American Chimpanzee

  Fake News Reports!   In Last Saturday's Unofficial Prelude To The Republican National Convention, The White House Unveiled Its Newly Renovated Rose Garden! "We needed additional space to bury Putin's enemies," a spokesman for the president explained. "I Humbly Accept The Great Honor You Bestow Upon Me Of Being Your Party's Presidential Nominee," A Grateful Donald Trump Says! "The convention doesn't begin until Monday," an RNC official informs him. "Junior, execute that man," the president orders. The Trump Campaign Has Released Its List Of Republican National Convention Speakers! I'm not on it. Or even allowed in the building. Um... can anyone tell me what a "restraining order" is? This Just In! Kim Jong-Un Fakes Being In A Coma Just To Get Out Of Speaking At The Republican National Convention! Monday's RNC Speaking Schedule: Pledge of Allegiance-President Trump Prayer-President Trump Welc...

  Fake News Reports!   The Democratic National Convention Formally Selects Joe Biden As Their Presidential Nominee! "I'll have the blue Jello," the former Vice-President accepts, humbly. Holding Their Convention Virtually This Year Due To Coronavirus Concerns, Democrats Select Joe Biden As Their Presidential Nominee! "I'm not wearing any pants," a robust Joe Biden Solemnly promises the American people over a live video stream. After Almost Four Years, The Bipartisan Senate Intelligence Committee Finally Releases Its Final Report In Its Trump/Russia Investigation Of The 2016 Presidential Campaign. "We ain't got shit," they conclude. Fake News Presents This Important Guide To Mail-In Voting: 1) Check box marked "Democrat" and mail it in. 2) If you are unable to complete Step 1, drop your ballot off at the nearest Democratic office where one of our helpful staffers will gladly do it for you. At yesterday's Democratic...

  Fake News Reports!    Getting drunk is like loving the wrong man... You end up crying, wondering where you went wrong.    I believe in reincarnation. I've believed that ever since I was a little puppy.    According To CNN, Over 500 Mail Sorting Machines Are Being Taken Out Of Service By The Post Office! "In the upcoming presidential election," a USPS spokesman explained, "we want something we can blame for screwing up the mail-in voting."    Miley Cyrus! Naked! AGAIN!    Taylor Swift Speaks Out Against President Trump's "Calculated Dismantling Of The USPS"! "...and you know I know what I'm talking about because I sing songs."    Fake News Special Report: How do you live to be a hundred? You don't!    Republican John Kasich Endorses Joe Biden At Last Night's Democratic National Convention! "And it's not because Trump kicked my ass when I ran for president ...

Fake News Reports!    Nancy Pelosi, Chuck Schumer, And Adam Schiff Promise To Possibly Reveal The Secret Evidence They Have Concerning The Role President Trump May Have Played In The Recent Massive Explosion In Beirut!    In A Fast Company Interview, Ryan Reynolds Admits That He And Blake Lively Deeply Regret Having Had A "Plantation" Wedding! Don't worry about it, Ryan. You're not that important.    I'm not saying my mother-in-law is wrinkled, but her face looks like MapQuest.    These days, isn't it odd that some people put their dogs in a baby-stroller and their babies on a leash?    According To Hollywood's Premier Entertainment Newspaper Variety,  THESE Are Robert Pattinson's 10 Best Movie Performances: 10) 9) 8) 7) 6) 5) 4) 3) 2) 1)    Future News Reports: In the future, dead people being stored in cryogenic chambers will be reanimated to serve in our zombie armies.       The D...

Fake News Reports!    Six Word Horror Story: No pizza and beer in Hell.    "Hydroxychloroquine Is Not An Effective Treatment For COVID-19," Declares The FDA! "Hydroxychloroquine saved my life," says Michigan Congresswoman Karen Whitsett, a Democrat from Detroit. "Don't confuse us with facts," the FDA replies.    My new job lets me pick up a lot of women. I'm an Uber driver.    A Fake News Special Report: How we've gone from Rosie the Riveter to Rosie the Rioter!    I'm so full I can't eat another bite. That's a sentence I've never said before.    Katy Perry Defends Her Friend Ellen DeGeneres From Accusations Of Being Toxic And Mean To Her Underlings! "I have only... had positive takeaways... with Ellen," the music superstar affirms. Did you, as a rich celebrity, ever work for her? "No." Exactly.    Can You Believe It? It's less than three months until the presidential ...

as featured in Desert Exposure Magazine desertexposure.com    A few baseball seasons back, I was in my den reading the newspaper, shaking my head at Dear Abby, and enjoying a hot cup of gourmet coffee.    I was listening to my TV’s Blues channel. They were playing Mean Old World, one of my favorite songs. Maybe I like the song so much because I like the title so much. This old world can be pretty mean. You only have to keep up with current events to realize that. This version was by Little Walter and His Night Cats. I prefer T-Bone Walker’s. Maybe I just prefer the name T-Bone.      In a way, the Blues have ruined my appreciation for Rock & Roll. When I first heard certain artists, I thought they were geniuses. Forty years later, when I widened my taste in music to include the likes of Buddy Guy or Z.Z. Hill (Z.Z. Hill. ZZ Top. See the connection?), I realized everything I loved about Rock & Roll was stolen from Blues...

Fake News Reports!    The economy is so bad with this COVID-19 pandemic that I went to Five Guys for a burger, and now they're down to Two Guys.    People are so afraid of the Coronavirus that In-N-Out Burger has changed their name to Get Out.    Bloomberg Opinion Opines That The United States Isn't Ready For "Wars Of The Future"! Um, would that be because we're not living in the future yet?    In A Move Away From China, Apple Begins Making Their iPhone 11 In Southern India! "We like to spread our slave labor around," a spokesman explained magnanimously.    The Former Prince Harry And His Wife Meghan Are Suing Over Photos Allegedly Taken Of Their Son! "We could use the money," a sheepish Harry explains.    Less Than A Hundred Days Until The Election And Presidential Wannabe Joe Biden Continues To Mull Over His Prospects For Vice-President! "I am so screwed."    Dr. Anthony Fauci Has Gotten A ...