhile... This Just In! And all I got was this lousy T-SHIRT!   Houston Ravaged By Devastating Hurricane! Meanwhile... This Just In! ClownDating.com is a REAL dating website!   Houston Ravaged By Devastating Hurricane! Meanwhile... This Just In! Lucky residents still able to buy Powerball tickets!   Houston Ravaged By Devastating Hurricane! Meanwhile... This Just In...