American Chimpanzee

sing to the tune of Neil Sedaka's  Breaking Up Is Hard To Do Can’t doo-doo Ow owie ouch ow ow Grumble grumble ow owie ouch ow ow Grumble grumble ow owie ouch ow ow Getting old is hard to do    It takes so long for me to pee I start at two and I end at three Forget to zip when I'm through 'Cause getting old is hard to do    Transgendered men, it hurts to think How'd it feel chopping off my dink Either way, my sex life's through 'Cause getting old is hard to do    They say that getting old is hard to do Feet hurt bad My hair's thinning, too Limp dick that will only bend If I weren't so old I could be filling my wife's hole again    I beg of you, just let me die When I bend my knees I start to cry My insides all turning to goo ' Cause getting old is hard to do    They say that getting old is hard to do Eyesight's gone My hearing is, too Will this constipation end?...

“He’s ...GUILTY!”     “Guilty of what?”     “Oh, he’s guilty all right.”     “Yes, but guilty of what?”     “Guilty of those things he did.”     “What things?”     “Illegal things.”     “What illegal things did he do?”     “The things he’s guilty of.”     “But WHAT things are he guilty of?”     “Those things he did that we can’t tell you about. Those things that we can’t charge him with. And we have the evidence. Oh, trust us, we have the evidence.”     “What evidence?”     “The evidence we have.”     “The evidence we can’t see?”     “Yes, THAT evidence. Important evidence.”     “So important that you can’t show it to us?”     “Yes. TREASONOUS evidence.”     “So treasonous that you’ll wait until after his second term before you’ll charge him with it?”     “That’s right. And his SON, too.”     “His so...

Smiling, the clown locked the door.    Never said I was a woman.    Grandpa was tough... and tasted awful.    Yes, Virginia, there IS a Pennywise.    For sale. Baby shoes. Don't ask.    Halloween. Look at all those treats.    I have my father's eyes. Tasty.    I'm lost. Who's that behind me?    Sex. Sex. Sex. Married. No sex.    Did I mention? I have AIDS.    This meat tastes funny. Where's grandma?    Is THAT a lump I feel?    The Secret Service read your tweets.    And that man was Jeffrey Dahmer. Why do these dates have legs?    But mommy SAID she'd be back!    "I thought you were dead?" "I am."    "I'm dead? Sweet Jesus!" "Guess again."    Who left the black door open?    Is THAT a gun he's carrying?    Turns out, it WAS a gun.    Turns o...

as featured in Desert Exposure Magazine   My elderly father, who lives with my wife and I, has his own set of keys to our house, so he comes and goes on his walks as he pleases. I used to try to look out for him, but no matter what I suggested, he’d do the opposite.      "Pop," I'd tell him, "It's hot. Why don't you wait until it cools off?"      "It's not hot," my father would say on his way out. On his way back in, he'd say, "Man, was it hot. I should have waited until it cooled off."      "Pop, it’s cold."      "Pop, it's raining."      "Pop, it's getting dark."      I retired from a job I really enjoyed to become a weatherman for my father.      On this particular day, my father gets home feeling good. So good, in fact, that he decides to go on an afternoon walk. The problem is, he can't...