American Chimpanzee

as featured in Desert Exposure Magazine desertexposure.com    My uncle recently died.      Not only that, but it was the holidays, so when my buddy Maloney called, I thought it was to offer his condolences...      "I’ve got bad news," he told me.      ...but I guess he had other things on his mind.      "My mother-in-law," he said, sounding morose, "she might lose her eye."      "I’m sorry to hear that," I told him. "That IS bad news."      "Oh, that’s not the bad news," he went on. "The bad news is she’s moved back in with us."      Maloney and his mother-in-law have always had a contentious relationship, you could say. She had lived with them for a short while, and, when she moved out, Maloney promised himself never again, never again.      " As God is my witness..." he swore, but I think he was just copying Scarlett O'Hara in  Gone With The Win...

Fake News Reports!    This Just In! The Washington Redskins Have Changed Their Name... To FRED!    Bari Weiss RESIGNS From The New York Times! I immediately subscribed to the New York Times just so I could have the satisfaction of immediately CANCELLING my subscription.    The United States-Canada Border Closure Has Been Extended For At Least Another Month! "But only to Justin Trudeau," President Trump clarifies, chuckling gleefully to himself.    Addressing A Girl Up  Leadership Summit, Former Duchess Of Sussex Meghan Markle Urged The Young Women There To "Use Your Voice"! "RIGHT, HARRY?" "...yes, dear..."    Edward Kobina Enninful Alleges Being Racially Profiled By A Security Guard At His Workplace Who Told Him To "Use The Loading Bay." "He only saw the color of my skin," the British Vogue editor said. "Ignoring completely my fashionable UPS-inspired shirt and pant combo."    Pri...

Fake News Reports!    The Bubonic Plague Has Been Discovered In Northern China's Inner Mongolia! Fake News Demands To Know: "Man, what is up with China?"    Former Prince Harry And His Wife Meghan Demand That Britain Must Acknowledge The Wrongs Of The Commonwealth's Colonial Past! Actually, it was Meghan who did the demanding. Harry just stood there nodding "Yes, dear."    President Trump Informs Congress Of His Intention To Withdraw The United States From The World Health Organization! "WHO?" Congress says, asking for a clarification. " I am," Trump says.    With Nothing Else Going On In The World, The Los Angeles Time Reports On How The Coronavirus Pandemic Has Changed James Corden! "It hasn't, really," the talk show host chuckles, gleefully. "I'm still a pompous ass."    Caving In To Woke Criticism, Halle Berry Tearfully Kisses Away Millions Of Dollars By Withdrawing From ...

Fake News Reports!    Nations Experts Admit: "We don't know shit."    Furniture Restorer In Spain BOTCHES His Restoration Of A Baroque-Era Painting Of The Virgin Mary! So... Windex doesn't clean everything?    Presidential Wannabe Joe Biden Gives His  First Press Conference In MONTHS! "Which one of you stole my Jello?" he says, taking a hard stand on the issues.    Georgetown, Delaware Has Removed A Historical Whipping Post From Public Display Because... "...it never happened."    Fake News Advises: Marry someone who can stand you.    EMMY Voting In Hollywood Has Begun And Host Jimmy Kimmel Indicates A Trend Is Quickly Becoming Clear: IT'S TRUMP IN A LANDSLIDE! The Bloomberg Opinion Has Opined That The Five New Virus Outbreaks In Europe All Tell The Same Story: WE CAME FROM CHINA!    Caving In To Pressure From Sponsors, The NFL's Washington Redskins Are Finally Considering ...

Fake News Reports!    The Tom Petty Estate Issues A Cease & Desist Order Over The Trump Campaign's Use Of The Song "I Won't Back Down"! "We would hate for fans... to think we were complicit in this usage," his family explains. "Who's Tom Petty?" the George Floyd protestors ask. Attorney General William Barr Fails To Oust Geoffrey Berman Who Is Investigating President Trump's Allies! Why are you investigating President Trump's allies? "Because they're Trump's allies," he says very reasonably. This Just In! Prosecutor Geoffrey Berman QUITS! Hey, Berman. Why did you just make a liar out of me? "It's what I do." Why Did CHAZ (Capital Hill Autonomous Zone) Change Its Name To CHOP (Capital Hill Organized Protest)? "Because no one knew what 'autonomous' meant."    Concerned With Accusations Of Racism, Aunt Jemima Is Being Preemptively Cancel Cultured--As Is Uncle Ben, ...