American Chimpanzee

    Fake News Reports! Dear Santa, Tell grandma I've got all the clothes I need for Christmas. Love, Timmy    When God took a rib from Adam, good thing He didn't decide to make a McRib sandwich instead.    Steven Pearl--A McDonald's Employee In Fort Dodge, Iowa--Was Hit With A Sledgehammer And Then Run Over In The Restaurant's Parking Lot! Someone really oughta take away Joe Biden's car keys.    President Trump Signs The #ChumpChangeStimulusBill And Avoids A Government Shutdown! God forbid a politician should miss a paycheck.    House Voted To Raise The COVID-19 Stimulus Payments From $600 To $2000! And, like they did with the Trump Coronavirus Vaccine, they put themselves in the front of the receiving line.    CNN's Jake Tapper Said He Never Invites White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany On His Show Because She's A Liar And... "...CNN already has enough of those."    Mitch McConnell BLOCKS Vote That W...

  Fake News Reports!    Should the future First Lady be addressed as Dr . Jill Biden? Let's let her  decide: If she was shopping at Walmart and the manager came over the intercom asking if there was a doctor in the building,  would she answer?    Paul McCartney Has Released McCartney III , An Album The Once And Future Beatle Recorded During The Lockdown! If that's not a good enough reason to end the lockdown, I don't know what is.    It's A Christmas Miracle! The Trump Coronavirus Vaccine Is Suddenly SAFE! Democrats, who were warning voters not to take it in the months leading up to the presidential election, now elbowing their way to the front of the line.    "Bye-bye, Grammy. AOC needed the vaccine more than you did."    #ChumpChangeStimulusBill Kanye West got $2 to $5 million. Joel Osteen got $4.4 million. Tom Brady got $960,855. Congress got $130k to spend 9 months rejecting a $1.8 trillion sti...

Fake News Reports!    Availability Of The Trump Coronavirus Vaccine Is Just Around The Corner! Presidents Clinton, Bush, & Obama use their influence to bully themselves to the front of the line.    Bloomberg Quicktake Wonders: Should Professional Athletes, Arguably The Healthiest Individuals On The Planet (With The Exception Of STDs), Be Among The First To Receive  The Trump Coronavirus Vaccine? Sure, they're rich.    In A Recent Press Briefing, New York Governor Andrew Cuomo Welcomed Coronavirus Czar, Dr. Fauci! "We're like the modern-day De Niro and Pacino," Cuomo told him. "You're De Niro, and I'm Al Pacino in Cruising.    In A Fake News Exclusive, The Daily Beast  Reports That President Trump Is Considering A Pardon For Silk Road "Kingpin" Ross Ulbricht! "It must be true," Editor-in-Chief Noah Shachtman verified, " because two  people told us."    Fake News Juggernaut The Financial Times Believes  D...

Fake News Reports!    Time Magazine Crowns Joe Biden & Kamala Harris As "Person Of The Year"! And itself as "Ass-Kisser of the Year".    Sorry it's been so long since my last tweet. The kidnappers took away my phone.    I really don't mind my job. It's the work I hate.    Fake News Recommends! ALWAYS Fly First Class! When the plane goes down, you don't want to spend the last few minutes of your life being cheap.    At the prices he charges, my doctor will never get my blood pressure down.    Judging by the size of the bugs, organic is definitely healthier.    I wear the pants in my family. But it's my wife who takes the money out of the pockets.    About the Coronavirus, who knew when I was back in grade school I should have paid more attention on avoiding cooties.    The Presumptive President-Elect Joe Biden 's Three-Part Plan For Defeating The Coronavirus In His First 100 Days In O...

 Fake News Reports! A 90-Year-Old Woman In The UK Became The First Person Outside Of The Trials To Receive The U.S.-Developed COVID-19 Vaccine! Once again, America Steps In To Save The World.  Meanwhile, In The UK, A 90-Year-Old Woman Became The First Person Outside Of The Trials To Receive The U.S.-Developed COVID-19 Vaccine! "I just hope it doesn't affect my pregnancy," she frets. Presumptive President-Elect Joe Biden Recuperating After Hairline Fracturing His Foot! "When the time comes to pull the plug," Kamala Harris assures the American people, "we will." A Mysterious And Fatal Illness Devastates Southern India! "Hmm... how can we spread this around the world?" wonders China. Rudy Giuliani Assures America He's "Doing Fine" After Testing Positive For COVID-19! Sadly, that's the last symptom you get before dying. Jenna Ellis, One Of President Trump's Many Attorneys, Has Tested Positive For COVID-19! I loved her on  Dh...

I called our father on Thanksgiving to see how he was doing and to wish him a happy holiday.      "Hi, pop," I said.       "Hi, son," he answered.      "How was your turkey?"      "The one I live with?" he answered. "He's fine."    ******************************************* I called our father on Thanksgiving to see how he was doing.     “How’s your Thanksgiving been, pop?” I asked him.     “Oh, good, good,” he said.     “What are you thankful for?”     “I’m thankful for you, of course, and I’m thankful for the enchiladas you never forget to bring me, they’re so delicious. I’m also thankful for the coronavirus.”     “THE CORONAVIRUS!” I yelped. “Why are you thankful for the coronavirus?”     “It keeps your brother away.”    American Chimpanzee JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com @JimDuchene

as featured in Desert Exposure Magazine desertexposure.com   One thing I've noticed about the Coronavirus is it's given people a reason to be cheap.      Cheaper than they normally are.      Cheaper than me, even.      Actually, I’m not cheap. I’m frugal. When it comes to paying, I’m the first to put my hand in my pocket… and keep it there.      I’m constantly invited to party parades. Well... not me, actually. People know if they want something good, my wife is the one to invite. These celebrations include baby showers, graduations, even dog adoptions.      I invited my father to come along once.       “What’s that?” he asked.      “You don’t know what a parade is, pop?” I teased.      “Not the kind you’re talking about,” he answered.      I explained to...

  Fake News Reports! Presumptive President-Elect J0e Biden Picks An All-Female Senior Communications Team Because... "C'mom, man! You know chicks are better at that communication stuff." Presumptive President-Elect Joe Biden Adds Three Additional Members To His COVID-19 Advisory Board: Xi Jinping, Zhao Lijian, & Sum Ting Wong. The Vibrant & Alert Presumptive President-Elect Joe Biden Sustains A "Hairline" Fracture While Negotiating The Complex Task Of Lifting His Foot And Placing It Gently Back On The Ground! And THAT, my friends, is how it begins. Presumptive President-Elect Joe Biden Has Broken His Foot! "Damn," laments Kamala Harris, deviously twirling one corner of her thin mustache. "It was supposed to be his NECK!" When Told That Her Running Mate Joe Biden Broke His Foot Playing With His Dog, Kamala Harris Thoughtfully Gets Him Nine Playful Pit Bills For Christmas! COVID-19 UTEP-0 Dolly Parton Releases "A Holly Dolly Christ...

Fake News Reports! 10) So I say to you... Ask, and it  will  be given to you. Search, and you will find. Knock, and the door will be opened for you. Cheat, and you will win the presidency. 9) Do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Having said that, will this election never end? 8) Learn from me, for I am meek and humble of heart. I’m not at all like that fat, pompous ass who refuses to accept the election results. 7)  For God so loved the world that He gave His only Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have eternal life. Then He made a list. A list of all the people who supported Trump. Verily, they shall suffer. 6) For what shall it profit a man, if he gain the whole world, and suffer the loss of his soul? No, my child, if you’re looking for a profit you must look to China. 5) A new command I give you: Love one another as I have loved you, but I’ll understand if you can’t bring yourself to stomach the...

 Fake News Reports!   No matter who wins, I'm counting on the rioting and looting afterward to complete my Christmas list. CNN Promises NOT To Prematurely Declare A Winner In Today's Presidential Election! "Unless it helps Joe Biden," George Constanza look-a-like Jeff Zucker clarifies. If there's one thing I've learned from this election, it's this: If you try, you can find something good to say about anything. Smoking? At least you won't have to suffer the aches and pains of old age. Stephen Colbert Breaks Down In TEARS On Live Television Upon Hearing The Unbiased CNN's Anderson Cooper Calling President Trump An Obese Turtle Flailing On His Back! Relax, Steve. It's just an election. It's Official! The winner of the 2020 presidential is... The old white man with mental issues! Jim Duchene Chief Fake News Correspondent American Chimpanzee JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com @JimDuchene   

  Fake News Reports!    In A Beloved Holiday Tradition, President Trump Pardons Corn The Turkey For Thanksgiving! "We're AGAINST turkey pardons," declares a hostile media. In A Beloved Holiday Tradition, President Trump Pardons Corn The Turkey For Thanksgiving! Pro-Choice advocates immediately bemoan this as "a bad example."    In A Beloved Holiday Tradition, President Trump Pardons Corn The Turkey For Thanksgiving! "That turkey is dead to us," says the progressive left.    In A Beloved Holiday Tradition, President Trump Pardons Corn The Turkey For Thanksgiving! And then slips in a quick one for himself hoping no one's looking.    In A Beloved Holiday Tradition, President Trump Pardons A Turkey For Thanksgiving! I'm talking about Michael Flynn.    Jim Duchene Fake News Chief Correspondent       American Chimpanzee JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com @JimDuchene   

as featured in Desert Exposure Magazine desertexposure.com    My elderly father refuses to admit it, but his daily walks are taking their toll on him.      And me.      Mainly me.      He no longer walks as far, he no longer walks as long, but he's still determined to get out there and worry me to death.       "I don't feel like going," he'll sometimes say, but before I can encourage him not to torture himself, he's grumbling his way out the door. He's so stubborn, he even aggravates himself.      If it's hot, I'll tell him to wait until it's cooler. He'll refuse. Sometimes he'll even put on a light jacket. I'm positive it's just to irritate me. When it's cold, he'll head out the door in shorts and a t-shirt.      "At least put on a sweater," I told him.       "It’s not cold," he argued.  ...