American Chimpanzee

   F ake News Reports! Stressed And Exhausted From Severe Staff Shortages As Coronavirus Numbers Surge, New Mexico Nurses Are Calling It Quits! “OnlyFans is banning pornography?” a spokesperson said on Sunday. “We’ll be back to work on Monday.” ********** General Michael Hayden, In A Juvenile-Seeming Mean-Girl Retweet, Called Trump Supporters “America’s” Taliban! When asked for a comment, the former CIA Director responded, “Nanny, nanny, boo-boo!” ********** Following His Resignation, Governor Cuomo Is Desperate To Dump His Dog On Someone So He Can Go On Vacation! “Next stop: Epstein Island!” the disgraced New York politician said. “Choo-Choo!” ********** On Her Asian Trip, Kamala Harris Admits China Continues To “Coerce” And “Intimidate” While Threatening “The Sovereignty Of Nations”! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! She AGREES with Trump! CANCEL HER! ********** Sometimes success means you just didn’t get caught cheating. ********** When we got married my wife assured me there would be no need ...

   F ake News Reports! THIS JUST IN!    As Afghanistan Falls To The Taliban, The Nobel Committee Nominates Joe Biden To Receive Their Prestigious Peace Prize… “…for not being Trump.” ********** In A Determined Response To The Taliban’s Violent Takeover Of Afghanistan, The UN Security Council Immediately Convened An Emergency Meeting  This Monday Morning  And Demanded To Know… “Where’s the champagne and caviar we were promised?” ********** With The Taliban’s Takeover Of Afghanistan, President Ashraf Ghani Relinquishes His Office And Promises A Peaceful Transition Of Power! “I’ll just take the millions of American dollars I stole and go,” he stated, stuffing the silverware into his pockets. ********** With Joe Biden’s Foreign Policy Crumbling In His Hands Due To His Handing Over Afghanistan To The Taliban, The Fake News Media Demands To Know… “…what flavor of ice cream will you be eating today?” ********** US Secretary Of State Antony Blinken Defends Joe Biden’s ...

  F ake News Reports! Obama’s Birthday Party A Huge Success With Only Sophisticated Liberals Invited To Celebrate Inside A Tent Put Up Just Outside Of His Mansion! “You don’t think we want THOSE kinds of people inside of OUR house, do you?” an irritated Michelle explained. ********** Subway Hires Controversial Soccer Player Megan Rapinoe As Their Celebrity Spokesperson Because… “We were looking for a way to lose half our customers.” ********** Subway Hires Controversial Soccer Player Megan Rapinoe As Their Celebrity Spokesperson Because… “We just didn’t learn our lesson with Jared.” ********** The NEA, The Nation’s Largest Teachers Union, Sues Nichole Solas For Wanting To Know What Her School District Is Teaching Her Child About Critical Race Theory! “Hey, what’s THAT?” the ACLU says, pointing out the window just before sneaking out the back. ********** THIS JUST IN! The Containment Of Hot Air In Mass Mask-Wearing Has Been Determined To Have Caused A DECREASE In Global Warming! ***...

  F ake News Reports! My wife told me we needed to get on a diet. “By ‘we,’ you mean ‘me,’” I observed. “I knew you’d understand,” she said. ********** Rachel Gudgel—A Top Legislative Aide In New Mexico—Issues A Sincere Apology To Native Americans! “…for something I didn’t do in a time when I wasn’t born.” ********** Chinese Leader Xi Jinping Defends China’s Uighur Holocaust! “It’s not our fault they’re so delicious,” he explains. ********** One thing you can say about me is I’m always on a roll.  But why does it always have to be downhill? ********** My car broke down about 20 miles from my house. I wanted to get it home, but my wife got tired of pushing. ********** I’m not saying my gambling’s gotten out of control, but I lost ten grand this morning just for waking up. ********** I’m not saying my gambling’s out of control, but I have three children.    I lost the forth when Simone Biles dropped out of the Olympics. ********** I hitchhiked once when I was a kid bec...

as featured in Desert Exposure Magazine  My five-year-old granddaughter came up with a math theorem, and it’s elegant in its simplicity: 10 = 10 .      I was playfully showing her math equations on my phone’s calculator, mainly showing her ridiculously long numbers and adding them together, when she took the calculator from my hand and taught me an important lesson: Everything equals itself.      It’s an obvious concept, but not one that I’ve ever seen or heard expressed before. It was an original idea, and I’m a sucker for original ideas.      The brilliance of the smile on her face showed just how proud she was of her equation.     On the other hand, my elderly father has lost all concept of numbers, particularly the value of money.      When I take him to the doctor, the receptionist will say, “Your co-pay is...”      “Pay it,” he’ll te...