American Chimpanzee

Fake News Reports!    How Exciting! President Trump has arrived at the DMZ, where he is expected to meet with Kim Jong-Un in a matter of minutes. MY job, as an elite member of the Secret Service and our Commander in Chief's main bodyguard, is to make sure there are plenty of hot dogs for everyone.    The DMZ, where President Trump is waiting for Kim Jong-Un to arrive, is considered the most dangerous place on earth! I have to agree. This is where my ex-wife lives.    As the world holds its breath, President Trump waits for Kim Jong-Un at the DMZ! As an elite Secret Service agent, and President Trump's head bodyguard, I stand ready to take a bullet for my Commander in Chief. I plan to take it to Disneyland.    As an elite Secret Service agent and Donald Trump's primary bodyguard, I wait with the president for the arrival of Kim Jong-Un at the DMZ! Unfortunately, I shook the hand of the Lady in the Blue Dress and now f...

Fake News Reports!    Justin Bieber Has CHALLENGED Tom Cruise To An MMA Fight In The Octagon! "Not with me. I mean, with my wife."    Justin Bieber CHALLENGES Tom Cruise To An MMA Fight In The Octagon! "And YOU'RE next, Clint Eastwood."    Justin Bieber Double-Dog DARES Tom Cruise To An MMA Fight In The Octagon! "Sure, I can beat Top Gun. I made Betty White cry, didn't I?"    The Great Actress Jennifer Garner Was In Deming, New Mexico To Meet With Migrants In This Country Illegally Who Are Being Taken Care Of In A Makeshift Shelter! "We need a safe place to hold these unfortunates." How about YOUR house? "Uh... gotta go!"    The Great Actress Jennifer Garner Was In Deming, New Mexico To Personally Meet With Migrants In This Country Illegally Who are Being Taken Care Of In A Makeshift Shelter! "Hey! Where's my WALLET?"    Bernie Sanders ADMITS He Watched President Trump's F...

I'm not always cranky. I have to sleep some  time.    I like to think before I act. I think better after I nap.    The best things in life are free. So are the worst. It's everything else that's expensive.    My ex-wife is in prison for hosting a dinner party. She called the food her guests didn't eat "leftovers." The homicide detectives called it "evidence."    When you go on vacation this summer, there are two ways you can travel: 1) First Class, or 2) With Children.    I have two long-term goals in life: 1) eat what I want, and 2) gain weight. So far, so good.    I hate those "Employees Must Wash Hands" signs in restaurant bathrooms. I can wash my OWN hands, thank you very much.    My boss told me: "Go hard or go home." So I went home.    When someone pretends they're dead, we call it "Playing Possum." I don't know what the possums call it.    When...

Fake News Reports!    Fox News Anchor And Everybody's Least Favorite Third Stooge Shep Smith Encourages Americans To Read The Mueller Report! If I wanted to read, I would have stayed in school.    Jon Stewart BLASTS Absent Lawmakers At Tuesday's Hearing Concerning The Continued Funding Of 9-11's Victims Compensation Fund! Where was everybody? They were too busy running for President.    Did Former Vice-President Joe Biden REALLY Vow To Cure Cancer If Elected? Um, maybe you better go back to plagiarizing other people's ideas, Joe.       Democrats: "We voted and now you have to hand over ALL your redacted emails and documents and there's nothing you can do about it. You hear that? NOTHING! Bwah, ha, ha, ha, ha, HA!" Trump: "Ahem... presidential privilege." Democrats: "Sheeet."    Theresa May Will Announce The United Kingdom Will Cut Carbon Emissions To "Net Zero" By 2050! "And ha...

Fake News Reports!    President Trump SLAMS Democrats As John Dean, Former Nixon Council, Is Called To Testify Concerning Mueller-gate! "What the fudge am I doing here?" his opening remarks began, only he didn't use the word "fudge."    President Trump SLAMS Democrats As John Dean, Disgraced Nixon Council Who Hasn't Been Heard From Since The 60s, Testifies Concerning Mueller-gate! "If your case depends on ME testifying," he tells the House Judiciary Committee in his opening remarks, "you ain't got shit ."    This Just In! The House Judiciary Committee Is Calling Gary Busey In To Testify Concerning What He Knows About Mueller-gate!    This Just In! The House Judiciary Committee Has Arranged For Bill Cosby To Receive A Full Pardon In Exchange For Testimony About What He Knows And When Did He Know It Concerning Mueller-gate!    "What about ME?" Blubbers A Non-Contrite Harry Weinstein. "Okay," says th...

Fake News Reports!    The Democratic Presidential Debates Are Scheduled To Take Place Over TWO Days! Why two days? Because the Democrats need one day to debate and another day to read off all the names of everyone who's running.    In A Giant Leap For Womankind, Mothers Can Now Nurse Their Babies In The New El Paso County Courthouse "Mom Pods"! I've seen those Mom Pods. They're not doing women any favors.    Republicans Boldly Announces To The News Media That They May BLOCK President Trump’s Mexican Tariffs! “Aw, who are we kidding?” they admit, before sadly shuffling away.    Rumors Of A Possible "STRAIGHT Parade" In Boston Is Met With Anger And Criticism! C'mon, Boston. If you have to SAY you're straight...    New York Is About To Become The First State In The Union To Make The Declawing Of A Cat Illegal! And THEN you'll do something about your homeless? "What have you got against cats, mister?...

Fake News Reports!    Sports Illustrated Has Sold For $110 Million Dollars! If they hadn't put all those politically correct models in their swimsuit edition, it would have sold for $220 million.    Dispute Over Customer's Vomit Led To Shooting By Albuquerque Uber Driver! "Um, shooting you won't affect my rating, will it?"    What Are This Week's Activities At The Deming Senior Center? 1) Tub-Thumping. 2) Bringing The Ruckus. 3) Grave Dodging. 4) Extreme Lounging. 5) Battle Of The Booties.    A Belen Woman On An Electric Scooter In Albuquerque Has Been Been Charged With A DWI! What was the police's FIRST clue that she was under the influence? Duh... she was riding an electric scooter.    Heroic Border Patrol Agents Have Rescued A Paraplegic Man And A Double Amputee After Smugglers Throw Them Into The River! "Immigration crisis? What immigration crisis?" Democratic presidential contenders insist...