American Chimpanzee

Fake News Reports!    A 2nd Amendment Special Report: Aspiring Mass Shooters In Texas Are Increasingly Concerned Chosen Victims May Be Armed!    Swarms Of Hungry Locust Wrecking Havoc In African And Asian Countries! Um... haven't locust been a problem since the dawn of life on Earth? Yeah, but we got nothing else to report.    LeBron James Finally Speaks Out About The Houston Astros' Signal-Stealing Cheating Scandal! "As long as they don't say anything bad about China, I'm good."    Ben Affleck's Confiding To Anybody Who Will Listen That Divorcing Jennifer Garner Is His Biggest Regret! "But I sure don't regret cheating on her with all those hot, young starlets, though," he says, grinning lasciviously.    A Swarm Of Forty THOUSAND Bees Attacked First Responders In Pasadena, California, Sending Many Of Them To The Hospital! I sure would've hated being the one in charge of counting t...

as featured in Desert Exposure Magazine desert exposure.com      Nobody likes a poopy diaper.    Nobody, that is, except me.    As strange as it sounds, I’ve always considered it a privilege to change my children’s--and now my grandchildren’s--diapers.    Other kids? Not so much.    Being a man, since nature has so effectively kept men out of the equation when it comes to baby-raising duties that bond a parent with their child--such as breastfeeding--I had to take my bonding moments where I could find them.    Now, briefly, this isn’t a dissertation about gender stereotypes or male-female roles, it’s a discussion about poopy diapers, so let’s leave social politics out of it, although, now that I think about it, poopy diapers and politics seem to go hand in hand.    Poopy diapers, besides being unsanitary, are uncomfortable. Once soiled, babies have no other recou...

Fake News Reports!    Polls Show That Bernie Sanders Leads The Other Presidential Wannabes In Donations From Big Tech Employees Who... "...just want our student loans paid off, man."    THOUSANDS Of Women March, Making Their Voices Heard In Anti-Government Protests Taking Place In Iraq! Services will be held Wednesday.    The Church Of England Apologizes For Its Last 70 Years Of Racism! But hasn't the Church of England been around for five HUNDRED years, maybe even dating back to 597 AD? "I'm afraid I don't see your point, old chap," a church spokesman cheerios.    The Philippine Government Is Poised To End A Major Military Agreement With The United States! "Just keep sending us money," they say.    In An Act Of Papal Infallibility, Pope Francis Has Ruled Against The Ordination Of Married Men As Catholic Priests In the Amazon! "They'll just have to be satisfied molesting young boys like the rest of us." ...

Fake News Reports! The Usually Shy And Private Colin Kaepernick Will Soon Be Publishing His Memoir! If I knew hating America would get me a book deal, I would have done it years ago.    Stanford Researchers Say Plastic-Eating Mealworms Are The Answer To Humanity's Waste Problem! Those mealworms will eat  anything . In a related story, 'Mealworm" is my ex's nickname.    The World Health Organization Officially Changes The Names Of The Coronavirus To COVID-19! "So now we can honestly says there have been NO deaths due to the Coronavirus," a Chinese spokesman gleefully announces.    This Just In! The Russian Intercontinental Hypersonic Weapon Has Become OPERATIONAL! Now they'll be able to interfere in our elections 27 times faster than the speed of sound.    Six Word Horror Story: Cupid's arrow had a poison tip.      An Anonymous Bidder Bought Tupac Shakur's Prison I.D. For Thirty ...

Fake News Reports!    Diane Gardea, A Fugitive On El Paso's Most Wanted List, Was Arrested At Her East Side Home! "They'll never look for me here," she chuckled, just before they broke down her door.    A CDC Study's Findings Indicate That A Lot Of People Eat Fast Food! While, in another study costing taxpayers millions of dollars, it was verified that you need to breathe "if you want to stay alive."    Eco-Scientists Have Determined That The Disappearance Of Bumblebees Is Due To The Hotter Temperatures Caused By Global Warming! I've always wondered why I no longer see the cute little critters when I'm spraying my flower garden with pesticides.    Researchers Claim That From The Mummified Remains Of A THREE THOUSAND-Year-Old Egyptian Priest They've Recreated His Voice And... "You'll have to take our word for it since the only people who can prove we're wrong have been dead for three thousand years." ...

Fake News Reports!    This Just In! There MIGHT Be A Friends TV Show Reunion On HBO Max! The whole world yawns in excitement.    Everyone Has A Purpose In Life! Mine is napping.    Winter Is Definitely Here! My dog's fleas are vacationing in Florida.    Presidential Wannabe Joe Biden Called One Of His Female Supporters A "Lyin' Dog-Faced Pony Soldier"! When asked why he would even say such a thing, he answered, "It works for Trump."    The World Health Organization Has Officially Changed The Name Of China's Dreaded Coronavirus To COVID-19 Because... "...if it's harder to say, it's harder to catch."    Today, Americans Pay Tribute To Abraham Lincoln On His Birthday (02-12-1809)! "That's so nice," he says from his great log cabin in the sky, "it makes me wish I was alive to enjoy it."    Today, The World Celebrates The Legacy Of Charles Darwin On His Birthday (0...

Fake News Reports!    James Bond Revealed To Be A Pretentious PUTZ! When two martinis were taste-tested--one shaken, one stirred--it was determined that they BOTH tasted the same!    Experts Warn Hawaii That The Kilauea Volcano's Lava Is Now HOTTER And More FLUID! Hot and liquidy... isn't that what lava is, Mr. Expert?    Scientists Theorize That Time S peed Up For  A Person As They Get Older! Unless they're waiting in line at a government agency.    Sociologists Agree That There Are TWO Kinds Of People In The World! Those who live their lives in a constant state of happiness and those who want to punch those kind of people in the nose.    Attorney Alan Dershowitz Explains That It Is A Lawyer's Solemn Duty To Represent The Dregs Of Humanity.  Killers. Rapists. Thieves. "There's only one kind of criminal we won't defend," he clarifies. "The broke."    An Exam...

Fake News Reports!    Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez Is Among A Handful Of Democrats Who Boycotted President Trump's State Of The Union Address! Apparently, they also didn't show up to vote in his Impeachment Trial, either.    My ex only needs cosmetic surgery in two places: Her face and her body.    Be the tequila, not the lime.    This Just In! The Results Of The Iowa Caucus Have Been FOUND! Turns out, they were under my refrigerator the whole time.    Argentina's Esperanza Base Reports That Antartica Has Reached It's Hottest Temperature EVER! "Oh, my God! It's burning like the SUN!" the World Meteorological Organization says.    In China, Coronavirus Whistleblower, Dr. Li Wenliang, Has Died Of The Disease In A Wuhan Hospital! "Who knew other symptoms of the fatal virus were bruising around the throat, neck fractures, and a lack of oxygen to the lungs?" a Chinese official said.    Es...

Fake News Reports!    Six Word Horror Story: And the groundhog predicted: No Survivors!    Hmm... it's raining outside. Fortunately, it's always dry in my bed.    This Just In! Joe Biden, Bernie Sanders, Elizabeth Warren... the DNC's prospect of winning the next presidential election is so low they're thinking of putting Donald Trump's name on today's Iowa Caucus.    Video Has Emerged Of Beyonce & Jay-Z Disrespecting The National Anthem During Sunday's Super Bowl! Give them a break, America. Don't you know how hard it is to claim the United States is a racist & unfair country when you're mega-rich & super-successful?    Fear Of Contracting The Deadly China Coronavirus Has Fueled Racism Against Asians! That's true. Even I  would think twice before asking for a Happy Ending at Robert Kraft's favorite massage parlor.    Six Word Horror Story: The babysitter's red lips dripped ...

as featured in Desert Exposure Magazine desertexposure.com Kids are funny.      My granddaughter, now five, will ask me “Guess what?” with a mischievous grin.      Okay, I’ll bite.      “What?”      “ Chickenbutt! ” she’ll say.      And she’ll laugh and laugh and laugh.      It’s become a running joke between the two of us.      As you can tell, my granddaughter has a good sense of humor, but she’s also very sweet. Earlier today, she went to the pantry and got two Fruit Roll-Ups. I thought they were both for her, so I told her to put one back.      “But this one’s for grandpa,” she told me, meaning my father. “I’m going to show him how to eat it.”      Her big heart also extends to her great-grandfather’s dog. Whenever the mangy creature is by...

Fake News Reports!    Prince Andrew Has Ignored All Requests From America's FBI For An Interview Concerning His Involvement With Jeffrey Epstein's Alleged Child Sex Trafficking Ring! "Wouldn't you?" the happy-he's-a-British-citizen said.    I'm not saying my ex is a floozy, but the airlines let her fly for free because she's been classified as a Service Animal.    When I go to the doctor, I don't sit in a Waiting Room... I sit in an I'm-Still-Waiting Room.    Whatever I do in life I always give 110%. Why do I say that? Because I'm bad at math.   Technology is slowly filling with artificial intelligence. If there's any left over, they should give it to Congress.   If you're on a diet, keep this in mind: Chewing gum alleviates hunger. Chewing bacon alleviates it even more.   Scientists tell us that 85% of the universe is made up of Dark Matter, but they don't know what it is. I do. If it's t...