American Chimpanzee

Hammer Films Presents! Zombie McCain! "When there is no more room in Hell... John McCain will walk the earth!"   Just in time for Halloween! Hammer Films Presents! Dracula Vs The Monster! Starring John McCain as the fey political bloodsucker and Ron Jeremy as the foul-smelling Dr. Crapenstein!   Fake News Reports! John McCain Comes Back From The Dead! MURDERS Dennis Hoff! "My 'little soldier' hasn't saluted since Viet Nam," he admitted to Ron Jeremy. "If I'M not getting any, NOBODY'S getting any!"   Fake News Reports! John McCain GOBBLES Ron Jeremy's Goblin! Swears him to secrecy! "Wouldn't you rather have one of the Bunny Ranch's prostitutes?" the geriatric porn star offers. "Gimme dat goblin!" McCain insists.   Fake News Reports! Zombie John McCain EATS The Newly Dead Dennis Hoff! "I'm having a ball," he says. "That's because you'...

Back in  the day, writers used to be paid by the word, that’s why our classics are so looong. And, in addition to that, what else was there to do? You could spend six hours enjoying an opera, and not feel it’s gone on five hours too long, much like the fans at a baseball game.      You can’t tell me Edgar Allan Poe’s classic poem The Raven doesn’t ramble far longer than it should. I don’t know what seems longer, reading The Raven or suffering through one of my mother-in-law’s visits.      At any rate, that’s why I rewrote it for today’s audience.      An audience whose time and attention span is limited.   The Raven Once upon a midnight dreary, My eyes bloodshot, my vision bleary, Something knock-knock-knocked at my chamber door. Feeling, I, a wee bit drunky, Hadn’t bathed, smelling funky, So whomever was there I decided to ignore. Yet there it waited, a stately raven, An ebony bird in search of haven, Thu...

Fake News Reports! Daniel Frisiello Pleads GUILTY To Sending President Trump's Sons Threatening Letters With A White Powder Enclosed! "Mental note: Next time, DON'T include my return address."   Fake News Reports! Democrats Say The Migrant Caravan Should Be Let Into Our Country! And they can stay with THEM? "Are you out of your FRAKKING mind?"   Fake News Reports! Rihanna Announces She WILL NOT Perform At The Super Bowl! "As it turns out," she says, "you have to be asked to do those kinds of things."   Fake News Reports! Amy Shumer Announces She WILL NOT Be Starring In Any Of This Year's Super Bowl Commercials! Has she been asked? "What does THAT have to do with anything?" she said, trying to restart her career.   "When I said to be uncivil... I didn't mean to ME!" --Hillary Clinton   "Hey, I said, 'If they bring a knife to a fight, WE bring a gun,' but I ...

Our migrant caravan, the one heading to the United States from Central America as we speak, has grown to seven thousand foreign nationals strong, all of us planning to enter the U.S. illegally. The question I’m most asked by CNN reporters is this:      “Just how do you FEED all those people?”      This question isn’t new to me. I’ve wondered the same thing ever since I first learned about the history of warfare in the little one-room escuela in Honduras. The Hun Army, The Mongol Invasion, Rosie O’Donnell... just how do you feed THOUSANDS?       You could live off the land, but an army of empty bellies would lay waste to the natural resources like locust.     HUMAN locust.     I got my answer like I get most of my answers... from Woody Allen.     Having been the only one of us who had seen a recent airing of Woody’s early classic...

Fake News Reports! Diane Gardea, a fugitive on El Paso's Most Wanted list, was arrested at her east side home! "They'll never look for me here," she chuckled, just before they broke down the door.   I... Am... The... World's... Fastest... Snail.   I'm not saying they're ugly, but I don't blame caterpillars for wanting to be butterflies.   Fake News Reports! Experts Warn Hurricane Michael Will Be DEVESTATING! "Why hasn't President Trump STOPPED it!?" bemoan Democrats.   I don't do social media. Technology may have given us more ways to communicate, but it's just given me more ways to avoid people.   Fake News Reports! A CDC survey has determined that a lot of people eat fast food. Another survey that cost taxpayers millions of dollars recommends breathing "if you want to stay alive."   My company has a very strict policy concerning taking time off for a death in the family. In order for me to get...

You know you're a loser when you're able to write your Last Will & Testament on Twitter.   It takes a monster to make a monster.   I'm not half as great as I think I am. But that's still pretty good.   An Ouija board is a doorway between the supernatural and the gullible.   I'm not saying I procrastinate, but my smoke detector comes with a snooze button.   Good morning, Democrats! Whose life shall we destroy today?   I have a great exercise program. I run late ALL the time.   Success 101 Nothing is impossible. The word itself says "I'm possible."    Self-delusion is the same as success, only you don't have to work as hard.    I try to live each day like it's my birthday. I eat more cake that way.    Old age doesn't sneak up on you gradually. It attacks you overnight.       American Chimpanzee JimDuchene.Blog...